So Sad About Us
by Willow Edmond
Summary: While out on a night on the town, Mox sees someone from his past he never thought he'd see.
1. Chapter 1

We don't meet anyone by chance.

-Avijeet Das

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**Chapter One**

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"Hey, Mox!"

Mox turned from his locker to see Sami Callihan sitting on the bench in front of the lockers, straddling it as if he were riding a horse, facing Mox. "Wanna do something tonight?"

Sami was one of the wrestlers who had been invited to join FCW, the developmental training ground for the WWE, at the same time Mox and Seth were. But Mox had known him beforehand as one of the teen wrestlers at his father's camp, SPWA. They had become better friends when they met again in WWE developmental, likely because they were both on the same level now, working their way through FCW.

Mox thought about it. It was Saturday, which meant he had tomorrow off. Quite often, he didn't bother going out, because it was nice to have a night were he could just sleep, but he'd been with FCW for almost a year, and he'd gotten used to the brutal schedule of training, working out, and performing, so going out on a Saturday night didn't seem _that _out of the question. "Do you want to hit a club or something?" he asked.

"Sort of," Sami said "I mean, there is a bar there, we can get drinks, but they don't have a band or anything, the entertainment is a little different."

For a moment, Mox thought Sami was suggesting a strip bar, the last place in the world Mox would go to, but then he remembered he and Sami already hashed that one out, and even though he didn't explain, Sami got it."Can Seth come?" he asked. Seth was like a brother to him, and the two of them shared a house together.

"I don't mind," Sami said, shrugging. "As long as he can be cool about it."

Seth turned from his locker. "Not to be a buzzkill, but I'd rather grab something to eat at that new Cuban restaurant down the road, and get to bed early. But, if you want to go, Mox, that's fine. Just don't be too noisy when you come home."

"I'll try," Mox said, turning to Sami. "I don't have a car, so you want to swing by our place and get me?" Mox probably could have walked to the apartment building Sami lived at, it was only a couple miles from the small house, but since this was Sami's game, let Sami drive. The kid did have a car after all.

Sami nodded. "I'll pick you up around eight thirty, nine o'clock. Where we're going, the place doesn't really start getting going until ten, but I want to get a good place to watch."

Mox looked at his friend, "Can you give me a hint of what we're going to be watching?"

Sami shook his head. "It's a surprise. But I can tell you, it will blow your mind."

Since Sami was often enthusiastic about everything, Mox wasn't sure his mind would be blown, but he had the feeling it would at least be interesting.

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"This is it," Sami said, pulling into a parking lot that was more dirt than paved, large chunks of asphalt having been long ago ripped out, probably from large, heavy, trucks driving on it.

Mox looked at the building. It was once a factory building, he could tell that much, but what they had made he couldn't figure out. But it was huge, all brick, with enormous smokestacks reaching way up to the sky. There were a few of these once factories around the area. Some had been converted into very expensive condos, others had been re-purposed as office buildings or storage facilities. Some, like this one appeared to be, had been left to age disgracefully in the last fifty years or so. "Okay, is this place haunted?" Mox joked. "Are we going to like put on some gear and get to play ghost hunters for a night?"

Sami shook his head. "Nope, something much better than this. Let's go."

They entered through a side door where Sami nodded to an enormous man who was standing right inside. He obviously knew the guy and the guy knew him, because he merely nodded. "I gather you're a regular here?"

Sami nodded. "They know me, which is a good thing. You don't get in here unless you know someone." As the spoke, he lead Mox down a hallway to a set of stairs. "We're going to the third floor," Sami said. "Race you?"

The stairs were wide enough so five people could have easily walked across, so Mox wasn't worried about running into someone, besides, they seemed to be the only ones here. And running up stairs was great cardio, so he nodded. As if someone rang a bell, they both raced up the stairs.

Neither of them were hardly winded when they got to the third floor and they both got there so closely that they declared it a tie. There was a set of double doors and another huge man standing there. He looked at Sami and nodded and opened the door.

As the doors opened, Mox's nostrils were assaulted with the smell of sweat, _lots_ of sweat, that really strong kind of sweat that came from people either in intense competition or in fight or flight mode. Mingled with the sweat was the smell of stale beer and blood. The stale beer didn't bother Mox, but the blood and the sweat reminded him of the basements he'd grown up in. There was even a dank, musty smell underneath everything else. _Blood? Sweat?_ He looked at Sami. "What _is_ this place?"

"You'll see,"Sami said.

They walked inside where it was dim, dimmer than any nightclub Mox had been in. In fact, the main source of light seemed to be coming from the middle of the room, where there was no floor, but a big, open space. There was a balcony around this space, with guard rails. Off to one side was a bar, which looked as if it were hastily made and stocked. a few people were in there, but not many. "Doesn't look crowded," Mox remarked. He was glad for that, because the smell of blood and sweat and that musty smell were putting him on edge. Had there been a crowd, he might have run.

"Not up here," Sami said. "But the bar is quiet up here, at least now. I figured we'd get a couple drinks and go down a floor where we can really see the action." He lead Mox over to the bar. Mox looked around, bewildered. Sami bought two screwdrivers and handed one to Mox. "This is a secret I've found, the top floor fills up last, so it's usually easier than hitting the bar on the first and second floor. Some folks like the first floor, but I like the second. It's not super high up so you feel separated by the action, but not so low that you risk getting hit by blood and sometimes even teeth."

_Blood?_ Mox thought,** _teeth?_** But he said nothing, allowing Sami to lead him to a staircase that lead down two flights. They went to the second floor, and Sami was right, it seemed much more crowded than the first floor. Now Mox could hear noises, soft thuds, mixed in with cheering and booing. Sami walked around the walkway until he found a spot he liked. "Here it is, isn't it cool?"

Mox looked down. It looked like a cage down there, one with no top, but wire on the sides, and brilliantly lit. The floor was wood, no doubt from the days of this place being a factory. That wasn't surprising, what was surprising was what he was seeing in the cage. There was a group of guys, probably about Mox's and Sami's age, all fighting. Not wrestling, not boxing, not even mixed martial arts, although some of the moves being done were martial arts moves. But this was a regular street brawl, just missing the street. A lot of the young men were battered and there seemed to be an awful lot of blood. Spattering the floor, running out of various places in human bodies, a whole lot of blood.

Mox didn't know if he should be impressed or horrified. "What is going on here?" he asked.

"Those guys are all fighting for a chance to take on the champion," Sami explained. "They'll fight until only one is left standing."

"Do the others have to be _dead_?" Mox asked.

Sami shook his head. "No. If you've had enough, you can go to an exit," He pointed to a guy who was dragging himself over to the exit, as blood dripped out of his nose and one ear. "You can leave, but you forfeit. You can try again in the free-for-all next week though. They'll do these free for all fights for awhile, get like ten guys who win that, and make them compete. The winner of that one will have a chance to fight the champion. That's what you want, because even if you lose, they're likely to let you fight other folks. Especially if the crowd likes you. Also, if you're on the ground and don't move for a bit, you're considered done and a couple guys come in and drag you out."

Mox watched the fighters. A couple were wearing shirts, but most of them were bare chested. Some were wearing pants, some shorts, This was brutal fighting, and he couldn't see much protective gear. "This is some sick shit," He said.

"Oh yeah," Sami said, grinning. "These people are out for blood." He went on to explain more about how the fights worked, but Mox was too busy watching in a mixture of fascination and horror as the men below kept fighting until only one was left. Someone came into the cage then, to lift the victor's hand. The final person he'd fought lay on the floor, panting, eyes swollen shut from the blows he'd sustained. The actual winner didn't look that much better, but the gentleman who came into the ring raised his hand in the air. "The winner of tonight's elimination fight, Jared Leto!"

Mox supposed Jared was glad to have won, but all the blood running down his body and into his eyes probably tampered his enthusiasm.

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As the night continued, Mox wasn't sure if he was becoming desensitized to it, but he was able to tolerate it without puking. He liked to wrestle, but real fighting wasn't something he was fond of, especially fighting like this, where the goal seemed more towards bloodshed, mutilation, and possibly death. Luckily though, nobody seemed to be dying that night. Mox wasn't sure if that was unusual or not.

Apparently, this was some type of real life "fight club" and highly illegal. Sami had somehow gotten on the "allowed" list. He showed Mox how to place bets, even though Mox would be dipped if he was going to bet on this. Sami placed a couple of bets, and even won one. "If you like it, I can bring you for a few weeks, and they'll realize you're cool, too." Sami said, as he counted his take and stuffed it in his pocket.

"How did you hear about it?" Mox asked.

Sami shrugged. "A couple of the wrestlers at FCW came here and fought when they were told they didn't make the grade. I found out about it through them. If you're good, you can make some decent cash. You get a percentage of what folks bet on you to win, that is _if_ you win."

"What happens if you don't win?" Mox asked.

"You get a hell of a hospital bill, I guess," Sami said with a shrug. "Maybe they give you something for your trouble, but not in the free-for-all fights."

"You've never done this, have you?" Mox asked, making a sweeping gesture to the pit where another fight was happening.

Sami shook his head. "Nah, I like wrestling, but real fighting? Like is going on there? That's not my thing at all."

"You seem to enjoy watching it."

Another shrug. "Yeah, I do like watching it. C'mon Mox, nobody is forced to do this, they're all willing. And let's face it, there's something kinda neat about the reality aspect of it. Wrestling is awesome and it will always have my devotion, but I can see where people would like this."

"I guess," Mox said.

They got a couple more screwdrivers, served in red solo cups, Sami insisted he pay for it, since he'd won and they returned to the guard rail to watch the fights. Mox still wasn't sure how he felt about them. It was violent and brutal and that didn't appeal to him, he'd seen too much brutality in his life to feel comfortable with it. On the other hand, when he worked the indies for those few years, he'd done some wrestling for Combat Zone wrestling, where they fought with barbed wire covered brooms and bats, or slammed those large, fluorescent tubes into each other, the tubes that shattered on contact, spraying glass everywhere. If his back wasn't already scarred from his childhood, it probably would be now. He remembered times when he and his opponent would take turns picking the glass out of each other. Was this really so much worse than that?

Then, they called a woman's match. They'd had woman's brawl earlier, that had probably been more brutal than the one for the men's had been. Now it was the match between the champion and the woman who'd made her way up through previous brawls to win a shot at the championship.

The champion was a large woman, introduced as Morowa. She wasn't fat, but she was tall and muscular, like some amazon warrior. She even wore what looked like leather armor. _ If I was going to bet, she'd be the one I'd bet on,_ Mox found himself thinking, as he sipped his drink. He hoped her opponent would be strong enough to give her a fair fight, otherwise, he feared he might end up watching the worst slaughter of the night.

"And the woman who fought her way up the ranks to challenge her," the Announcer said, "It's Toril!"

A woman entered through the entrance opposite of the one Morowa had used. She was a lot smaller, but she too had some muscles. As she came into the center, she looked up and looked around at the audience, giving Mox a good look at her face. When he saw it, he ended up spitting out the sip of his drink he'd just taken. _Holy fuck_, was the only thing his brain would say to him, over and over again, _Holy fuck, holy fuck, holy fuck._

"Are you okay?" Sami asked.

Mox looked at him for a moment just looking, but not really seeing. Then, he caught hold of himself and nodded. "Yeah," he said, amazed at how normal his voice sounded. "I'm fine, I-I just thought I saw a ghost."

Sami laughed. "I doubt there are any ghosts in this place," he said. "I don't think anyone has died doing this, at least not on the floor itself."

Mox barely heard Sami, he was watching the fight, or to be more exact, watching Toril. She might not have been as big as the Amazon Goddess she was fighting, but she wasn't giving up. When it became pretty clear she was not going to win, she continued to try to give it her all, until she fell to the floor and stopped moving.

"Morowa is still champion!" the announcer proclaimed, raising her arm in victory. Morowa smiled, blood dripping from her nose and mouth. Two men came out to help Toril out of the fighting area. Like all sports, there was no honor in losing.

"Where's the men's room?" Mox asked.

"The first floor," Sami said. "Along the same wall as the bar, you can't miss it." He looked down at Morowa, who was still grandstanding. "That is one mean chick."

"Yeah," Mox said, and headed for the stairs.

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It took Mox a good ten minutes to find someone to help him and they were remarkably reluctant. "Look, she doesn't want to talk to you," he kept telling Mox. "She's in medical right now, and I'm sure she doesn't want to have some idiot trying to hit on her."

"I don't want to hit on her," Mox said. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet, opened it, and removed a hundred dollar bill, which left him with a twenty and a ten. _I hope Sami doesn't expect me to buy any rounds,_ he thought. He wasn't too concerned, since his win, Sami had been paying for all the drinks, waving away Mox's offer to pay. Mox held out the money to the huge guy who was guarding the section where the talent stayed between fights. "You can have this, I just want you to give her a message."

"Just a message?" The guy looked skeptical, but he also looked at the bill hungrily.

"Yeah," Mox said, still holding out the money, wishing the guy would take it. "Just a message."

"Toril doesn't usually fraternize with the customers." Giant Man said.

"She might with me," Mox said, pushing the bills toward the man. Almost reluctantly, he accepted the bill, but as soon as they were in his hands, they vanished into a pants pocket and Mox knew he'd never see those particular bill ever again.

"What's the message?"

Mox had managed to borrow a pen from the bartender when he went looking for someone who could give a message to Toril. He'd had an old business card in his pocket and had written his phone number on the back. No name, just a phone number. "Give her this."

The brute frowned at the card. "She's not going to just dial some random number. Who should I say gave it to me to give to her?"

Mox had to crane his neck to look at the guy, something he rarely had to do with anyone. "You tell her you got that number from Little Timmy."

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**Author's Notes: ** Kinda breaking my own rule here. Posting the first chapter before the whole story is roughed out. But, hoping this will motivate me to keep trying to write by dictation until my arm is healed. Broke thumb and a finger and 2 small bones in hand. Doctor at first thought it would take 3-6 weeks, now he's saying six weeks before cast can come off, at least. Then, PT.

I hate 1 handed typing.


	2. Chapter 2

Fact: Of the more than 23,500 runaways reported to NCMEC in 2018, one in seven were likely victims of child sex trafficking. That's over 3300 children.

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**Chapter Two**

{o}-{o}-{o}

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_Suzie was the best in the business, Daddy Ken told her all the time and so did Uncle Sean, saying things like, "You were made to do this!" Calling her what they considered to be affectionate nicknames like "Baby girl," or "Little precious." If they were really eager for her, they would call her their little baby slut or baby whore. She knew those last two nicknames weren't good ones, but Suzie never complained, Suzie never cried unless she was supposed to cry, and most importantly, Suzie never said no. _

_She had fought when she was found, but after a few days with her first costar, Little Timmy, she learned. She didn't want to get beaten, she didn't want to be hung up and whipped like Timmy told her he had been. She didn't want to be screamed at either. Uncle Sean and Daddy Ken had done so much screaming at her when they grabbed her off the street. She couldn't think when she was being screamed at and she knew the only way to not be screamed at was to be a good little girl. She didn't want what happened to her that one night to happen to her again either, when Daddy Ken, Uncle Sean and Timmy's Daddy and his Uncle Sam brought her into a bedroom and all of them took turns with her. The tears had been real that day, and the pain and the bleeding. She knew the only way for that to never happen too, was to be a good little girl. If following orders was good, then Little Suzie might be the best little girl in the world. _

_She never messed up on her name, either. Never once responded to her real name the couple times they had used it to test her. One time she took a chance, rolling her eyes and going, "That isn't my name anymore. That was another little girl. A little girl who didn't know what it meant to really feel good." They never tested her again. She was Little Suzie. _

_She had said her name to herself, over and over again, but she was afraid she'd talk in her sleep and say it, so instead, she would nick pens or pencils when she could. Hide them, and any time she came across a piece of paper, she would write her old name on it, and then crumple it in a little ball and swallow it. She wasn't Timmy, she was Suzie but she would never forget her other name. She'd keep it all inside of her. Her name written hundreds, maybe even thousands of times. _

_Unless she was told otherwise, Suzie could act like she really loved what was happening when the cameras were on her. She could do it when Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean brought company over too. Suzie played well with others. Suzie often flirted with Daddy Ken, and sometimes even Uncle Sean, so they would think she was the best little girl in the world. She would bat her lashes and sit on their laps, legs spread wide over their knees, rubbing herself against them. "Do you want me?" She'd coo into their ear. _

_"Yes," They would say, their voice getting lower. huskier, and Suzie could tell they were ready for her, which would make her wiggle harder on whichever man it was, lap. _

_"I want you too, Daddy," her voice was still that little girl cooing voice Daddy Ken loved so much, the voice that told him what a good little girl she was, the voice that made him think she loved being his little baby whore. Or, if it were for Uncle Sean, she'd use his name. "You treat me so good, Daddy. And all I want to do is treat you good, too. Can I treat you good, Daddy? Can I treat you good, Uncle Sean?" More batting of her lashes, as if she were asking for a very special treat. _

_Of course she could treat them good. Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean never minded when Suzie took charge, in fact, they loved it. She could do the same thing in her movies, too. She could climb in a stranger's lap, rub against him and whisper into their ear, just loud enough so the microphones would pick it up, that she had forgotten to put panties on under her pretty little dress. _

_She was good at the most common plot to her movies, yelling, "No, please, don't hurt me!" while tears fell down her cheeks, real tears, then, at a certain point, start moaning and talking about how good it felt and then start saying, "Please, don't stop!" Or she could do the reverse and start out a willing partner, then beg and cry for whoever was doing it to her to stop. "Please," she'd cry, her tears rolling down her face, brow furrowed in pain, a look of agony behind the tears . "It's so big! It's too big! You're going to split me in two!" _

_She played her role, both on and off camera so well that nobody had the slightest clue she hated it. That she only got through all of it by picturing her body becoming that of a monster, her fingers becoming ten small knives, her teeth becoming razor blades, her tongue something that could inject people with venom. And she would picture in her head that every thrust every stroke, every move they made, she was hurting them, poisoning them, and they were so caught up in the pleasure of it that they didn't even realize until it was too late that they were being killed. She liked to pretend that when they finished off, that was the last of them. Not a finishing orgasm, but an emptying of the last of their essence, the shuttering and moaning were the throes of death._

_It was this imaginary game she played that got her through, made it so she could do everything she did. The batting of her lashes, the wiggling, the suggestive dialog, it wasn't that she was seducing these men, she was softening them up for the kill. _

_It could even help her justify why sometimes it felt good. When just the right things were done and she was in the right frame of mind, she'd find herself falling into it, waves of pleasure rolling over her. It made her feel so guilty until the killing game came to her._

_Now she knew, she wasn't having an orgasm over the sex, she was having one over the thought of whoever was was violating her, dying. _

_She never let anyone know what her real thoughts were. She learned to code what she said out loud to something she was thinking. When she cried out "Daddy" It meant, "Asshole." When she said she wanted to be good to someone, what she meant was, 'Let me kill you. You need to die.' So on and so forth. That might have sounded difficult, but Suzie was surprised at how easy it was. You just reversed things in your head. Yes means no and no means yes, and Suzie lived like her entire life now was nothing but one, long, opposite day. Affectionate gestures weren't affectionate, they were hunting tools. _

_The only time she didn't have these death fantasies was when she made movies with other kids, which wasn't often, thankfully. She knew they were all victims too, and she didn't want to kill them. Their Daddies, and even on occasion, their Mommies were a different story. She'd love to take them all out, as slowly and painfully as possible. Bat her lashes, swish her behind, rub up against them, until they were so overcome they took her, and then she'd kill them, her whole body one huge weapon._

_This ability to act as if she really was some sex starved child who enjoyed what was happening to her had other uses too. She didn't have to live in a basement all the time, Daddy Ken let her sleep upstairs in a real bedroom at most of the places they stayed in. The last three places they moved to, she didn't even have to go to the basement unless it was time to make a movie or entertain someone. She always slept in her own room. Yes, sometimes Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean came and slept with her, which she didn't like, but it was better than the basement, and they were just as likely to join her in the basement too. She could sometimes even go outside too, as long as Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean was with her. She was always a good girl too. She never tried to run. She would sit on the grass, if there was grass, legs crossed under her, soaking in the sun. Or, if the house had a swing set, she'd play on that. Sometimes Uncle Sean or Daddy Ken would set up a sprinkler if it was hot, and she could play with that. She didn't have a swimsuit, and if the place was secluded, as most of them were, she'd just take off her clothes and play naked in the water, knowing that's what Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean wanted her to do. _

_The last three times they moved, she wasn't tied, gagged, and kept in the box either. Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean almost never traveled together, they often didn't even live together, but Uncle Sean was over almost every day. Those last three moves, Suzie was allowed to ride in the front seat of the van with Daddy Ken. She could look out the window, watch the scenery pass. She could see other kids, going back and forth, from school or some other activity. All of them looking like her, yet entirely unlike her or the other kids she'd made movies with, too. These kids looked wide eyed and even the older ones, the ones that probably were having sex themselves, looked innocent. Probably because they wanted to have sex with the person they were doing it with. Someone their own age or maybe a little older or younger, someone who took them out for a hamburger or to a movie and then, after a certain amount of time, they both agreed it would be okay. _

_Occasionally, she did see another kid, most often a girl, but sometimes a boy, with that same haunted look she had whenever she wasn't pretending to be a killer on the prowl. If they were driving past, she would raise her fingers in a half wave._

_If they saw it, they almost always returned it. _

_The wounded knew how to spot each other. It was like some secret club nobody wanted to belong to, but managed to have a whole lot of members anyway. _

_Her acting abilities gave her freedom too. She realized that one day when Daddy Ken left her in the van to go into a restaurant to get food for them. Sometimes they stopped and went into the restaurant, but Daddy Ken was in a hurry that day, so take out it was. _

_There was a convenience store right next door to the restaurant. Suzie had been in them before with Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean. She knew they sold things like candy, gum, and soda. There was a five dollar bill in one of the cup holders. She took it, got out of the van and went to the little store. She bought the first candy she could see, a Hershey bar. That was good, she liked chocolate, Daddy Ken wouldn't think it was odd that she bought chocolate. As she paid the clerk, it was taking everything she had not to scream, "Help me! I'm being held captive by the guy driving a dark green van over at the restaurant, save me!" But something told her this was not the time to make her stand, that if she did, she might not succeed and then she'd lose everything. And, even worse, the clerk, that greasy haired man who smelled of cigar smoke and onions, might ask Daddy Ken if he could have her for a bit. Maybe he had a lot of money, so Daddy Ken would agree. So, she accepted her change with a bright smile to the clerk and forced herself not to hurry back to the van, but to walk as if everything was perfectly fine._

_Daddy Ken had been standing outside the van, a greasy bag of food in his hand, and looking around frantically. She forced herself to smile brightly when he saw her and to skip over, making her look even younger. Daddy Ken loved it when she acted more like she was nine, the age when they first took her, instead of eleven. She kept that smile plastered to her face until she was close enough to see Ken wasn't smiling, and was looking at her in an expression of mixed anger and worry. "Where were you?" he demanded. _

_She put on her most puzzled expression, tempering it with sadness. "I'm sorry, Daddy, I-I just wanted some chocolate." She held out the candy bar as proof. _

_"You _know_ you're _never _supposed to leave the van unless me or your Uncle Sean are with you!" Ken said, his voice angrier than she was used to. As angry as it had been when they first took her, walking home from school and she'd fought so hard to get away. "If you wanted a chocolate bar, you should have asked me, I'd have gone and gotten you one." _

_It wasn't hard for her to get tears in her eyes and for her lip to tremble. She might be in serious trouble, but she had to see this out, see if she could get away with it. "I'm _so _sorry, Daddy," she said, looking as if nothing could hurt her more than to see Ken was upset with her. "I just thought I'd get one myself, so you wouldn't have to be bothered with it. You didn't even want to go into the restaurant to eat, so I know you're in a hurry." She sniffled and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. "Please don't be mad at me!" _

_He frowned and looked unsure of what to do, then he shrugged his shoulders, probably realizing that it was okay, she had come back. "All right, sweetie," he said, "No harm done. Just ask me first before you run off. I worry about you." _

What are you worried about?_ she thought, _that I'm going to meet up with someone who will take me and do unspeakable things to me? Too late for that._ But she threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly, until he hugged her back, a bit awkward because of the bags of food. "I'm _so_ sorry," she said, in that same sob filled voice. Then she looked up at him, arms still around him and batted her eyes. "I'll make it up to you later, I promise." _

_He looked as if he was going to give one of his groans and she could feel __**it**__ stirring under his pants. __**It**__ had a thousand names, and when she was in front of a camera, or with someone who wanted her to, she could use all those words. But, in her own head, it was "__**it.**__" It didn't deserve to be called anything else. __**It**__ was mean and __**it **__made men crazy. Men thought they controlled __**it,**__ because__** it**__ wanted them to think that. In truth, __**it**__ had a mean intelligence and it controlled the men. But she also knew there was a time and place to let __**it**__ be in charge, and in public like this was not the right time. So she stepped away from Daddy Ken to let him get some control over __**it**__. "I'm hungry, Daddy," she said. "Can we go so we can eat? When we're done with our meal, we can share the chocolate bar." _

_"No," he said, "You can have the whole bar for yourself." _

_She had grinned at him, a wide, happy grin. It wasn't hard either, because on the inside, she was smiling. She had proven that she could get away. Maybe not for long, but he forgave her for going and getting a chocolate bar. He thought she could be trusted now, that she would always return to him. _

_She had a goal, she wasn't going to be like other kids, killed or given to someone else who would be even worse to her than Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean. Her first step was to make everyone think she liked this life, she liked having sex with people, even though she was too young. She had Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean convinced she was some sex crazed child and that was good. She knew one of the reasons why her movies did so well was because everyone said she really seemed to enjoy it._

_Her second step was to get them to trust her and she'd done that. She knew the third step would be to get them to trust her to the point where she could be gone long enough to get away. _

_Or, if that didn't work, she needed to find a way to kill them._

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Trying as hard as I can to get this finished so I can finish posting and be done with this story. Pretty clear nobody is too keen on it, but I want to finish it. Hard though, because I can only type w/one hand unless I can dictate to the neighbor.


	3. Chapter 3

_100,000 _[Children]_ are 'prostituted' annually. We call this trafficking_.

\- National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (NAASCU)

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**Chapter Three**

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Mox wasn't sure if he expected Toril to call that same night, or had hoped she would.

She didn't.

Sunday, he and Seth drove to SPWA to have Sunday dinner with his family. Mox made sure his cell phone was on him, thinking she would call.

She didn't.

He still had a good time seeing his folks. Roman there, because it was the off season for football and in the off season, he came home and worked at the camp. May Parker-Devany was there too, which was a surprise to Mox. She was still wrestling in the indies along with her sister Raven although the two of them were in separate promotions. May explained to him that the promotion she was in right now, was invading a small, Florida promotions. "I called to say hello and your mother was kind enough to invite me to dinner and you know I'm not going to pass up your mom's cooking."

"Yeah," Sefa said, smirking. "_Roman_ being here had nothing to do with it, right?"

This caused both Roman and May to blush. It was one of the worst kept secrets in both families that whenever possible, May and Roman went out together. Because their schedules were so different, they hadn't made any sort of official commitment, and believed they were both welcome to see other people, but Mox had the feeling they didn't. He wasn't sure if one realized the other was being faithful, but he supposed they would eventually.

He and Seth hung around for the day, eating dinner, talking with Roman and May. Mox checked his phone every time he heard it ping that he had a message, thinking Toril might decide to contact him by message. He had lots of messages from people he knew through the indies who kept in touch, or people at FCW,

But none from Toril.

Then, Monday rolled around and it was the same brutal schedule of working out, mixed with meetings and promotion filming, which went until Wednesday. Except when he was in wrestling trunks, and working out in the ring, Mox had his phone on him, waiting for it to vibrate and let him know someone had called or left a message. When he couldn't have the phone on him, he kept it nearby and checked it often.

She didn't call.

Wednesday night they had their show, which was filmed and the best of it was packaged into an hour long show that was shown on a local cable station. The best of the best fights were then put on the WWE's YouTube channel. Mox was in a rivalry with Sami, and both the promo he cut and and the fight made it to the video channel. Normally, that would have put Mox over the moon, but this time, he was more worried about the phone.

She didn't call.

On Saturday night, he again went out with Sami, saying he wanted to see the fights, but really hoping to see Toril. She was there, not fighting the champion, but fighting someone else, another person likely looking for cash. She won that fight and as soon as if was over, Mox used the bathroom excuse and almost flew down the stairs, trying to find her.

She had already disappeared into the fighters only area. The same bouncer was there, separating him from the fighters, but Mox didn't bother to pay him. He had given her his number, she would call or she wouldn't. He didn't fault her if she didn't, he doubted she wanted to remember who he was anyway. But it would have been nice if she had called just to let him know she was all right.

He wondered if she could do what she was doing and be all right. There seemed to be no rules in this fighting, just beating each other until one couldn't stand it anymore and gave up. That had to wear you out. He worried that her injuries weren't being taken care of, because he strongly doubted illegal fighting offered health insurance.

_It's not really the fighting that's illegal _he reminded himself, something Sami had talked about. _It's all the betting on it that's illegal. _

He knew her name wasn't Suzie, and he suspected it wasn't Toril either, but that's how he thought of her now, Toril. He'd even looked it up on the internet, to see what it meant. It was a Norse name meaning "Thunder." Considering how violently she fought, how much she threw herself into it, he thought it was a pretty good name. A whole lot better than "Little Suzie."

He told no one about this. Not even Roman, who he texted back and forth with daily, several times. Not Seth, who he lived with. Not even Sefa, who he knew would want to know he'd found her. _All I want to do is know she's okay_, he told himself.

She still didn't call.

He didn't go to his folks house on Sunday, instead he and Seth went to do CrossFit together. Seth had recently found out about CrossFit and was addicted to it. Mox thought it was pretty good, but couldn't quite get why Seth could go on and on about it for hours. Before that, it had been Parkour, which Mox had found a lot more fun.

Still, she didn't call.

The next week started and it was much like every week, except for Thursday. Thursday morning he didn't have to train because he was scheduled to go to a nearby elementary school to talk to all the kids about how to minimize their risk of abduction. The WWE and FCW always let him do those talks, knowing it was his way of giving back to the community.

.

The awful truth was that children just didn't seem to get Stranger Danger at all. He'd read about studies done, where kids were given the lectures, told what to do, then right after the talks, not do anything asked, and still go off with strangers. Still, Mox did the talks. He was honest with the kids, not detailed, but honest. He told them how he had been taken himself as a young kid, held captive in a basement for all those years. He gave them tips on how to avoid this happening to them. He told them that most strangers weren't there to harm them, but some were, so it was best to treat all strangers with caution. He told them things like "Never go up to the car if someone asks you for directions. Never believe someone who asks you to help find a lost puppy or kitten. He gave them alternative advice such as to say that instead of directions, they should say that they didn't know where the street was they were looking for, and then go into a nearby building until they were gone. That they should contact animal control for their missing pet. Maybe it was useless, but if these talks lead to _one_ kid not being taken as he was, then it was worth it. He helped the teachers pass out identity kits to the kids that they could take home and go over with their parents, putting down all vital information that could lead to these kids being recovered if they were taken.

He knew most of the parents wouldn't bother to fill it out. Nobody wanted to believe it would happen to _their _kid. Besides, they had a safeword to protect their kid. They'd told their kid from the moment they could listen that they were never to go with someone, unless they first said the safeword. What they didn't realize was that Unicorn and Umbrella were so common that most abductors could give them a shot and have a good chance. Even though the kit said to avoid those words, parents _still_ used them. Because they didn't read the pamphlet in the kit. Because they didn't want to believe it could happen to their kid. Until it did. _ Maybe we should make these parents turn in the kits, filled out, to the schools or police stations. Letting them keep it just gives them an excuse not to do it._

The whole time he was giving his talk, he had his phone on vibrate, waiting to hear.

She didn't call.

Saturday, Sami asked him if he wanted to go with him again, and this time he said no. If she'd wanted to hear from him, she would have called by now. He resigned himself that she didn't want anything to do with him, and all he could do was be glad that she somehow escaped that life, even if he wasn't sure her new lifestyle of beating up and being beat on by people was all that much better.

_At least she has free will,_ he thought, although he wondered about that. It seemed like anything women wanted to do, especially if it wasn't legal, men found a way to make it work for _them_. Porn stars had agents, most of whom took a heftier than normal fee for being an entertainment agent. Prostitutes had pimps. Did female illegal fighters have some guy standing over their shoulder, taking their wins away from them, merely giving them scraps?

He debated if he should tell the FBI about her, that he had found her. He had friends in the FBI now, he even worked with them sometimes. But, he decided not to. He had no idea how old Suzie was when he'd "known" her, but she was likely to be eighteen now, and she had a right to her privacy. Although, he wondered if she was recognized by folks, considering the circles she moved in were likely to not be so shy about telling her they'd seen her doing kiddie porn.

_You can't save the world_, he told himself as he flipped through the cable guide on Saturday night, in front of the TV. He didn't often give himself "veg" time, so he was actually looking forward to some mindless TV. Seth was out on a date with a waitress he'd met at that Cuban restaurant he'd gone to the first night Mox had seen Toril fight. She had even picked him up in a little red sports car, which made Mox wonder how lucrative a career of waitressing could be.

He had just settled down to watch An American Werewolf in London, a movie he'd seen several times, when his cell phone rang. Unlike other times this last two weeks, he didn't jump to answer it, he looked at the screen.

_Unknown Caller. _

He rolled his eyes, expecting to find some robo-caller. They weren't supposed to call cell phones, but since they were usually operating illegal scams, they didn't really care if the phone call itself was illegal. But, he answered it. "Hello?"

There was silence and he was sure that soon he would hear that click that signaled some huge phone room in some third world nation that they had a live one on the line. Or, that a recording would start, telling him that since he was such a great person and very responsible with his cash, that they were going to offer him a reduced rate of interest on his credit card. All they had to do was give him the number in front of his card, the expiration date, and that magical code on the back. He was ready to string them out and mess with them, just for shits and giggles. Then, he heard a female voice. "Timmy?"

It was her. Older, yes. The last time she'd spoken to him, she was a girl, now she was a woman, but the voice hadn't changed that much. "Suzie?" he said, then quickly corrected himself, "Toril, I mean."

"It's okay," she said. "I called you Timmy, we're even. Do you want me to call you, Jon, Mox,? or Dean?"

"You know who I am," he said, then realized how stupid that sounded and added, "Like who I am now that I'm not Timmy."

"Yeah," she said. "I know all about that. I had escaped by the time you came forward with... all of it. So, I followed it as best I could. I know your legal name was Dean Ambrose, but it's now Jon Moxley Reigns."

"Yeah," he said. "Did you remember your real name when you escaped?" He wanted to tell her how glad he was that she escaped, but for some reason, he was nervous as if he might be talking someone through diffusing a bomb. _Our lives were so fucked up_, he thought. _ We really don't have a clue how to talk to each other now that we're away from that._

"Yeah, I did."

"Is it Toril?"

"Toril is real enough for now," she said, and Mox accepted that. "So, you recognized me, I guess."

"Yeah," he said. "I expected you would be fighting tonight."

"I can't," she said, and he could hear the bitter note in her voice. "I broke my arm, I'm not going to be fighting for awhile."

"I'm sorry to hear that." He hoped she had another job to fall back on.

"It's life."

This phone thing wasn't working. "Hey," he said, "Do you want to meet? Like for something to eat? There's a great diner not too far from here."

She hesitated to the point where Mox was expecting her to refuse, then she said, "What's the name of the diner?"

He gave her the name. Another long hesitation, then she said she'd meet him there. "I could pick you up," he offered. Seth's car was in the driveway, Mox had his license, and they had an agreement that Seth had priority, but Mox could use it if Seth wasn't. "You'll have to give me your address."

"No," she said. "I'll meet you there. It's not too far for me at all. See you there in an hour?"

"Okay," he said and before they could exchange proper goodbyes, she hung up.

.

The diner was less than five minutes away by car. So, Mox took a shower, even though he'd taken one when he left the gym that day. He could remember when he and Suzie were together down in the basement, that the basement had a bathroom, but it only had a sink and a toilet, no shower. They had washed with the sink as best they could, but with nothing but a couple rags and no soap, it was hard to get truly clean.

"It _smells_ down here," she'd said after a few days, wrinkling her nose.

He had nodded, but didn't tell her what it was. It was the smell of sweat _and_ the smell of sex.

He didn't smell like sex now, but he wanted to make sure he didn't smell of sweat either. Because she'd probably remember what his sweat smelled like. And it would probably remind her of sex.

.

He was at the diner twenty minutes early, but that was fine. He wanted to get a table and establish that he was there before she arrived. Also, the place was known to be busy on weekend nights. But, he was there at the right time, after dinner rush, before after movies or after closing time rush. The hostess showed him to a booth that was along the wall of windows that overlooked the parking lot. He ordered coffee and drank it, texting Roman about anything but what he was doing and sneaking looks out in the parking lot. When he saw a figure walking across the crushed shell parking lot, wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, pulled up and covering her face, he knew it was her. The waitress was nearby, and he asked her for a double order of Mozzarella sticks with extra marinara sauce. The waitress had just walked off when "Toril" walked in the door. She pulled back her hoodie, and he saw her face. He motioned her over, realizing one sleeve of her hoodie was empty. when she awkwardly took off the hoodie, he saw her right arm was in a cast. He wanted to get up and help her, but he instinctively knew she didn't want his help.

When she finished, she slid in the booth across from his. "Hey," she said, her gaze only resting on his for a moment, then looking around nervously.

"Hey," he said, feeling more than a little nervous himself. _ What next?_ he thought._ How's it going now that you're not a human sex toy anymore? That seems a little harsh. _ "Did you want coffee?" he asked her, motioning to his own cup, "Or would you like something else?"

"Just water," she said.

She was looking around and her gaze fixed on a waitress bringing a milkshake over to another table, and he saw the look of raw hunger on her face. "Look, Toril," he said. "This is on me. I asked you here, and I want to pay. So get what you like."

She stared at him. "This isn't a _date_," she snapped. "I _didn't_ agree to go on a date with you!"

"No, it's not a date," he assured her. "Just a chance to... talk and eat food together, food that I'm paying for. So do you want a milkshake?"

She hesitated, and he had the feeling she wanted to refuse him, wanted to tell him he could shove his generosity right up his ass, but he saw another look too, and that look said hunger. She nodded.

"Good," He said, handing her a menu from where they were kept in a metal rack on the table. "Order what you want."

She looked at the menu as if, well, as if she were a starving person looking at a menu. He studied her, she wasn't overly thin, in fact, she had good muscle on her, from what he could tell. She was wearing a t-shirt and he saw the muscles in her arms. _She's broke,_ he concluded, _she probably hasn't eaten all day or maybe even a couple of days. She lives hand to mouth and that broken arm probably pushed it out of her hand and thus out of her mouth._

The waitress came over with the plate of mozzarella sticks with extra sauce and put them down. Toril's eyes went wide when she saw them. "You remembered," she whispered.

Mox nodded.

.

_She spent a lot of that first day, crying on and off as the cold, mean, reality of what she was thrust into settled around her like a black fog. At one point, because she couldn't process it all, she looked at Mox and whined, "I want some mozzarella sticks! With extra pizza sauce!" _

_He knew that far more than the food she wished for, she wanted to be let go of this nightmare and taken home. The mozzarella sticks were just something she could put into words. But he played along with her. "What are mozzarella sticks?" he asked her. He honestly didn't know._

_She gave him an incredulous look. "Fried mozzarella cheese!" she said, as if he might be the dumbest person ever. "They're crispy on the outside and full of gooey cheese on the inside, and you dip them in pizza sauce, it's like only eating the best part of a pizza!" _

_He might not have known what they were then, but that "best part of a pizza" part appealed to him. He was trying to keep things realistic for her, because fantasy could sometimes make it worse when you realized where you were and what was happening, but he figured a little break from reality would be good. "I'll tell you what," he said, "if we get out of here, I will buy you a double order of these mozzarella sticks." _

_"You'd better!" she told him, and then burst into tears. And Mox knew she_ thought_ she was crying about mozzarella sticks, but in truth, she was crying for so much more. _

.

"I owe you," Mox said, looking at the mozzarella sticks. Before the waitress could leave, he motioned for her to stay. "I need a -" He glanced at Toril.

"Chocolate" "Toril" said.

"-Chocolate milkshake," Mox said. "Extra thick. The biggest one you make."

"And a Coke," Toril added. "Ice cream makes me thirsty," she explained with a shrug when Mox looked at her.

"And a Coke," Mox repeated to the waitress. _She's loading up, _he thought. _ She's trying to get as many calories into her as she can to make up for the coming days where she might not get anything to eat._ He knew that game, he'd played it himself when he was held captive in that basement. Dennis and Simon often controlled what he ate, but any chance he had to sneak extra food, he took it.

When the waitress left, Toril's gaze went from the mozzarella sticks to him, and he was puzzled, then realized she was waiting for him to go first. "Help yourself," he said.

She didn't need to be told twice.

.

She ordered the meatloaf dinner, with mashed potatoes and gravy. Mox had them add a salad to that, thinking she probably needed a little vegetable matter. When they brought the salad, her eyes lit up because it came with two packages of crackers in lieu of croutons. Even though she was down one hand, she made those crackers disappear into a pocket of her sweatpants. Mox had ordered a salad too, because Mom Jen lived in his head, and she always wanted him to eat a salad. He handed Toril his crackers and she made them vanish too.

He let her eat, barely saying anything while she demolished every bite of food, using her dinner roll to wipe up every last bit of gravy. He ate his chicken breast sandwich on Rye bread, something that wasn't too horrible for him. He asked for chips instead of fries, knowing they would give them to him in a sealed bag. He offered the bag to Toril, who took it without a word and tucked the bag into one of the pockets in her hoodie. She was adapting remarkably well for someone who only had one arm.

.

When dinner was finished, and she was enjoying a slice of apple pie with ice cream, he thought she might be food sedated enough to be honest with him. "So, uh, how did you get away?"

She shrugged. "I did." And the way she said it, told him this was a story she wasn't ready to tell him.

He understood that, even respected her for that. So, he changed tactics. "How did you get involved in this whole underground fighting thing?"

Another shrug, but she gave a better answer. "I like to fight," she admitted. "I spent some time in Detroit before I came here, I made a friend, and she got me into it. She trained me."

"Is she still around?"

She shook her head and offered no explanation.

"Does it pay good?" he asked.

Another shrug. "When you win it does. When you lose it sucks. Sometimes they give you a fee for being there, but it's not much. And some places won't pay you at all if you lose. But that gig you saw me at? That's not the only place around I can fight. There are a few other clubs. When I'm at peak, I fight three to five times a week."

Considering the brutality of this fighting, Mox knew three to five times a week was probably pretty dangerous. Then again, wrestling was too. "Uh, what about your arm?" he asked.

She looked at her cast with a distasteful expression. "It sucks," she said. "There are places that will let me fight with it. I was going to try to give it a couple weeks at least, to let it start healing, but I don't think I'm going to do that."

"Why not?" He asked, but he had a feeling he knew the answer, everything about her screamed the answer clearly, "Money."

"I've got to live," she said, her voice flat. "I was staying in a hotel where I could pay by the week, but I had to leave. I had to pay some veterinarian my stash to set my arm. I'm busted now. I found an abandoned building to crash in, but that isn't going to help me get food."

"How long did the vet say it would take to heal your arm?" he asked. She wasn't the first person Mox had heard about who went to an animal doctor instead of a doctor for people, just to save money. He had seen a veterinarian once for stitches when he was in the indies. It gave them a little extra money under the table, which many of them used to help the pets of owners who couldn't pay. Their offices were clean and their equipment sterile. A vet that would do first aid on a human was often better than a free clinic with some overworked doctor and maybe a nurse who barely had any time to clean, but a vet still expected money.

"Six weeks," she said, shrugging and taking another fork full of pie and ice cream. "I can't go that long without money."

"How about if you could stay somewhere?" Mox said, before he could talk himself out of it, "Someplace with a roof over your head, and where you'd be fed?"

"What, some halfway house?" she said, her nose wrinkling in disgust. "No thank you."

"No, my place," he said. "Well, I share it with a guy named Seth. He's pretty much another brother."

She shook her head. "I'm not going to stay with you and your roommate."

He knew what she was not saying, _I'm not sure this Seth person won't expect me to suck his dick in return for staying there, so thanks but no thanks. _ "It's not like you think," he said. "Seth has his own room. It's a two bedroom house, but you'll have my room." He could sleep on the couch, it was a futon anyway, so it was just like a bed. Toril would be able to have a room of her own. With a lock on the door, something he knew she would appreciate. It wasn't a simple lock that could easily be picked with a credit card. The house had been a rental for a number of years, and at some point, one of the tenants must have had some privacy problems, because they had replaced the doorway and the interior door with a strong, exterior door and an expensive, keyless lock. It was the smaller of the two bedrooms, but Mox had picked it because he liked the lock. He wasn't really afraid someone was going to break in and attack him, but the lock made him sleep a little bit easier.

"I don't want to be a bother."

"If you were going to be a bother, I wouldn't have asked you," Mox said. He studied her for a moment. "Look, Toril, if you're out on the streets I'm going to be worried about you."

"I can take care of myself!" she said, a little louder than her normal voice, with a tinge of anger. "I don't need protecting."

"Yeah," he said, although he doubted she was totally able to fight off anyone. Someone with a gun or a knife would have an advantage, but he knew that being able to protect herself was a point of pride. "But you can't protect yourself against the weather. It rains all the time in Florida. Finding a good place to really get some sleep must be hard. I'm not asking you to move in forever, just until you get on your feet."

She scowled, sipping at her Coke, the milkshake long gone. Mox said nothing, letting her chew it over. When there was nothing but ice at the bottom of the glass and the plate of pie was empty except for crumbs, she finally drew in a deep breath. "You aren't going to try to keep me there?"

He shook his head. _At least not by force, _he thought,_ although I might try to do some verbal persuasion. _"All I'm asking is that you don't do any of this fighting stuff until your arm is healed. I'll make sure you have food and a roof over your head, but you've got to agree not to fight. Let it heal."

Her scowl deepened as she thought, then she looked at him. "And you or this Seth guy won't ever touch me?"

He thought about explaining the lock, but decided it would be better to show her. "Yeah," he said. "Seth and I won't ever ask anything sexual of you. We won't want to hurt you. Besides, Seth gets enough action, forcing himself on women is not one of his things."

"Is it one of_ yours_, Timmy?" Her eyes were narrowed.

"Mox," he said,"I mostly go by Mox. And no worries from me, I'm the master celibate. I still have the parts, but I might as well be an Eunuch."

"You sure weren't when I first met you," she said and her tone wasn't friendly at all.

_I deserve that,_ he thought, but ignored it. "Again, I'm making the offer. Stay with us. Let your arm heal properly."

She hesitated a bit longer, but in the end she agreed. When he asked her if they needed to go someplace to get her things, she told him she'd hidden her duffle bag and backpack in a group of bushes down the road a bit from the diner. "I didn't want to look like I was, you know, walking around with everything I own, even though I was."

He nodded. While he paid the bill, she ran and got her things. When he got outside, she was looking around for him. He motioned her to Seth's car and he stashed her things in the back seat. He was glad to see she automatically put the seat belt on when she got into the car.

When she had settled into the car, he turned the key. As the car came to life, he smiled at her. "Ready to see your new home, at least temporarily?"

She nodded. He pulled out of the parking lot and headed back to the house.

* * *

**Author's notes**: Once my arm is fixed, I plan to finish this story as quick as possible and post whatever I have left. I have 18 chpt prewritten. I hope I'll have it finished in 20-21. I know most folks don't care, but I want to at least finish this. Still embarrassed that I never completed the Corbin story.

Sorry, arm problems have me depressed. Don't know how much you need something until it's gone. Might be my right hand, but I only write w/left. Do most everything else with right.


	4. Chapter 4

_"If the connection between abuse and "love" is made early in life, the feelings of shame and anger, which naturally happen as a consequence of the abuse, can become mixed up with sexual feelings, leading to confusion in the person who experienced the abuse. These feelings may become interpreted as feelings of love and passion, and can lead to sexual arousal." _

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

* * *

.

Chapter Four

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

_The last house Suzie and Daddy Ken lived in together was rented as "furnished," but the furniture was cheap and most of it about ready to fall apart, or just filthy. The mattress in her room had been a horrible, stained mess that even Daddy Ken said was disgusting, so he bought a new one, very cheap, but better than the one that had been there. He had replaced the mattress in his room too, with one much finer. She knew that because she sometimes spent the night in his room. The three of them, Daddy Ken, Uncle Sean and herself painted her room though. It had been an ugly Hunter green when they took the house, which made the small room seem even smaller and darker. They painted it pink of course, even though she would have preferred any color but pink._

_"Can't we paint it a nice, pastel blue?" she suggested. Blue was her favorite color. It was the color of the sky, the color of freedom. Pink was the color of sex in her mind. Pink was the color that drove __**it**__ crazy. _

_Daddy Ken laughed, a real laugh, too, showing he had no intention of taking her request seriously. "You want it painted like Timmy's room, don't you?" When she shook her head, he laughed again. "You don't have to be shy about it, baby girl, he was your first and your first will always be special." They were taping the woodwork in the bedroom in preparation for the painting, waiting for Uncle Sean to come over and help. "He treated you really good, Suzie, I know he did, I saw it." _

_She forced herself to smile. By their standards, "Little Timmy" _had _treated her well. He had done everything he could to make sure he was gentle, that he wouldn't hurt her too badly. But she was tired of the jokes. She was ashamed of that time, ashamed with how she had responded to Timmy's gentleness. She didn't have any defenses in place then, she had let him make her vulnerable. And honestly, she didn't even remember what color Timmy's room was, because unless the movie lights were on and they were filming, the walls looked like some washed out gray color. _

_Daddy Ken must have seen she was upset, even behind the smile, because he put down the tape he was using, scooped her into his arms. He placed her on the bed, which was covered with plastic and moved to the center of the room. Then he got on top of her. She automatically moved her legs so he could lie between them as she had been taught. He started rubbing himself along her, whispering in her ear. "He's your first, but I'm the best, right?" _

_"Yes, Daddy," she said, rocking her hips so she was pressing into him, another thing she was taught to do. The protective plastic on the mattress made the bed slippery. _Teeth,_ she told herself. _I have teeth down there and they're all razor sharp. The next time he puts it inside of me, I'm going to bite it off._ The thought of it made her moan, thinking of herself covered with his blood, imagining his eyes going wide, trying to protest but being unable to, because he was bleeding out. It was a really good fantasy and she found herself rubbing into him a little more eager than normal. _

_"Oh god, Baby, keep that up and I won't be able to stop myself," he said, "My little baby slut," He balanced on one elbow and pushed her t-shirt up, so he could touch her breasts, which were very small, but they were there, unlike when they had first taken her. She almost regretted that she had been allowed to wear pants to protect her clothing from paint. If she'd been wearing one of her dresses, she'd probably be able to fantasize about biting a finger or two off first._

_She was actually thinking about moving his hand to her crotch, hoping he'd say to hell with it and undo the button on her jeans, but Uncle Sean walked into the room, and when he saw the two of them, he shook his head. "Enough, you two," he said, his voice businesslike, but not mean. "We need to get this room painted." _

_Daddy Ken groaned loudly, and Suzie thought he might suggest Uncle Sean join them and have themselves a "quickie" before they painted. _I can bite two of them off,_ she thought. But Daddy Ken got off of her, standing up and adjusting the loose sweatpants he wore. "Sorry, baby girl," he said, his gaze still hungry as it took in her body. "I'd really love to fuck you right now, but your Uncle Sean is right, we have to get this room painted." _

_She smiled, her most adorable, I'm-such-a-naughty-little-girl smile. "That's okay, Daddy. It won't take that long to paint this room." Like the girl she'd been taught to be, she licked her lips. _

_It hadn't taken long to paint her room, and before the paint had a chance to dry, she got to imagine both of them bleeding to death as her imaginary razor sharp teeth below bit it off. _It's _not that, she told herself when they spent themselves, falling on top of her, groaning loudly. It's their blood, spilling out of them._

_._

_Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean owned guns and they had knives they used in the kitchen, but they were always kept locked up when Suzie was around. If her food couldn't be cut with a butter knife, they would cut it for her. Suzie didn't think about it at first, life had been too awful to realize what was going on. But, it did hit her eventually, that they did that because they didn't trust her. No matter how much she pretended that she didn't mind this life, that she actually enjoyed it, they didn't quite trust her around weapons. While she didn't like it, she thought it was pretty smart of them. Had she been able to shoot or stab them, she might be able to get out of there faster._

_But when the kitchen table at that last place with all its cheap furniture fell apart, she realized she hadn't been thinking about weapons correctly. The table fell over and one thick, heavy, leg rolled across the kitchen. The food Uncle Sean brought over had fallen to the floor, but it was all still in its containers, so they would be able to save it. Trying to be helpful, because being helpful made Daddy Ken more trusting, she went over and picked up the table leg. _

_The weight felt good in her hands and as she held it, she looked at Uncle Sean and imagined her holding it with both hands, raising it above her head and then bringing it down, slamming it into Uncle Sean's skull with such force that his head would split open like a ripe melon. She drew in a sharp breath, realizing this was more satisfying as her fantasies about killing him with sex. _

_"Baby, what's going on?" _

_She heard Daddy Ken's voice as if it were far away and she had to shake her head hard to snap herself back into reality. The table leg was still in her hand, she hadn't grabbed it with both hands and raised it above her head, ready to make fantasy a reality, but she must have had the wrong look on her face, because both Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean were looking at her with almost wary expressions. She saw a spot on the wall across the room and thought quickly. "There's a roach on the wall!" she said, sounding both afraid and angry. "I hate roaches!" _

_She didn't have to pretend, she did hate roaches and they both knew it. Daddy Ken went over and looked at the spot. "It's not a roach, baby, it's just a grease spot." _

_Uncle Sean took the chair leg away from her. She hadn't wanted to give it up, but she let him take it easily. "I hate roaches!" She said again, then burst into tears. "They scare me!" _

_She was scared of roaches, but she wasn't afraid of them. Being able to cry on command had made her very popular in her movies, but they still fell for it. Instead of worrying that she might have had some bad ideas of what she could do with that chair leg, they rushed to comfort her, to assure her that it was all right, and they would get an exterminator into the house as soon as possible to make sure the house was free of those nasty roaches. And until they were all gone, Daddy Ken would be there to take care of her. Uncle Sean promised to go out right after dinner and come back with roach spray and traps so they could spray her room that very night._

_She felt so stupid for not having thought of it sooner, but she couldn't change it. All she could do was be grateful that late as it was, she had finally realized, _a weapon doesn't have to be sharp, it doesn't have to shoot bullets, all it has to do is to be long and heavy enough that I can give it a good swing and bash them in the head.

_They ate their dinner in the living room and when they were finished, Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean took the table into the garage and put the leg back on and fixed it up so it wouldn't fall apart again. They wouldn't let Suzie help them, maybe they were afraid she'd see too many things that would make great weapons. But she knew her time was coming. All she had to do was to keep being good little Suzie, and be on the lookout. _

_Uncle Sean went out to get the spray and the traps and when he returned they let her watch TV, while they sprayed the room, and put down the traps. When they finished, they came out and told her she probably shouldn't sleep there that night, that the spray they used was strong._

_She looked up and smiled. Her TV watching was carefully monitored, but Uncle Sean had ways to make sure the "adult" channels on cable were unlocked and she could watch those. She had turned to one of those and pretended she was engrossed in whatever was on. "It's okay," she said brightly. "I didn't want to sleep with those nasty paint fumes anyway. Can I sleep with you, Daddy? And can Uncle Sean spend the night with us, too?" _

_She was not at all surprised that both of them thought that was a great idea. And, just in case they still had doubts about her with that table leg? She went out of her way to be extra good to them, to let them think that what they were doing to her was her favorite thing in the world and she was in ecstasy the entire time._

_And they died several deaths in her mind, each one more horrific than the last._

* * *

**Author's Notes: ** As of the next chapter, this story will go up to an "M" rating. I'm warning folks because I tried at Chapter 2 and folks told me they didn't realize there was a chapter 2 until I posted chap. 3 with a T rating. So, if you are enjoying the story and don't normally read M stories, you might want to follow it.

It's not that I feel anything I'm writing is something a teenager shouldn't read. I'm not trying to glorify child abuse in any way, I'm trying to show it as a horrible thing. But, FFnet has strange rules and a T rating seems to be more "Not suitable for preteens and lower" rather than teenagers.


	5. Chapter 5

_People who were abused as children may believe, on some deep level that may even be out of their conscious awareness, that they are not good enough to deserve a genuinely caring relationship. They feel in a one-down position to others, making it hard to accept real love. They may have even been convinced by their abuser that they deserved the abuse. This is never true as no-one deserves to be mistreated._

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

.

Chapter Five

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

It was still early when they got back to his place and Seth was still out. Mox wondered if he'd come home at all that night. A lot of times when he went on a date, even if it was a first date, he ended up spending the night at his date's place. There was something about Seth that made women willing to jump into bed with him. Mox didn't know what it was, and really didn't care. He'd had girls hit on him before, lots of times and he turned down every one.

He was glad Seth was gone and found himself hoping he would be out all night to give Toril a chance to settle in before the explaining started. He wasn't quite sure how Seth would feel about having an unexpected roommate, especially a roommate that meant Mox would be sleeping in the living room. He was afraid if they had to have a discussion about it, Toril might leave. The longer she stayed before any type of confrontation, the easier it would be to convince her to keep staying. _If I'm lucky, I can get to him before he comes in the house or get him outside and away from Toril and talk to him in private. I don't want her to hear. _

He showed her his room, which was small and neat. A double bed, a small closet and a bookshelf which held his collection of books and CD's. "As luck would have it, I just changed the sheets this morning," he told her.

She was examining the doorway, the door, and the lock and he knew she was pleased with it, but she walked over to the bed. "I feel bad taking your bed away," she said.

He shrugged. "It's cool. I don't mind the sofa, it's a futon anyway." He knew she didn't want to sleep on the futon with another man living here. "Uh, if you want to wash your clothes, we do have a washer and dryer."

She nodded, putting her backpack and duffle bag on the floor. "Would it bother you if I did that tomorrow?" she asked, in a timid voice, " I'm _really_ tired and I'd love to get some sleep."

_Of course she's tired_, he thought. _She's been sleeping in an abandoned building and she just ate a heavy meal._ "If you want to take a shower first, the bathroom is off the kitchen."

He found a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt to let her wear that night. He also gave her his code to the bedroom door. "We can reprogram it tomorrow," he told her. "Change it so the only code will be the one you set." That wasn't quite true, there was a master code that could be used to override all codes, but he didn't think he should tell her. He had no intention of ever walking in that room without her permission as long as she was staying there.

She opted for the shower and he got her a clean towel and a washcloth. For two single guys, they had ample amounts of linens and towels, because his and Seth's mothers recognized they might not find sheets and towels high on the priority list so both of them had made sure they had plenty. Mox thought it was overkill, but he was grateful for it now.

He told her she was welcome to use his shampoo. "Mine's the baby shampoo," he said. Seth used one of those "For men only" combination shampoo and conditioner that came in a black bottle and smelled like some strange musk and spice aftershave. Mox hated all scents that were thought of as masculine. Baby shampoo was the closest he could find to having no scent. Baby shampoo and ivory soap.

He looked under the sink and found a foil package of hair conditioner that came in the mail. He wasn't sure why they had saved it, maybe Seth did in the case of a hair conditioning emergency, but he gave it to Toril. "It might not do your whole head," he commented. Just as when she was a child, she had very long hair.

While her fiberglass cast was made of a more waterproof material than the old plaster casts, Mox still helped her wrap it in plastic wrap and taped it with duct tape. He could have suggested a bath instead, where she could have kept her arm out of the water, but he knew when he was really dirty, a shower made you feel much cleaner.

"That should be waterproof enough," he said, "but you might want to try to keep it out of the direct spray from the shower."

"It's fine, thank you," she said, which he took to be the dismissal it was and left the room.

.

While she was in the shower, he went to his room and changed into a clean pair of gym shorts and a tank top. He put together some clothing for him to wear tomorrow and brought it out to the living room so he would have them when he woke up.

_**Not trying to crash your date, but in case you come home tonight, I'll be sleeping in the living room. I have a friend using my bedroom. I'll explain more later. No, you don't have to respond to this if you're busy.**_

Even though he told him he didn't have to, a few minutes later, he got a response. **That's fine, I probably won't be coming home tonight anyway. You could use my room if you wanted. **

_**No, that's okay.**_ He didn't want to use Seth's bedroom. Not that there was anything wrong with Seth's bedroom, but it wasn't his. The futon/couch seemed somehow like neutral territory.

When he was done with Seth, he texted Roman and Lance. He didn't tell either of them about having Suzie/Toril with him. He didn't know why, but he wasn't ready to talk to anyone they had reconnected. Maybe he was worried they'd make a fuss and want him to start drilling her about everything and he was smart enough to know if he pushed her too far, she'd run off.

She took a long time in the shower, which he expected her to. When she came out, she was wearing the sweatpants and T-shirt he'd lent her, and they hung from her small frame, making her look cute and ultra feminine the way small women always seemed to look in men's clothing. She had a towel wrapped around her head. "Do-Do you have a blow dryer?" she asked, her voice timid. "I didn't want to go searching through your bathroom."

"Under the sink" he said. He didn't use a blow dryer, but Seth did. She went back into the bathroom and he heard the sound of the blow dryer going. He unfolded the futon and put sheets on it. He turned the air conditioner in the living room so the room would get cooler. They did have central air conditioning, but the unit was so old that it barely worked so they had window air conditioners in the bedrooms and the living room. Seth's was a monster of a unit, because for reasons Mox didn't understand, Seth liked his room so cold when he slept that Mox suspected he buried his whole body under the covers so he wouldn't get frostbite. Mox liked it when it was cold enough so that he needed a sheet and a lightweight blanket to keep warm, but beyond that was overkill.

When Toril came into the living room again, her hair was drier, but tangled in the back. She held a brush in her hand and her face was red with embarrassment. "I-I can do almost anything with one arm," she stammered. "But I have a lot of trouble brushing all of my hair."

He smiled, knowing this was making her uncomfortable and wanting to ease her from the discomfort. "Sit on the couch," he said, deliberately not calling it a bed, even though it was more of a bed than a sofa in this state. She sat down on the very end of the bed, both feet on the floor. He took the brush from her and as gently as possible, he brushed all of her hair, marveling at how soft and fine it felt. His own hair had a bit of a course texture, but her hair felt like strands of silk that slipped through his fingers and through the brush like water.

"You don't have to be so gentle," she said. "I'm not going to break."

There was a moment of frozen silence between the two of each other, because both of them realize how bad her comment could be taken, in a different context, a context both of them were far more familiar with. _ Almost everything people can say can be taken as a double entendre,_ he thought. He recovered as quickly as he could and brushed her hair a bit firmer.

_God this is awkward,_ he thought. _We're total strangers in some ways, and very close in others. I have no clue how I'm supposed to handle this. Do I treat her like a friend or a stranger?_

When her hair was smooth, lying down her back like a cape of silk strands, he put the brush down and helped her take the tape and plastic off her cast, noting with relief that the cast was bone dry. He handed her the brush, which she took, curling her fingers around it tightly. "I'll bet you're tired," he said, his voice was gentle. When she nodded, he did too. "Why don't you get some sleep? We can talk more in the morning."

She didn't need to be told twice. She got up from the bed and went to Mox's room. He heard her close the door behind her and he let out a long sigh. But, he was tired too, and after turning out the lights and getting into bed, he fell asleep almost immediately.

.

Mox was a light sleeper most of the time, especially if something changed in his sleeping arrangements, so he woke up instantly, when he felt weight on the other side of the futon. The room was black and at first he thought Seth might have been stumbling through half drunk and hit the futon. "Hey," he started to say, ready to add something about being careful and letting a guy get some sleep, but the words froze in his throat.

It was Suzie, no Toril, sitting on the side of his bed. He rose to a sitting position and looked at her. "Are you okay?"

In the light from the street lamps coming through the window in pale, silver strands, he saw shining streaks on her face. _Tears,_ he thought. _ She's crying_. "What's going on?"

Instead of answering, she punched him in the chest, hard.

"What the-" he began, and she hit him again, this time in the face and he felt something in his nose beginning to loosen and knew it would soon be bleeding, not hard, but a trickle. "Toril, what is going on!"

"I _hate_ you!" She cried out and she tried to punch him again, but this time he grabbed her wrist. "I hate you _so_ much!" Then, she slammed her hand with the cast into his chest, with all the force she could.

It almost knocked the wind out of him. "The _fuck!_" he said, unable to stop the word from spilling out of him. "Toril, what the hell are you doing?" He wondered if she was in some fugue state, somewhere between sleep and insanity and maybe didn't even realize what she was doing.

Her answer was to try to clobber him with her cast again, but this time he was prepared and grabbed her by her upper arm. Her arms were muscular, but she was still much smaller than him, so his fingers were almost able to wrap around her whole arm. "Stop it!" he said, doing his best to keep a firm grip without causing her pain. "I'm sorry if you hate me, but for fuck's sake,_ stop!"_

She wriggled trying to pull out of his grasp, but he held on as tightly as he dared, wondering what in the world happened to make her like this. _Did she have a bad dream and decide to take it out on me?_ She was kneeling on the bed and she started shifting one knee, moving it on top of him. For a moment he was sure she was going to knee him in the balls as hard as she could, but instead she dropped it to the other side of him, so she was straddling his waist. He was so startled by this, that he let go of her arms. She immediately shifted so her full weight was on top of him. Then she leaned over, putting some of her weight on her good arm and looked down at him.

He saw a million emotions flickering across her face, spilling out of her eyes and he couldn't move. She was pressed into him, and he realized she was moving her hips, only slightly, but enough so...

Enough so...

"What are you _doing?"_ he whispered, his voice horse. Despite his past, he had his triggers. He'd heard jokes before about how easy it was for guys to get an erection, but he wasn't sure if he got them in part, because he was taught. But usually it took a little more persuasion than this.

That's when she leaned down and kissed him. It was not a gentle or romantic, it was hard and bruising. She was smashing his lips into his teeth and he found himself opening his mouth a little wider just to relieve some of the pain and pressure. Her tongue entered his mouth and he thought for a moment, she'd try to ram it down his throat and choke him, but instead she moved it lightly along his, as if caressing it.

As if he was on autopilot he kissed her back, and he realized this was the first time he had really and truly passionately kissed someone of his own free will. The first time he ever kissed someone as Mox. Not Timmy, not Dean, but _Mox._

If he knew this was the only time she would kiss him, or let him kiss her, he might have let it happen longer.

When they drew apart, she started tugging at his shirt, his shorts, trying as best she could to get his clothes off of him with only one good arm. Part of him thought he should stop her, part of him wasn't sure he wanted this.

But part of him _did_ want it, badly.

And that was the moment he got it, got the other side of the life he'd grown up in. He'd known of its existence, seen it in others, but never himself. Never felt a desire so strong that it turned a man into something that felt almost like a monster, to feel this need inside of him that was like some strange pressure that felt both pleasurable and painful. And in his mind, he felt that part of him that would stay celibate forever, crumbling away. He found himself both helping her get his clothes off, and taking hers off, their fingers and hands moving rapidly as if they both needed to be naked right that second.

In the pale light from the windows, noting her skin was still smooth. When he ran his fingers over her back, he felt almost no scars as he felt on his own back. _She was good,_ he told himself. _Or, they wanted to protect her and keep her value up. She wasn't beaten. I helped that to happen. Me, I was the one who told her it was best to just cooperate. _ He had a feeling the few scars he could feel were the results of her new occupation.

"Are you sure?" he whispered when they were both naked and she was raising up on her knees, her good hand wrapped around him, both wanting it and being afraid at the same time.

She didn't use words, she just guided him and sank down on him slowly. "I _still_ hate you," she whispered, "But I love you, too."

It shouldn't have made sense, yet it did. He didn't think either of them could explain it, but it was a truth they both recognized. And he wondered if it was the same for her, this delicious friction and pressure and this desperate need for release.

.

When it was over part of Mox's mind wanted to spin off on a journey of self hatred, but another part told him this wasn't being forced, both of them had wanted it. Hadn't she started it? He hadn't attacked her.

She was lying next to him in the dark, breathing hard, her cast hand resting above her head, her breasts rising and falling with every breath. "It's the first time when you think about it," she said.

"First time?"

"First time I had sex because _I _wanted to," she elaborated.

He wanted to ask her more, but he felt this wasn't the moment to pry. He rolled over on his side, propping himself on one elbow. "Who... did I just..." he hesitated. He knew that people who loved each other called what they had done making love, but he wasn't sure if that was the right way to describe what they had done. They hadn't been gentle, they had been rough. She had punched him and slammed her cast into him before and told him she hated him. But, then again, he didn't think "fuck" was the word to use either. "...have sex with?" he settled on. "Suzie or Toril?"

"Who did _I_ have sex with?" she countered.

"Jon Moxley," he said. "In fact, in my mind, you just took my virginity."

She rolled over so she was facing him, balanced on her good elbow. "Well, I could say the same thing."

"And whose virginity did I just take?" he asked.

She drew in a deep breath. "Alexa," she said softly, "the name you wouldn't let me tell you all those years ago? It's Alexa Bliss."


	6. Chapter 6

By becoming an abuser, someone who has been abused can play the role of the more powerful person in the relationship in an attempt to overcome the powerlessness they felt when they were being abused. Unfortunately, this is not effective, and they may repeatedly dominate others in a futile attempt to get over the weakness they experienced as a victim.

_-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships_

_._

_Chapter Six_

_{o}-{o}-{o}_

_._

_The last house Suzie lived in with Daddy Ken was out in the country, far from the quiet neighborhoods she'd seen out the window as they had driven here. Even better as far as Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean were concerned, there was a very high fence in the backyard, so tall that Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean couldn't see over it unless they stood on the very tips of their toes, and even then, they were seeing through the top part, which was lattice. The high fence pleased Suzie too, because it meant that she was allowed in the backyard, sometimes even on rare occasions, alone. _

_The backyard had a small deck but it was mostly grass and a few large oak trees that had at least half the yard buried in acorns. Squirrels loved the backyard for that reason. Suzie learned that oak trees were messy trees, constantly dropping branches and leaves on the ground. That didn't bother Suzie either, in fact, she started studying those dropped branches carefully._

_Usually the branches dropped were half rotted away, falling apart when she picked them up. But one morning, after a heavy wind and rain storm, she woke up before Daddy Ken did and went downstairs to make coffee. When she went on the deck to drink her first cup, she saw the storm had blown a lot of branches down and she walked in her bare feet, wearing nothing but the long T-shirt she had put on before coming downstairs. Her feet were bare and they weren't sure they liked walking among all of nature's storm litter, that barely covered the layers of acorns, but she didn't care. She began lifting the bigger branches, finding some were the usual rotten ones, but others were not, others were fresh, heavy with healthy wood and sap. One she lifted was thicker around than the upper part of her arm, and longer than most of the other ones. Little branches stuck out from it, and she stripped those off. When all she had was the one long branch, she swung it in the air a few times. The weight of it felt very satisfying to her. _

_Looking at the sun, she could see that it was late enough that Daddy Ken would be waking up any second. _ If he sees me out here, playing with this, he will wonder,_ she thought, looking around the yard. _

_There was a small garden shed in the backyard, long empty of anything but a lawn mower and a rake for tenants to use. Suzie had already checked that out, days earlier. But, the shed sat on a raised platform and that's what mattered to Suzie. She pushed the branch under the shed, out of sight. _

_She was still squatting on the ground, when she heard the door open and Daddy Ken coming out, calling to her. "Suzie, what are you doing?" he asked. "Out there in your bare feet, you're going to either catch your death of cold or cut them to ribbons." _

_She had one twisting, gut wrenching feeling, but she closed her eyes for a moment, and by the time she stood up, she was smiling, looking as if she hadn't a care in the world. "I thought I saw a kitten run under here," she lied smoothly. "A gray kitten. Maybe it was a squirrel instead." She headed back to the deck, back to her own cup of coffee she'd left on the rail._

_"Yeah, I don't think a kitten would find it easy to get in this backyard," Daddy Ken said, coming over to her and putting his arm around her. "And what would you do if there_ was_ a kitten?" _

_She knew what he wanted and moved closer, leaning her head on his stomach/chest area. "I'd ask you if I could keep it," she said. That might be the truth, had there actually been a kitten. _

_"We don't want a kitten," Daddy Ken said, wrapping his arm tighter around her, pulling her into him. "I already have the kitten I want." He leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "You're my little sex kitten, aren't you?" _

_"Mmm, hmmm," she said, the words coming from her throat, her trying to make them sound like a purr. She probably failed at that, but Daddy Ken didn't care. In some ways, she had him twisted around her little finger. Unfortunately, not in every way. "But think how cute it would be to take pictures of me, with the kitten." _

_"Now that's a thought," Daddy Ken said, and she tipped her head back, seeing the razor stubble on his chin. But she knew his lips were curled into a smile. "That I might have enjoyed. Too bad it was a squirrel." He leaned over and kissed her forehead now. "But, I don't need a kitten to take some pictures of you, you know." _

_She forced herself to giggle. Another opposite day in a world of opposite days. "Daddy, you're insatiable." _

_"Yep," He admitted. "What can I say? Daddy loves his little Suzie."_

_"And I love you too, Daddy," she lied. "But can we have breakfast before we have," she paused and dropped a wink, 'fun?' I'm hungry." _

_"Sure we can," Daddy Ken said. "Do you want eggs?" _

_She nodded, not really caring, just wanting to postpone the sex part. And, if she was honest, she was hungry. "You make the best scrambled eggs." _

_"Aw, thank you," Daddy Ken said, taking both coffee cups from the rail and dumping them over the rail, onto the ground. "Maybe, while I'm making eggs, you could kneel on the floor and make your daddy happy." _

_She batted her lashes. "Maybe," she teased. _ You'll be damned lucky if I don't bite it off, _she thought._

_._

_Suzie's urge to rush things along was almost overwhelming, but if this life had taught her anything it was that patience was often necessary to get anything good. Patience and bullshit. She dealt with the bullshit by telling herself that everything she said to Daddy Ken, Uncle Sean or any of the old perverts she fucked was to be taken in the opposite way. If she tried to rush things, she was doomed for failure._

_The former tenants appeared to have left in a hurry, because a lot of little personal things, nothing of value and importance, but things that might have been taken if they'd had a leisurely time to pack were left around. One of these strange things was a ball of thin, mostly white thread, with a strand of red twisted into it. It was left in the kitchen. Later, she would learn it was string for tying turkeys and chicken's legs together when cooking them, but at that time, she only cared that it was there and that Daddy Ken didn't seem worried about it. When she quietly took it from the drawer, put it in her pocket and ran upstairs with it. As she began to examine it, she thought she could see why nobody cared if she took it or not. It was a fairly weak string that she could break with just a good, hard, tug. Still, it was all she had and she was determined to work with it. And she might not have anything stronger, but at least she had a lot of it. _

_She started cutting off huge lengths of this string, three of them, then braiding them together to form one, thicker strand. It took her several days to get this one thicker strand created, but when it was finished, she could tug it hard and it wouldn't break._

_Other folks would have settled for that, but Suzie wasn't other folks. Suzie knew she had one chance at this. If she failed, she would lose the trust of Daddy Ken forever, and possibly sold off to someone who would treat her even worse, or get her killed. So, she made three of those longer, braided strands and then braided them together. When that was finished, she knew it was strong enough to hold the weight of the branch she still had hidden under the shed. The rest of the branches that had fallen from that storm were cleaned up by her, Daddy Ken, and Uncle Sean. Uncle Sean had hauled them off someplace and part of Suzie suspected they might have been afraid of what she would do if she had a long, strong, and stout, stick. All the more reason to be careful._

_In the meantime, she did nothing to throw any suspicion on herself. She was still Little Suzie, the sex crazed little girl who loved her Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean. Who loved making movies with strange men. She took the lead with Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean when she felt it was right, she didn't want to do it too often and have them think might be getting notions that she was in control, so she did it carefully, making sure it looked more like she was just such a little whore that she had to have it, not that she was trying to curry favor with anyone. _

_When she had her thicker cord, more rope-like, rather than string-like, she knew it was time to put part two together, which put her in more danger. The string wasn't strong enough to hold her entire weight, so if she had been caught making that, she might have been able to lie her way out of that, claiming boredom as the culprit. But there was no way she could bring a heavy stick into the house without raising questions. _

_Fear kept her from putting her plans into action, but one morning, when she woke up much earlier than she normally did, she knew it was time to stop being a pussy and start working. Her bedroom overlooked the backyard, and had two windows, one facing the back yard, one facing the side of the yard.. The fence was placed a few feet away from the house, leaving a tiny space that was strewn with gravel. She opened the window facing that small alley and got her "rope." She tossed one end out the window, and watched as it fell to the ground, with plenty of room on the end. Then, she shut the window firmly on the strand to hold it in place. She slipped downstairs in her long t-shirt nightgown. _

_Usually if Suzie woke up before Daddy Ken, she would make coffee, but this morning she was afraid the sound of the coffee maker or the smell of fresh coffee would wake him, so instead she slipped out the back door and ran to the shed. Daddy Ken's bedroom looked over the front and side of the house, so she knew he wouldn't see her out the window, but she also knew she shouldn't dawdle. _

_She pulled the stick out from under the shed, thrilled to see that her memory had remained sharp, and the stick felt as strong and heavy as she remembered. She ran to the tiny side alley and quickly, but firmly, tied the string around the stick. Then, she raced around to the backyard and slipped into the kitchen and this time she did start the coffee. She longed to run upstairs and pull the stick into the house, but she knew that would be pushing her luck. Instead she let the coffee drip, trying her best to look casual. _

_She heard the sounds of Daddy Ken waking up and moving around upstairs and she got out two coffee mugs and then went and got the creamer from the refrigerator and sugar from the cupboard. She set up the little table to look like it was all ready for the two of them to have coffee. She could hear him on the stairs and she sat down, trying to look relaxed, like she had just woken up, but then she looked down at her feet._

_Her walk across the back yard had gotten them dirty, and that was the type of thing Daddy Ken would notice, so she jumped to her feet and ran into the downstairs powder room. She had just shut the door, when she heard Daddy Ken walking into the kitchen going, "Suzie, honey, where are you?" _

_"I'm peeing!" she called out. She filled a glass with water from the tap, and started spilling it into the toilet, in case Daddy Ken came over to the door to listen. She hoped it sounded like she was peeing. When the glass was empty, she washed her feet in the sink, first one, then the other, straining to get them up that high, but able to just manage it. When her feet were clean enough so they wouldn't stain the hand towel, she dried her feet with it. She glanced in the mirror. Her hair was a bit of a mess, but it could pass for bed head. She took a deep breath and forced her eyes into a half closed look, as if she was having trouble waking up, then left the powder room and went into the kitchen._

_When she got there, Daddy Ken was looking at the floor, frowning. She looked in the same direction, noticing a leaf on the floor._ Oh shit! _ Forcing herself to smile, she ran over and threw her arms around his waist. "Good morning, Daddy Ken." _

_"Morning, baby girl," Daddy Ken said, but he was still frowning. "How did a leaf get on the floor?" _

_It took everything she had and then some, but she shrugged. "I opened the door and went out on the deck for a moment, before I made coffee. It must have blown in and I didn't see it." _

_The weather was chilly and had the feel of rain coming any second outside, not exactly deck weather. "Why did you go out on the deck?" he asked. _

_His voice was casual, but Suzie didn't let that assure her. _You're acting for your life right now_. "I wanted to see how cold it was," she said fluttering her lashes. "I thought if it was warm enough, maybe you and I could... sunbathe together?" She forced herself to give her best "I'm-a-naughty-girl" look. "You know, sunbathe so we _don't_ get any tan lines?" _

_He frowned, but he didn't look too upset. "It's getting too close to winter, my little baby girl. We won't be able to sunbathe naked for awhile." _

_"I know," she said, pretending to look greatly put out by this. "We'll have to come up with some other games then." _

_Daddy Ken smiled and even though she still sensed a bit of the predator in his smile, it was about the best she ever got from him. "And you are the best at coming up with games, aren't you?" _

_"I sure am," She said, giggling. "Is Uncle Sean coming over today?" _

_"I'm sure he will, why do you ask?" _

_"Because I want to come up with a game the three of us can play," she said. _

_Daddy Ken looked pleased. "I think we can arrange that. Does my baby girl need it?" _

_"Badly Daddy," she said, head tipped down so she was forced to look at him out of the upper corners of her eyes. "But first, let's have some coffee and maybe some breakfast?" _

_._

_While Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean didn't spend much time in the backyard, and as far as Suzie knew, never looked down the alley between the side of the house and the fence, she still felt as if time was of the essence. Patience was all fine and good, but that homemade rope, coming out of her window and tied to that big tree limb was something that could not be explained away. She had to get it out of the alley and into her room as fast as possible. _

_She did the only thing she felt she could do, and that was to play this game she had been playing for all these years with an even fiercer intensity, letting Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean think she was some sort of animal in heat. She let them try anything they might want on her and pretended it was the best time she ever had. She screamed her way through dozens of fake orgasms and even a few real ones, because stimulation was stimulation after all. She acted as if everything they wanted was something wonderful, something she had been wanting to do with them forever, even if it had only been a couple days since the last time. Every time one of them tried to wander off, she insisted they stay and did what she could to make sure they believed she really did want them to stay. _

_She finally wore them out. She had led them both to Daddy Ken's room and the three of them had "played" in Daddy Ken's big bed. And now that the two of them were sleeping soundly, she slipped from the room and went to her room and shut the door, locking it behind her. This was the first time she'd ever been able to have a lock on her door, normally Daddy Ken would disable them. The lock though, was pretty weak, a driver's license or credit card would easily be able to open it. But it was better than nothing. Before she could talk herself out of this, she grabbed the end of the "rope" and opened the window. She pulled on the rope, bringing up the stick, her heart pounding. When she could hear it scraping on the side of the house she nearly had a heart attack, and moved the hand with the string out a little further, hauling it up away from the side of the house. She finally got it up, and pulled it into the room. Holding it under one arm, she shut the window carefully with the other. Then she ran over to the other side of the room where the closet was. She dragged a chair over, and got up on it, and put the stick on the top shelf of the closet, way in the back. It was dark enough that you'd have to know it was up there and even then, you probably wouldn't be able to see it. Not that Daddy Ken went into her closet much. He was more likely to suggest outfits and tell her to put them on. And her expensive movie costumes were in the large walk in closet in his room, because he worried that she might play dress up and ruin them. _

_When she had put the chair back, she unlocked her bedroom door and went to the bathroom. Quickly, she cleaned herself up from the day's activities, grateful to get the stench of the two men off of her. Then, she went back to her room, got a clean, t-shirt/nightshirt out of the dresser and put it on. _

_Laying down, she had an odd sort-of comfort inside of her, something she wasn't familiar with. But every time she thought about that big, heavy, stout, stick at the top of her closet, she found she was smiling, something she didn't often do of her own free will._

Very soon Daddy Ken_, she thought, _Opposite day is going to end and you and Uncle Sean are going to know exactly what I think of you and what you've been doing with me_. _


	7. Chapter 7

_Strange though it may seem, people who were abused may counteract the feelings of inadequacy by believing that they are better than others. They may have a hard time respecting other people as equals. They feel in a one-up position to others, making it hard to enter a mutually loving, respectful relationship. They may even feel one-down to some people, and one-up to others, engaging in abusive relationships at the same time they are being abused by others._

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

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Chapter Seven

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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"I didn't ask you to stay with me, trying to get you to have sex with me," Mox said, keeping his gaze on the road.

From the passenger seat, Alexa/Toril, Mox still wasn't sure _what_ she preferred to be called, nodded. "I know," she said softly.

They were in Seth's car, heading up to SPWA. Originally, Seth was going to go with them, but he'd texted that morning that he was spending the day with his date from the night before, and asked for a pass, but told him he could use the car to get there. Mox didn't really want to leave Toril/Alexa alone, so he'd asked her if she wanted to go with him. She had acted startled as if the last thing she ever thought she would do in her life, was to be asked to meet someone's parents, but she agreed. Since it was a long drive for Sunday dinner, they left right after breakfast. Mox had debated briefly if he should call Jen and Sefa first, but decided that since they were already prepared to feed Seth, it wouldn't make much difference.

The first half hour of the trip, they were both silent. Mox felt awkward. _What do you say to a girl you had mutually consensual sex with the night before? Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. _

Another half mile rolled by in awkward silence, at least it was awkward for Mox, he wasn't sure if it felt the same for his companion. Then, to break the silence as much as he wanted to know the answer, he asked her, "What do you want to be called? Alexa or Toril?"

"I really don't care much, as long as you don't call me Suzie," she said, shrugging. "Alexa is good, I guess. Toril is the name I fight under." She flexed her fingers on the arm with the cast, something she seemed to do frequently. He had asked her at breakfast and she told him it was to keep her fingers from stiffening up due to lack of use.

"Okay than Alexa it is," Mox said.

Another stretch of silence. Mox was starting to feel that breaking the silence was his job, so he pondered what he could ask her that would lead into a conversation that lasted more than a few sentences. "Mom's a really good cook," he said. "You'll eat_ really_ good today." _Oh yeah, that's going to lead into a discussion, You should ask a question, not make a statement._

"Sounds great to me," Alexa said.

She was wearing jeans that were a little too big for her and a plain, grey t-shirt that seemed a little too small. Mox wondered if she'd been gaining weight, most likely muscle from the fighting she was doing, or had lost weight because money was tight and food scarce. He thought about asking her, but thought that might be a little too personal.

_You're failing at this,_ he told himself. Out of desperation, he glanced over at her. "So, how about those Bengals?"

It worked, because she laughed. "I'm more of a Browns fan myself."

He thought he'd hit another conversational dead end, but then he realized she'd mentioned being a fan of another Ohio team. "Wait, are you really a Browns fan?"

"Yes," she said, laughing again. "Are you going to kick me out of the car now? Refuse to let me back in the car until I swear an oath to those looser Bengals?"

"No, of course not," he said, although he knew she was joking. "I'm just curious now... are you from Ohio?"

"Yeah," she said. "I was... taken in Columbus."

"I was taken in Cincinnati," he said.

"Well, now I know what state I don't want to raise a family in," she said, then she bit her lip and looked so sad for a moment, Mox wondered if she was going to cry. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said softly. Then a few minutes later, she decided to break the silence. "I'm assuming you've been tested?"

He knew what she was talking about, STD's. He had been tested, more than once in the beginning, in case something was brewing from before and took awhile to rear its ugly head. He was one of the lucky ones. "Yeah," he said. "I'm clean." He hated to ask the obvious, but he knew he should. "You?"

"Not so lucky," she admitted. "I had Chlamydia. I'm clean now though."

"Isn't that one of the fairly easy ones to treat?" he asked, having a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"It is if you catch it fast," she agreed. "The problem is when it goes untreated, it leads to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. Which can lead to a lot of bad side effects."

He knew some of those bad effects from working with the centers for missing and sexually abused children. When a child was rescued from sexual abuse, one of the first things they did was get them tested. Sometimes it was too late. "Did that happen to you?" he asked.

She nodded and looked away from him, out the passenger window. "Yes," she said, her voice so soft he could barely hear her.

"I'm so sorry to hear that," he said, understanding now why she had gotten so upset after she mentioned "raising a family."

It was likely she was infertile now.

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"I hope you don't mind," Mox explained as he walked into the kitchen with Alexa, "Seth was busy today, so I brought along another friend of mine."

Jen drew him into a tight embrace, as she always seemed to do when he came home, regardless of who was with him. "It's good to see you, Mox. And of course we don't mind." When they parted, she looked from Mox to Alexa then back to Mox.

The meaning was obvious. Sefa, Lance, and Roman were in the kitchen too, so Mox decided to just do one sweeping introduction. "Mom, Dad, Roman, and Lance? This is-" He wasn't sure how she wanted to be introduced.

Alexa smiled "Alexa," she said. "Alexa Waters, but please, just call me Alexa."

"Alexa," he repeated. "And Alexa, this is my mother, Jen Reigns, my father Sefa Reigns, my brother Roman and my other brother, Lance. I have another brother too, Marc, but he isn't here yet. I'm sure he and his wife and kids will be joining us soon."

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. And Mrs. Reigns. And nice to meet you too, Roman and Lance."

"Oh please, call me Jen," Jen insisted. And of course Sefa insisted she could call him Sefa. Then, like with every first meeting, everyone inquired if everyone else was doing well. When it was assured that all parties were indeed, fine, Marc, Noella, and their two year old twins, a boy and a girl named Laki and Arihi came into the kitchen, and it all started over again.

When things were calmed down, except for the twins, who seemed to feed on excitement and were running all over the kitchen, Mox noticed Sefa was looking at Alexa, brow furrowed. "Is everything okay, Dad?"

His father shook his head as if pulling himself back to reality and nodded to Mox. "Everything is great. He looked at Mox's face and frowned. "Is your nose okay?"

It was swollen from Alexa hitting him with her cast the night before, but it wasn't broken, and he barely noticed it. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. "I just got hit a little too hard in practice." He didn't know why he felt he had to elaborate, his father would have assumed it was done while he was wrestling.

Roman's cell phone rang and he looked to see who was calling and smiled. "Do I have time to take this?" he asked Jen.

"Of course," Jen said. "We've got about half an hour until dinner."

Roman nodded and answered his phone. By the smile on his face, Mox knew it was May who was calling. This was confirmed when Roman answered the phone with, "Hey there, Baby Girl," as he headed out to the back mudroom, for some privacy.

As he was walking away, amidst cries of, "Say hello to her for me!" coming from various family members, Mox saw Alexa staring daggers at Roman, nostrils flared. _The hell?_ he Roman walked out of the kitchen, closing the door behind him. Mox looked back at Alexa, who had stopped glaring but still didn't look very happy.

.

Lance and Roman were the last two to sit at the table, Lance having been the one to tell Roman to get off the phone. Roman was still talking on the phone when he came in, but he was saying goodbye. "Yes, I'll tell everyone," he was saying, "Talk to you later, Baby girl."

He shut down his phone, following one of the Family Rules, no cell phones at the table, especially Sunday dinner. Roman turned off his phone and put it in his pocket sitting down. "May sends her love," he told the family.

"That was sweet of her," Jen said smiling.

Mox could feel Alexa stiffening beside him, and when he took a side glance at her, he saw her nostrils were again flared. _What is pissing her off?_

Marc gave the prayer for dinner, and Mox looked towards Alexa again. She had her head down, eyes closed. He wasn't sure what her beliefs were, but she seemed willing to show respect for the tradition. Lance was quiet, but had his eyes open. When he saw Mox was looking at him, he grinned. They were the only two not joining in with the prayer, even Laki and Arihi had their eyes shut in their matching high chairs.

After the prayer was over, platters started being handed around. Jen had made a rib roast, somewhat of a rarity. A lot of times she made chicken or turkey. Turkey was one of Roman's favorite foods and had the extra advantage of being able to easily be sliced into sandwiches, then turned into turkey salad, and finally, the carcass used to make turkey soup. But Mox was fine with seeing some red meat on the table and hoped Mom sent him home with leftovers.

"So, is May still with PGWA?" Jen asked Roman as she passed him a bowl of vegetables.

"Yeah," Roman said. "But she's bouncing between them and Shine."

Alexa spoke up then. "So, is May your girlfriend?" She fixed her gaze on Roman.

"Sort of," Roman said, his brows furrowed at the attention he was getting. "We both have odd schedules, but when we can, we meet up and go out together."

"Uh-huh," Alexa said. "PGWA, and Shine, those are women's wrestling promotions, right?" She didn't even give Roman a chance to answer. "So, I would assume May is over eighteen?"

"Yeah," Roman said, looking wary. "She's over twenty one, actually."

Everyone but the twins focused their attention on Alexa and Roman, but Alexa barely seemed to notice. "Good. Because when you answered the phone, I first assumed you were talking to a child."

"Why did you think that?" Roman asked, looking honestly shocked.

"Hey there, Baby Girl," Alexa did a mocking imitation of Roman. "If she's a woman, why do you call her a baby? It sounds pretty degrading to me."

"It's not degrading," Roman said, his whole body stiffening in defense. "It's affectionate."

"Yeah," Alexa said and snorted. "Because women just love to be referred to as Baby Girls. You know, a smaller, weaker, creature, needing protection from a big, strong, man."

_Oh shit,_ Mox thought. He never thought much about Roman's use of the term "Baby Girl." He pretty much used it on almost every girl he'd dated, and they never seemed to mind, in fact, they usually looked quite pleased that they had become special enough to Roman to merit such a term of endearment. But, thinking of Alexa's background, it would be easy to think her captors might have called her that. And it wouldn't just have been a term of endearment, it would be a way to remind her that she _was_ a baby girl, a pretty little toy to be used as needed and discarded when she was no longer useful. He knew he should try to head this off before it became worse, but he felt as if he were frozen to the chair.

"I don't think Roman means it that way at all," Sefa said, using his smooth, "Nathan Reigns, the more talkative half of the Samoan Pride tag team," voice. "But you do bring up some interesting points, and maybe you and Roman can discuss it further some day. But right now, I think all of us would just as soon concentrate on this wonderful dinner my wife worked so hard to make."

Alexa looked down, and Mox could see a blush spreading up her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice almost a whisper.

_The apology probably comes from the same source_, Mox thought. B_aby Girl upset her, but Sefa is bringing out the subservient side she developed when she was in captivity._

"Don't worry about it," Sefa said, his voice still honey smooth. "You bring up some good points, it's just this isn't the right time to discuss it." And before anything else could be said, he looked at the twins. "Are you enjoying dinner?" he almost cooed, which sounded nothing like his normal tone. Iosefa Reigns did not coo.

"Yes!" they cried in unison. Arihi showed off a mouthful of mashed potatoes she'd been working on. Everyone laughed, a laugh that had a bit of nervousness behind it, but it served its purpose of easing the tension.

The rest of the dinner went fairly well. Jen and Noella tried to draw Alexa into the conversation, but she was still very quiet, giving short answers that really didn't invite further questioning. Roman went out of his way to avoid talking to her, and Mox knew it wasn't because he was angry, Roman didn't get angry like that very often. It was more that he'd been taken to task for something he'd never seen as being wrong. Lance ignored her as well.

When dinner was over, and clean up began, Sefa looked at Mox. "We replaced the ring in the arena. It's up to the official WWE size. Let me show it to you."

From the tone, Mox knew immediately that this was not a request, and Alexa was not invited. He looked over at her, thinking it might be considered rude to abandon her. She gave a slight nod as Jen put her arm around her. "Don't worry, Jon," Jen said warmly. "We'll take good care of her, you go off with your Dad, he's been wanting to show you that ring since it was finished."

Alexa opened her mouth, and Mox had the feeling it was to tell Jen she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but she seemed to catch herself because she closed her mouth, drew in a deep breath and said. "You go with your dad, I'll be fine," she said.

"Can I tag along?" Lance asked.

"No," Sefa said, his voice firm. "You've already seen the new ring. You can help in the kitchen here. Maybe you can watch the twins so everyone else can get the kitchen cleaned up."

"Nuts," Lance said, but he was grinning.

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They talked about trivial things on the way to the SPWA arena, a large outbuilding where the Saturday night shows were held. Sefa asking him about training and who Mox might have met that week. Various WWE superstars did wander in and out of the FCW training area, some just to say hello, some to help with training. Mox remembered the name of a couple Hall of Famers that had dropped by, and passed on hello messages from them.

Once they were inside the arena, Sefa dropped all pretenses of small talk. "How did you find Alexa?" he asked.

Mox shrugged. "I went to a club with Sami Callahan and I met her there." It was the truth, he just wasn't mentioning it was a club for fighting.

"I know who she is," Sefa said. They had gone into the main area of the arena and were walking to the ring, which did look a lot bigger than the old one.

"You do?"

Sefa nodded. "She's older now, but I'm good with faces. That's Little Suzie, isn't it?"

"Please don't call her that," Mox said, feeling his heart speed up. Of course Sefa knew who she was, Sefa had watched one of the "movies" he'd made with her. No one else in the family had, which Mox was grateful for.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Sefa asked, scorn dripping from his voice. "I might recognize her, but I'm not going to tell her that. And I'm not going to call her by her captive name either. So, do you two have something going?"

_That __is a very good question._ Considering last night, the fact that he brought her to meet his parents the next day could easily be seen as being in a relationship, but in their case, it was a whole other matter. They had been intimate together way before they should have been, especially her. And then last night.

"She's between places right now," Mox said, "she was renting a place week to week, but her job, it's necessary to have two hands. I couldn't leave her on the streets, so I said she could stay with Seth and I until she gets the cast off."

"How does Seth feel about that?"

"Uh, I haven't told him, yet." Mox admitted. "But she's using my room, I'm going to use the futon in the living room for now." He had worried about what Seth would think, but had also taken the attitude that he'd cross that bridge when he came to it. He certainly wasn't going to kick her to the curb.

"Let's hope he's understanding," Sefa said. They had both gotten to and climbed into the new ring and Mox was walking around, testing the spring in it. "I'm glad she made it out of that life. Did she tell you how?"

Mox shook his head. "I didn't push her to tell me either. It's, well... if it's something she wants me to know, she'll tell me."

Sefa nodded. "The important thing is that she got out. But, I have to say, I'm a little worried."

"About what?"

"I could see where it might be easy for the two of you to get involved, you know? I mean, you've never had a girlfriend and I'll bet she's never had a boyfriend. Still the two of you have probably had more sex than your average adult, and started far younger. I'm just worried that the two of you might..." his voice trailed off for a moment, then he continued, "Might go too far, too fast."

"We can't go any further than we already have," Mox reminded him. _Especially after last night_.

"Yeah, but there is sex and there is making love," Sefa said.

"I know."

"You know it in theory, but not in practice," Sefa disagreed. "Neither of you understand what sex means when you do it with someone you love. I-I'm afraid that if the two of you try to have a relationship, it won't be very healthy."

Mox knew that Sefa wasn't trying to upset him, but he was anyway. All he had wanted since he got away from Denis and Simon was to stop being the victim. He'd done everything he could, come out in the open about it, gone to talk therapists about it, done all the things everyone seemed to think he should do. Yet, he couldn't escape it, no matter what he did, he'd always be the former Little Timmy. Former porn star, former child sex toy. "I'm an adult, Dad," Mox said. "Did you question who Marc dated before he got married? Do you question the relationship Roman and May have? How about Lance, Dad? Do you ask him if he's having sex with girls at ESU?" His voice was rising with each sentence.

"Calm down," Sefa said, raising his hands in a "Stop" gesture. "Mox, I'm not the enemy, I'm your father and I love you. And you're right, you are an adult and you're welcome to take my advice and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. But, just understand, I'm worried. I don't want to see either of you getting hurt, you or Alexa."

Mox sighed, feeling the anger inside of him disburse, which was a lot better than feeling it form like a hard ball inside of him. "We'll be careful," he said. "Dad, right now we're just friends." He crossed his toes in his sneakers unaware he was even doing it. "But, no matter what happens, neither of us wants to hurt the other. We've both been through way too much of that."

Sefa walked over and put his arms around Mox, drawing him into a hug, which Mox returned. It was hard for him to be upset with Sefa or Jen, because even if he disliked what they were telling him, he knew it always came from a place of love for him. "I know, son," Sefa said, when they drew apart, his voice low. "It's just that sometimes the easiest people to hurt are the people we love. And most of the time we don't even mean it."

.

"Let me guess," Alexa said, as they were headed home, a bag full of neatly packed leftovers in the back seat. "Your father hates me as much as your brothers do."

"No," Mox said, shaking his head. "They don't hate you. Roman is startled because nobody has ever confronted him about calling women 'baby girl, it's one of his things. And Lance ignored you because that's what Roman did and Lance is devoted to Roman."

"Yeah, like_ that_ isn't a little weird," Alexa said, wiping her nose with the sleeve of her shirt.

"No, it isn't," Mox said, glancing over at her. It was dark outside and dark in the car, but he wondered if she was crying. "Look, this isn't public knowledge, but I don't think it matters that much if I tell you. Lance had leukemia when he was a kid, the family almost lost him. But, after his final set of treatments, when they found no evidence of his cancer, Roman gave him a bone marrow transplant, because he was told that was the best way to keep him in remission. Roman was the only one who had the right marrow to donate, So, yeah, they _are_ close."

"Okay, I get it," Alexa admitted. "But I know your dad took you out so you could discuss me." She sniffled this time. "I'm not that stupid."

"There are some napkins and stuff in the glove compartment," Mox said. "Just in case the dust is bad. I know Seth has been talking about changing the cabin filter."

She stared at him, but opened the glove compartment. Seth might be a lover of fine food, but the two of them had settled for a lot of bad food at the beginning, so there was a huge assortment of napkins from fast food places. She took out a few and began wiping her nose and eyes.

Mox had been wondering what he should tell her, and he decided on the truth. "Dad knows who you are.. I mean who you were, I mean, he knows you were Little Suzie and that we made movies together."

"What?" Alexa's arm, her one without the cast, froze half way between her lap and her face, a napkin clutched in her fingers. "He _knows?_ What, did he get copies of the movies and watch them? Did he perve on them or something?" She seemed to unfreeze and brought the napkins to her face and wiped her eyes with them.

"No," Mox said, feeling like he was trying to dig in quicksand. "Jesh, Alexa, my dad didn't perve on those movies. But he did watch them. He watched jury safe copies where all the body parts that are considered to be 'indecent' are blurred out. But they do show faces and yours and mine were on them."

"If he wasn't using them to get a thrill, then why the hell did he watch them?" Alexa asked, voice trembling just a little.

"He had to see them for himself," Mox said, although sometimes he wondered himself why Sefa had felt that need. "He wanted to make sure if accusations came forth, that he'd know exactly what they were talking about."

"Oh god," Alexa said, and he heard the tears in her voice. "Your dad watched me getting _fucked_ by you when I was just a kid. What does he think of me now?"

"My dad's first reaction to the movie was to ask me if I raped you," Mox said. "Not the other way around."

"What did you tell him?"

Mox shrugged. "The truth," he said. "That while you were too young to give consent, I explained exactly what your alternatives were and you did allow me to be, uh, the one."

"I thought you'd be the_ only _one until the next night," she said.

He knew what night she meant, the night that Dennis and Simon and the two men who had kidnapped Alexa and turned her into Suzie came down and took her upstairs with them. She hadn't had to tell "Timmy" what happened, and when they brought her back down to the basement, she'd thrown herself into his arms and cried. Mox still felt the horror of that. Timmy had pushed this innocent little girl too far, and then those four men had completely broken her. Timmy felt like part of him died right along with part of her. "Alexa," he said, swallowing, "I will never forgive myself for that. I just let them take you. I didn't even protest."

He felt her gaze on him, even though he never stopped looking at the road. "What could you have done?" she asked. "We were both too young and too weak to fight back. We were outnumbered too."

"I know," Mox admitted, "But I can't stop feeling like I let you down."

"You did," she admitted. "But long ago, I realized you were helpless and I stopped blaming you."

"I wish I could have done something."

"You did," she said, "You did everything you could to make what happened between you and me at least, not so bad." She was staring out the front window too, refusing to look at him, and he could see out of the corner of his eye that she was still wiping her eyes occasionally with the fast food napkins. "I have to be honest, the parts with you, they felt sorta good."

"And let me guess," Mox said. "That's part of the reason why you said you hated me last night."

"Yeah," she said.

The rest of the drive home, they both were silent.


	8. Chapter 8

_They [victims of abuse] believe they are attracted to or feeling love for their abuser, sometimes even thinking they have a special connection to the abuser, as it taps into feelings of intimacy associated with the abuse, that were imprinted at a very early ago. So when they are later abused in an intimate relationship, they perceive the familiar feelings of shame and anger as love and passion._

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

_._

**Chapter Eight**

_._

{o}-{o}-{o}

_._

_Suzie was eager to get the final part of her plans over with, but scared too. This was the biggie, this was do or die and all the other cliches that meant she only had one chance. She was trying to be patient, but this wasn't easy. Even worse, one night Daddy Ken asked her if something was wrong._

_"What do you mean?" She said, automatically giving him one of her brightest smiles, along with a couple of bats of her lashes. _

_"You've just seemed a little skittish lately," Daddy Ken said. _

_She couldn't instantly make up an excuse to explain, so she shrugged. "I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that I was acting any different." A flash of inspiration hit her and she added, "Maybe it's because the weather has been bad lately, and I can't go out and play in the back yard. Maybe we can go somewhere, Daddy? I'll be _very_ good."_

_Daddy Ken frowned, but he didn't say, "No." Instead he said, "Let me think about it." She wasn't nearly the prisoner some other kids in this situation were, like Timmy for example, but that didn't mean she got out a lot either. _

_But, when Saturday came around, he told her they could go to the zoo. She didn't really like the zoo very much, she always felt sorry for those poor animals being in cages just so people could gape at them. She could relate to them. Maybe hundreds and thousands of people didn't gape at her, but she still felt like she was in a cage. Still, it was much better than staying home all day as she had been doing, so she tried her best to act like Daddy Ken was just a daddy to her, not her steady rapist and captor. She would have preferred going to the movies, where she could focus on the story, rather than trying to be perfect. _

_Still, the outing did help, not only to take away some of the nervous energy she was showing to Daddy Ken, but also to tell her that sometimes too much patience wasn't good either. Patience wasn't limitless, and she had to get working on her plan, before the jitters took over and really alerted Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean that something was up._

_As well as waiting for the perfect time, she decided she would try to see if she could create the perfect time as well. Could she distract Daddy Ken? And if so, how? _

_She was thinking about it one afternoon, when she was dusting. Most kids didn't like to do household chores, but Suzie never minded. It was better than doing nothing, waiting to be "needed." Daddy Ken liked a clean house, which helped too. He would be kinder to her if she did housework._

_She was using an old fashioned feather duster and while using it, it brushed against her arm, making the hairs on her arms raise, as if in alarm, but it didn't feel like alarm, it actually felt kind of nice. She did it a few more times on her arm. She didn't like the dust that was falling out on her arm, but the feeling of the feathers dancing along her skin was nice._

_That night she asked Daddy Ken for a new feather duster. He didn't question it, he just bought her one. And that same night, when the two of them were 'Playing" she asked him to shut his eyes for a moment._

_"Why?" he asked, looking puzzled. He was lying on his back, letting her do all of the work. _

_"Because I want to try something," she said. "It'll feel good, I promise." _

_"If it's that important," he said. _

_Knowing he would only keep his eyes closed for a few seconds, she opened the drawer of her nightstand and pulled out the feather duster. "Keep them closed, Daddy!" she insisted. Then, she used the feather duster on him, trying to keep her hand light, so just the tips of the soft feathers were stroking him. "How does this feel, Daddy?"_

_He groaned and opened his eyes. "Suzie, you're using the duster on me?" _

_She paused and giggled._ You should be lucky it's not a razor blade. _ "It's the new one, I haven't used it to dust," she said. "Do you like it, Daddy? Does it feel good?" She resumed using it, noting he was responding more eagerly than normal._

_"What do you think?" he asked, the words distorted by a groan, but Suzie got the point. _

_She giggled again, doing her best to look like this was just good old fashioned "fun" as defined by Daddy Ken. "I like this game," she said. " Can we play this game again?" _

_"As long as you make sure to finish Daddy off when you're done," Daddy Ken said, gasping. _

_"Of course I will!" Suzie bent over him, to do what he wanted with her mouth. _Chomp, Chomp, bite, bite, gonna make you bleed tonight.

_There were no opposite days in her own inner dialog. Every sentence she said in her mind was the truth._

_._

_After that, she found herself looking all over the house for any interesting textures to use in their "play." A cotton ball, a small, but very furry stuffed animal she had been given as some meaningless gift. A vibrating toothbrush, the bristles too worn for its intended purpose, but the one shot battery still hummed along, textured rubber gloves, normally for washing dishes. She discovered that baby oil made some of these things work even better. _

_She knew she was really onto something when Daddy Ken went out one day and came back with a whole bunch of different things to try. Longer feathers, small fuzzy pom-poms, a hairbrush with those round beads on the end, a bag full of interesting textures. When she opened the bag, she squealed as if someone had given her the cutest pony in the world. "Oh, Daddy, these are going to be_ so_ much fun! Thank you!" _

_Suzie wasn't sure if this fell under the category of tickle fetish, she'd done a couple of movies featuring that particular thing, one when her partner wanted to be tickled, one where her partner wanted to tickle her. But it was close. _A texture fetish?_ she pondered. She would touch Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean with various objects. Most of the time she would just touch them, and make various remarks like, "Ooh, do you like this? Does this feel good?" trying to sound as if she was getting just as much out of it as they were. But occasionally, she would suggest that they close their eyes and guess what she was using. Some things were easy, like ice cubes. Some were more difficult, like a fuzzy, craft pom-pom vs. a cotton ball. Uncle Sean would rarely shut his eyes to play, but Daddy Ken seemed to enjoy it. _

_She had her plan, she just needed the right time to execute it. She also realized that she couldn't plan the right time, she didn't have that much power, she had to wait for it to present itself. But she had to recognize when opportunity did come along, and know to act on it._

_._

_"So, when is Uncle Sean coming over?" Suzie asked one morning about a month after she and Daddy Ken had gone to the zoo. They were sitting at the table eating breakfast, and she was running her toes up and down his bare leg. It was winter and outside it was cold, but Daddy Ken kept the house warm enough so he could walk around in his boxers and she didn't need slippers. _

_Daddy Ken looked at the clock over the stove. "He's stopping by here right after work, so it will be at least an hour or so." Uncle Sean always tried to get some type of job, at least part time, and lately, he'd been working as a night watchman for some local tech company. "Why do you ask, my precious Baby Girl?" _

"_No reason," she said, still rubbing her toes up and down his shin, "I just thought we might play some games, the three of us." It had been one of those rare weeks when the three of them hadn't had much time to "play games," so Suzie knew Daddy Ken would be eager and she was right. _

_"That sounds good, Baby Whore," he said, grinning. "You really _need _it, don't you?" _

_"I sure do," Suzie said, beaming over her coffee cup. "It's been way too long." _God, are you really that stupid? Do you really think I want this? That I like this? How delusional, you dumb fucker_. _

_"Well, how about we start playing games and when Uncle Sean comes over, he can join us?" Daddy Ken suggested, which Suzie knew he would._

_"Oh, that sounds fun!" she said, as if being offered a rare treat, instead of something they had done thousands of times before, hating every time. "Hurry up and finish your coffee, I can't wait to get started." _

_._

_The time off really had made Daddy Ken very eager, because he suggested they start playing right in the kitchen before the dishes were washed. _No,_ Suzie thought. _ I don't want that. _"Daddy Ken, I wanna play the guessing game," she said with just the right pout in her voice. "And all the stuff is in my bedroom." She had managed to make it so the game of "Guess what I'm touching you with" was always played in her room, so the things she used wouldn't end up all over the house. _

_"I don't know if I can wait," Daddy Ken said, rubbing the front of his boxer shorts and making a low, moaning noise. "Little girl, I want you so badly it hurts." _

_"I want you too, Daddy," she said, trying desperately to think of how to handle this. "How about we do this... you can take me, right here first. I can wash the dishes and you can pretend you broke into the house and found me, such a naughty little girl, washing dishes." She was taking a risk. Daddy Ken was getting older and sometimes he was only good for one shot, and she needed him for more than that. But she had to take the chance. _

_So they played the game and it was just like some movies Suzie had done before. Suzie was the good little girl, washing the dirty dishes, Suzie was also a naughty girl wearing nothing but a nightgown. Daddy Ken was the neighborhood pedophile pervert who had broken in and sneaked up behind her. As he snaked his hand under her T-shirt nightgown, his fingers stroking her, she gasped and made some obvious fake protests. "Oh, please Mister," She cried out as he worked on her. "Please don't do this. You're making me feel all warm and tingly and that's wrong!" _If only they were real protests and they stopped him.

_It was so cliche and so done to death in Suzie's mind, that she was amazed it still had the power to get Daddy Ken so excited. But it did and he went at her, while she gripped onto the sink to hold herself up. _You know what would be perfect? _she thought,_ If you were to suffer a heart attack right now and die just before you had a chance to finish up.

_That didn't happen, of course. Suzie had figured a long time ago that luck was never going to be on her side and if she was going to get anything in life, she had to depend on herself, not luck. But at least she wasn't having bad luck today, because after Daddy Ken had finished by the sink, he still wanted to play. So, they went upstairs to her room, her running to get there, bringing up a glass of ice cubes trying to look eager as possible. _

_"I love it when you want it as much as I do," Daddy Ken said, as she jumped on her bed, making sure her nightgown rose above her waist to give Daddy Ken a look, to keep him going. _

_"And I love that you want me so often," Suzie lied, then laid it on thicker. "I love that I have a Daddy who wants to play games with me, as much as I want to play games with him. Having a regular Dad who didn't wanna play games would be so boring." _You are the dumbest person in the world.

_"God, we were lucky when we took you," Daddy Ken half said, half groaned._

_"And I was so lucky when you took me," Suzie said, and half expected her nose to grow with the lie. That one was hard to even justify with the opposite day approach. "Lay down, Daddy, I wanna play the guessing game and I want to make it _extra_ special." _

_"Well, I know one thing you're going to use is ice," Daddy Ken said, nodding to the glass she'd put on the nightstand. _

_"I have lots of things besides ice," Suzie said, and batted her lashes. "Can we try something new? Pretty please?" _

_"What?" _

_She had to sell this one the most. "Can I blindfold you?" She opened her nightstand drawer and pulled out a wide, blue satin ribbon. Usually it was used for her hair when she was making a movie, most often when she had to play Alice in Wonderland, or as one movie she made called it, Alice in Wonderlust. But it was a wide ribbon, silky and smooth, and looked non threatening. "I mean, I won't tie up your hands," she said, although she would have loved to have done that. "So, you can take it off if it gets too much. But I thought it would make the game twice as exciting if it was a little harder to see what I was using. I'll do it with you, and you do it with me. Whoever gets the most guesses right, gets to tie up the other and do whatever they want with them." She would love it if the last part was true, that if she won this game, she could tie him up, but she knew he would never go for that. The closest Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean came to being tied up was with more ribbons that were tied so loosely that the slightest tug would undo them. _

_"That's the game you wanna play?" Daddy Ken looked at the ribbon, a bit doubtfully, but eventually shrugged as if he could see how non threatening it was. _

_She nodded and with a flash of inspiration added, "I was watching a movie the other day... on the adult channel and someone did this, you know, blindfold someone and touch them with all sorts of things. It got me_ so_ hot Daddy. Please let's play it, pretty please?" She batted her lashes. _I spend more time batting my lashes than I do blinking.

_"All right," he said, no doubt thinking of all the ways this could be fun, especially if he won and got to tie her up. "You want me to be blindfolded first?" _

_"Yes, Daddy," she said. "Unless you'd rather start with me?" _

_Daddy Ken was willing to be first, and he tied the ribbon around his eyes. "This works," he said. _

_"Can you see anything?" she asked. "It won't be any fun if you can see what I'm doing!" Just to test him, she flipped him the bird. He showed no reaction at all._

_"All I see is blue when I open my eyes," He said, laying down on the bed. "C'mon Baby Girl, do your worst." _

_She got the bag of items out of her nightstand and started using them, starting though, with an ice cube from the glass before they melted. "What's this?" _

_"Easy, it's ice," Daddy Ken said, grinning. "Careful where you put that girl, it's cold." _

_She was careful not to use it anyplace that might cause him to become less excited. "Yeah, that was easy," she admitted. "Let's try something harder!" She pulled out a feather and gently rubbed it along the length of him. _

_"A feather," he said. _

_"Oh wow, you're better than I thought!" Suzie declared, reaching for another item in the bag. "What's this, Daddy?" _ Do you believe me? Do you really believe I love this?

_"The little teddy bear I got you," he said, getting a little breathless, due to where she had put it, in that special spot that turned him on so much. _

_"Good! What's this one, Daddy?" _

_"The fuzzy ball with the sparkle threads in it." _

_"Oh, Daddy, that's a really hard one, but you guessed it. I'm betting I'll be the one tied up today. Now, what's this?" She leaned over him._

_"Your tongue." _

_"Are you _sure_ you can't see through the ribbon?" she asked. She had known the tongue would be a dead give away for him. _

_"Baby Whore, I know what your tongue feels like." _

_"I guess that's true. What about this?" _

_"A cotton ball." _

_"Very good, Daddy." She took a bottle of baby oil out of her nightstand. "Let's go on to part two." She squirted some oil into her hands and then rubbed them all over Daddy Ken's chest, his groin, and his legs. The baby oil made the game even better with harder objects, but not with soft ones. She drew the vibrating toothbrush from her bag and placed it on him, so the little rubber nubs you were supposed to use to clean your tongue were against his scrotum. "This is a hard one, Daddy," she said, then giggled. "Almost as hard as you are!" _

_"Toothbrush," he said. _

_His replies were becoming more like moans and groans rather than words and Suzie knew she didn't have much time left before he would finish and if he finished, he might want to stop playing. She turned the toothbrush on briefly, knowing it was one of his favorite sensations. "Here's your reward for being so good at this!" She took it off of him, but left, it on so a faint humming noise continued. She tossed it into the nightstand drawer, where the hum got louder. Then she quickly grabbed something else from the bag. "What's this?" _

_"A guitar pick." _

_"Wow, you are the champion, I think," she said. "But we still have part three." _

_"Part three?" He asked._

_For a horrible moment, she thought he was going to remove the blindfold. So she quickly said, "I found some new things, we haven't tried before. I want to see if you can guess them because that will be _much_ harder." _

_"Wow, you really put some thought into this," Daddy Ken said, and he was gasping a bit too, the length of him wiggling, which she knew meant she didn't have much time. _

_"I love this game, I want to make it the most fun," she said, as she leaned over and reached under the bed, to grab the branch, or club as she thought of it now, from under the bed. Her fingers reached for it, but kept coming up empty. _ Oh shit, I must have pushed it further under than I thought._ Frantically, she kept trying to find it under the bed, and grab something new she could use so he would think she really did have items for part three._

_"What's taking so long, Baby Girl?" he asked. _

_Her fingers had just touched on the edge of the club, and she tried to roll it forward, to get a better grip. She knew that she was seconds away from him taking off the blindfold, so she reached into the nightstand drawer. She had a crayon in there, sometimes they did give her crayons and coloring books to use when she was locked away so Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean could go out and leave her alone in the house. She rolled the crayon over his thigh, then held it properly and acted as if she was drawing a line on him. "A crayon," he said. _

"_I didn't think you'd get that one!" she said. She had one foot down, moving under the bed. She was able to find the club, and then put her foot behind it, getting it to roll forward. Again, she knew she was taking too long, so she looked for something else within arms reach. There was a small plastic vase on her nightstand, with a couple of cheap, silk, daisies in it. she just managed to reach it and pulled one out. Gently, she ran it over him. "What's this?" she teased._

"_Well, this is a new one," he said. He was no longer reaching for the blindfold, but thinking. "A ribbon?" he guessed. _

_"No, Daddy," she said, rolling out the log from under the bed and putting it where she could reach it the fastest. "Try again," She rubbed the silk daisy along his chest and over him again. "It's something on my nightstand." _

_He was silent, trying to figure it out, and she reached down with her free hand, and curled it around the club, pulling it near. The weight of it, along with the length made it difficult, so she tipped it onto the end and held it up with her palm. "One of your little daisies?" he asked._

_"Amazing!" She said, sounding almost shocked with amazement. "I never thought you'd guess that one! Wow, that's... incredible. I have one last thing, Daddy, then it's my turn and I'll bet I won't do nearly as good as you!" _

_As quickly as she could, she grasped the club with both hands. She put her other foot on the floor, to brace her then raised it above her head, as high as she could. "Here it comes, Daddy!" she said and brought the club down, squarely on his face, as hard as she could. _

_Blood spurted from his nose, which now was bent at an unnatural angle and she thought she'd done it, but then she saw his hands, going for the now blood stained ribbon. A gurgling noise came from his lips and blood trickled out of his mouth. _

No!_ she thought. _ No, no no, I am not coming this far to fail. No! _ She raised the club and brought it down on his face, over and over again, bringing it down with all the force she could, over and over again, listening to the cracking sounds his bones made. She realized she should have tried to get Daddy to lay on the floor or another hard surface, the give in the mattress was causing her problems, but she wasn't going to give up. She kept raising the club, and bringing it down, over and over again, until her arms were tired, and Daddy Ken's head finally seemed to fall apart. At some point, she realized she was screaming with each hit. "Die you kiddiefucker, die! You'll never touch me or some other little girl again! Die and go straight to Hell!" Towards the end, there was no coherent thought behind her words, she was just screaming "Die, die, die!" over and over again._

_When her arms finally tired out and she put the bloody club down, she realized that the whole room was spattered with blood and pieces of white and gray stuff, mostly covered in blood too. _His brain,_ she thought_. That's his brain. He's dead. He's finally dead and I'll never have to touch him again_._

_She wished this was all she had to do, but she knew she wasn't done yet. _I should have saved some energy, _she thought_. My arms hurt now. But, I'm not done._ Her nightgown was splattered in blood and she knew some of it had even splashed onto her face. She thought about running to the bathroom, then realized she heard something downstairs. Cocking her head, she heard the door open and footsteps coming into the house, and then a voice. "Ken, Suzie, I'm here!" _

_It was time for part two. _

_"Uncle Sean!" she screamed, sounding as upset and scared as she could. It wasn't very hard, even though she had killed him, the sight of Daddy Ken, face obliterated was distressing. "Uncle Sean come quickly! There's something wrong with Daddy Ken! Please hurry!" _

_She heard him racing up the stairs and went and hid behind the door, which was shut but wasn't locked. She heard the knob turning and brought up the club like a baseball bat. Uncle Sean was taller than her, so she knew this was going to be difficult. _

_He burst into the room and paused when he saw all the blood and saw Daddy Ken, lying on the bed. "Wha-" he began._

_She swung the club as hard as she could, right into the center of his back. As she hoped, he pitched forward. What she wasn't expecting, but was a nice bonus, he hit his head on her nightstand, which served to daze him. He fell to the floor, in a face plant._

_There was no hesitation, Suzie ran over and started hitting him on the back of his head, shouting the same things about how he'd never touch her again, never touch anyone. The floor being hard was a huge help, and she saw his head began to cave in faster than Daddy Ken's had, even though her arms were tired. She knew that her arms were going to be so sore, but she didn't care. She just drove that club into his head, over and over again, until she and the room were now splattered with the gore from both men._

_She knelt on the floor, gasping for air, still holding the club. _I did it, _she thought._ I really did it!

_Her first reaction was to run as fast as she could, but then it hit her, there was no need. The house was a distance from other houses. Nobody was going to come over, because neither Ken or Sean could bring them over. She was alone in the house. _

_A calm overtook her, and she dropped the club to the floor, letting it roll until it was stopped by Sean's body. _ I never have to think of them as Daddy Ken or Uncle Sean are Ken and Sean and they are dead and I am _so_ glad_._

_She went over to Sean and pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. He had a drivers license, but she barely looked at it. Instead she opened the cash area and looked. He had a nice assortment of bills. She got up and pulled a clean t-shirt from her dresser, which she used to wipe the gore off of her. She had an extra set of linens in the room, and she grabbed a pillow case. She removed the money from Sean's wallet and threw it in the clean pillow case, along with a pair of jeans and a t-shirt._

_Ken's wallet was harder to get, because he was lying on his back. But, she managed to flip him over, her already tired arms protesting further. She emptied all the cash into the pillow sack. _

_Still feeling that strange sense of calm, she left the bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She went to the bathroom and took a long, hot, shower, washing all the blood and mess from her. Then, she changed into her clean clothes and went to Ken's room. She poked around in his closet until she found a small, plain duffle bag, then returned to her bedroom. Careful to avoid looking at either of the men, careful to avoid getting any blood on her, she took her "normal" clothes out of the drawer. A couple pairs of jeans, a few t-shirts, a couple sweatshirt. She packed them into the duffle bag. then went to the bathroom and grabbed her toothbrush, some toothpaste, her brush and comb. _

_She put the money in the duffle bag too, counting it. There was over twelve hundred dollars and to her eyes, this looked like a fortune. _

_She went into the kitchen. She suddenly realized she was hungry and looked in the refrigerator. She hadn't cooked much in her life, Ken or Sean not trusting her with things like knives or heavy pans, but she had watched them cooking. There was a package of ground beef in the refrigerator. She found a fry pan, and started frying it up. She found a can of diced tomatoes in the cupboard and threw that in. She boiled up some noodles and threw the whole thing together in a big mixing bowl, then ate some of it then put the rest in the refrigerator for later. _

_When she was done with that, she realized she was tired from the day, so she went upstairs and slept in Ken's bed with its superior mattress. When she woke up, it was dark out. She went back to the kitchen and ate some of the ground beef and noodles left, that she had put in the refrigerator. It tasted fine cold, too._

_Part of her wanted to grab her duffle bag and go right this second, but something told her she needed to do more. She went through the house, looking for every scrap of paper she could find. Paper bags, bills, magazines, all of it, she tore apart and crumpled, scattering it everywhere in the house she could. She went outside and gathered up small sticks. Looking in the shed, she found a can of lighter fluid probably someone had a bbq grill at one point, and a can of gasoline, no doubt intended for the lawn mower. _

_There was a bag of dried leaves leaning against the garage, raked by her and Ken, there to put into the trash next week. She took that and scattered those in the house with the paper. _

_She put her duffle bag in the bushes in the front of the house. Then she went back to the house. She squirted the lighter fluid all over her old room, making sure at least half of it was on the two men, again being careful not to get any filth on her. Then, she made a trail of gasoline going down the stairs. At the base of the stairs she made two trails, one leading to the kitchen, one leading to the front door. _You were stupid, _Ken, she thought, humming as she worked. _You let me watch violent movies, not realizing I learned from them. _ She turned on the gas in the kitchen, grabbing a box of "Strike anywhere" Diamond matches as she left. Then, she went to the front door and opened it._

_The final thing she did to the house was to light a match, using the front stairs to strike it, and put it to the gas on the living room carpet. To her delight, it started burning a trail almost instantly, that raced to the stairs and also raced towards the kitchen. _

_Then, for the first time since the two men had died, she hurried, running to her duffle bag, picking it up and running down the street as fast as she could, putting as much distance between her and the house as possible. Fortunately, it was all downhill. _

_She made it all the way to where the neighborhoods of multiple houses were, before she heard the explosion. Even though she was far away, she could hear it, roaring in her ears and swore she could feel the heat. She knew it was likely to attract the attention of someone in one of these houses, so she made sure she was standing in the shadows where she wouldn't be seen. She turned around and saw the house that not only contained Ken and Sean, but also contained all the video equipment, all the computer stuff where the movies she made had been edited, where her earlier stuff had been switched from VCR tapes to digital. All of it burning in a bright, glowing, orange and yellow ball of flame. _

_The houses were far enough out from the city that there were no street lights. It would be easy to remain hidden. Slinging the duffle bag over her shoulder, she made her way down the streets, grateful that she didn't hear the fire engines until she was sure the house, and thus everything inside of it, was in ashes. _


	9. Chapter 9

_By becoming an abuser, someone who has been abused can play the role of the more powerful person in the relationship in an attempt to overcome the powerlessness they felt when they were being abused. Unfortunately, this is not effective, and they may repeatedly dominate others in a futile attempt to get over the weakness they experienced as a victim._

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

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**Chapter Nine**

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Mox was not surprised when Seth's reaction to the announcement that Alexa was going to be staying with them for awhile was a cautious "Okay." Nor was he surprised the next day, when they were headed to work, Alexa back at the house, that Seth brought it up again.

"Mox, uh, I was thinking."

"That was your first mistake," Mox quipped.

"Ha ha," Seth said, in a tone that indicated he was anything but amused. "You said you knew Alexa before you came here. At first I thought she'd been one of the students in the teen group, but she looks young. She looks like she could still be in the teen sessions to be honest, and that worries me too."

Seth wasn't the only one worried about the age thing. Mox didn't know how young she had been when he met her, and he hadn't asked her how old she was now. She had been quite small when he first met her but she wasn't that much bigger now, which led him to believe she might have been older than he first thought. Or, maybe that meant she was younger. He wasn't sure what he should do if she wasn't eighteen. Especially considering that they had been intimate both nights she'd stayed with him now. He had told her after Seth went to bed last night, that he would use the futon, but instead, she led him into the bedroom. At first he thought they were just going to share the same bed, and he was okay with that. But, then she punched him in the chest, kicked him in the thigh, and the two of them ended up doing completely unprofessional wrestling, both with clothes on, then off. When it was over, neither of them said anything, but she snuggled into his arms and fell asleep.

_This cannot be normal,_ Mox had thought, just before he too fell asleep. He was still wondering that this morning too. "Don't worry," he assured Seth. "It's fine." It wasn't _exactly_ saying Alexa was over eighteen, but if she wasn't, well, honestly, that horse had escaped the barn years ago. They couldn't erase the past, and the facts were that they'd had sex years ago when they were both too young.

"Okay, I'm glad about that," Seth said, taking a sip from his coffee. Coffee that Alexa had started that morning, Mox remembered. "But, Mox, I'm pretty sure you didn't meet her at the camp. Did you meet her on the indie circuit?"

Mox was tempted to lie, but afraid it might haunt him someday. "No." He offered no other explanation. Let Seth figure it out.

The problem was that Seth wouldn't just figure it out and stay silent, he'd ask for confirmation. "Was she from... from... your... uh,"

He was asking, but doing a lousy job of it. "Yes," he said, rubbing his thigh where a nice bruise had formed from her kick. "I met her during the Timmy days."

"Uh, so you and her..."

Seth's face was red and for some reason that infuriated Mox. Seth wasn't a virgin anymore, and he knew about Mox's past, did he have to pick at him for details? Make Mox trot out his sordid past? "Yes, Seth, I've fucked her," he finally said. "We did three movies together, where she played my sister and we fucked in all three of them. Because why just appeal to just the pedophiles when you can also bring in the incest freaks? What do you think we did, play hide-and-go-seek in the basement?"

"Okay, okay, sorry I asked," Seth said and if he hadn't been driving, Mox was sure he would have raised his hands in a "stop" gesture. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"I don't get why it's so important for some folks to know so much about my past," Mox said. "Especially you, Seth. We're supposed to be brothers. Roman never asked me for all these details." He knew this wasn't quite fair and Roman might ask him the next time he visited if Alexa was really Little Suzie, providing Alexa had gotten over the whole "Baby Girl" thing and didn't start tearing a strip off of him. "But, yeah, we know each other in all sorts of ways, including in the biblical sense. But we're still human beings and I'm asking, no I'm _begging_ you, don't tell her I told you. She has the right not to share her past if she doesn't want to, especially not to you."

"Whoa!" Seth said and this time he did make the stop gesture, using only one hand. "I was just curious, you know?"

Mox knew he was pushing things overboard, but he couldn't help it, he'd been confused himself as to what was going on with him and Alexa since she'd first crawled into bed with him. Seth's questioning was just aggravating him. _ It sucks having such a fucked up past_, he thought. _It makes talk so damned embarrassing_. "Seth, pretend for a moment that you had a friend, a female friend, and she had a big old wart on her ass. And you ended up telling me and felt bad that you let it slip. How would you feel if every time I saw you, I went, 'Hey, Seth, how's your friend's wart doing? Does she still have it? Does it make it hard for her to sit, Seth? How about poop? Does it make pooping difficult?"

"All right, all right," Seth said, sounding half annoyed and half contrite. "I get it, and I'm sorry I asked. I'm just worried, you know?"

"Why?"

"Because, well, how long has it been since she escaped? Is she okay? I mean, you went through so much and I'll bet she did too. She might need help, are you sure you should be taking this on?"

"Who better than someone who will understand exactly what she went through?" Mox countered. "She won't be the first victim of sex trafficking I've talked to. I've worked with the FBI before."

"Yeah, but you were never... uh,_ intima_te with other victims you've spoken to. And you've never asked one to come live with us."

"I only asked her because she was on the streets," Mox reminded him. "I wasn't trying to lure her to live with me, but I won't let her sleep on the streets. She's got a busted arm and she can't do what she was doing for a living with her arm like that. I'm not a cold hearted bastard, Seth. And if I had the cash, I'd just pay her rent until she was healed, but I'm not that rich."

"Okay, I get that," Seth conceded. "What does she do for a living, anyway?"

_Fuck it, I can't lie all the time_. "She fights," Mox admitted. "Bare knuckle boxing some call it. Cage fighting, underground fighting, working at fight clubs, whatever you want to call it."

"Is that legal?" Seth sounded surprised.

"The actual fighting? Perfectly legal," Mox said. "The betting? Very _illegal_. In general, it's frowned upon, but you start taking bets, and yeah, the police get awful interested. Probably the IRS too. But the ones that take bets are the only ones that pay the fighters, at least the ones who win." _You sound like an FBI agent yourself now,_ he thought. _Or, at the very least, like good old Sheriff Aaron back home._

"How did you connect up with her?"

"Remember that night Sami and I went out and you first went to that Cuban restaurant? Sami took me to a fight club and that's where I saw her." Mox realized they were almost at the training center and he was relieved. _Just a few more minutes_. "Look, I don't want to kick her out, but are you going to be okay with this?" He thought about suggesting Seth stay with one of his friends from FCW if he had a problem with it.

"I'm okay with it," Seth said. "Okay, honestly, I have some concerns about it, but I also get that you don't want to leave her on the streets. So, yeah, at least while her arm is healing, she can stay at the house."

"Thank you," Mox said as they were rolling down the street to the center. Although, part of him wondered why he had to thank Seth. It was Sefa who found the place for them, after all, and Sefa was his father. _God you're being a massive prick today, aren't you Mox? _

.

When they got home last night, the breakfast dishes were done, the kitchen, living room, and bathroom were sparkling clean, and Alexa was finishing up making dinner. As Seth looked around, both pleased and a little bewildered that the place was finally up to, if not surpassing his cleanliness standards, Mox knew it wasn't going to be a problem for Alexa to stay. Mox himself was just amazed she could do all of this with only one good arm.

After seeing the living room and kitchen, Seth had gone right into the bathroom, where they first heard him go, "Oh wow," then nothing.

"You didn't have to do all this," Mox said, although he was pleased she had. "I mean, we really appreciate it, but I didn't ask you to stay here to be a housekeeper." _You should have told her how pleased you were first, _then_ that she didn't have to_, Mox chastised himself.

"If you had asked me, I would have told you no," Alexa said. "I hope you don't mind, I used the ground beef in the refrigerator. It would have passed it's sell by date tomorrow anyway."

Mox sniffed the air, which smelled like beef, tomatoes, and onions and made him want to drool. He hadn't even taken lunch today, he'd worked right through it. "I don't mind at all," he said. It had been meant for dinner after all, who cared who cooked it?

"Mox!" Seth came out of the bathroom, hands still wet after washing them. "She got that ring around the toilet out!"

"I used a can of diet coke," Alexa said.

Since diet coke was something in the house for Seth, not him, Mox wondered how Seth would feel, but apparently the elation about eliminating the toilet ring outweighed the beverage loss. "That's great," Mox said and really it was a good thing, but he wasn't sure it warranted this much enthusiasm. The ring never bothered him, although now that he thought about it, none of the toilets on the Reign's property, even the bunks and arenas had rings in them.

Dinner was ground beef with diced tomatoes, onion and garlic powder, over a bed of noodles. It wasn't fancy, but it was good and they didn't have to make it or order it from a drive through. "What is this?" Seth asked.

"Freedom stew," Alexa said.

"I like it, but I've never heard of it," Seth admitted. Which was more of Seth's thing anyway. Seth was the foodie out of the two of them. Mox was showing his appreciation by eating enthusiastically.

"I don't know if it has an official name," Alexa admitted. "Maybe ground beef and pasta. But I've always called it Freedom Stew."

"Really?" Seth smiled. "Any reason?"

"I liked the sound of it," Alexa said. She wasn't impolite, but her tone indicated this was the end of the discussion. Seth got the hint and dropped the subject.

She had even made dessert, a simple chocolate cream pie, using a ready made crust that was in the freezer. Mox remembered that months ago, Seth bought it, thinking he'd make orange cream pie, just to see if he could do it. He'd never gotten around to it, and Alexa had found it, cooked it, then put in a mixture of chocolate pudding and ready to whip dessert topping. It was rare when Seth and Mox ate dessert, they were supposed to be careful of their diets, but they broke the rule and each had a slice.

When dinner was finished, Mox and Seth were going to do the dishes, but Alexa stopped them. "You guys work," she said. "I'm the one who's crashing here. I'll clean up."

"Are you sure you should be doing that with your arm in the cast?" Mox asked.

She smiled and took a rubber glove from next to the counter, and put it on over the cast. "See? I'm fine." You two go relax, you worked hard today."

.

Things settled into a routine fairly quickly for the three of them. Alexa did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, while Seth and Mox appreciated what she did. They would have mowed the lawn, had there been a lawn to mow, but the backyard was a small gravel area and the front yard, a small dirt area strewn with crushed seashells. One day they would clean that up and plant something, they had promised the landlord, but not right now and fortunately, he wasn't in any hurry for them to leave.

Once a week either Mox or Seth, usually Mox, drove her to the grocery store where they paid for the groceries and helped her with the cart and unpacking them when they go home. The food selection they left up to Alexa, who, once she learned about the high protein, moderate good carbs, very limited to zero bad carb diet the training center suggested, did her best to comply. Nobody was going to suggest Alexa open a restaurant, but her food had a comfort quality to it.

Mox always made sure to slip her some cash for her troubles too. There was a small shopping center down the street if she wanted to spend it, but Mox thought she was saving some of it. She'd protested at first about taking it, but he'd convinced her that she deserved it for all she was doing. He saw some new shampoo and conditioner appear in the bathroom, saw Alexa wearing a few more T-shirts than she'd had when she got here, but other than that, she spent nothing. Mox was sure she was saving for the day she got better, so she'd have something to live on, but he never asked her, it was none of his business.

And they continued to use his bedroom together. Seth didn't say a word, which Mox was grateful for, because he had no clue what to say if someone had asked him what his relationship was with Alexa.

They didn't date, unless you called taking her to the grocery store a date, which he didn't. They did go out to dinner a couple times, but not that often, because Alexa usually made dinner. And they usually went to quiet, local places as a spur of the moment thing, they didn't feel like dates to him.

But, they were having sex. Lots of sex. And to Mox's amazement, he was fully able to function. He'd been worried that his past might have screwed him up to the point where he would be unable to perform had he wanted to have sex, but that was proving to be a huge, "No." He was able to rise to the occasion and keep it up for the duration. There was nothing frigid about Alexa, either, who was always the instigator . She seemed to understand that due to the days of Little Timmy and Little Suzie, Mox felt he couldn't ask her, so she was more than happy to take over that chore for the both of them.

But, while they were having sex, Mox had the feeling it wasn't good sex. Not how it made them feel, because both of them seemed to be having more than their share of orgasms, and in most cases, they felt really good. There was a lot of touching, nipping, stroking, and licking as well.

What there _wasn't,_ was much affection. No necking before, the only kiss had been the one she'd given him that first night. No starting on the couch and then before they got carried away, going off to the bedroom. Instead the usual way was that they would go to bed, and at some point, Alexa would start hitting him. Not too hard, but he was developing a good set of bruises that had nothing to do with wrestling. She avoided his face though. She would punch him, kick him, smack him. Often while she accused him of ruining her life. He would put up with so much of this, then pin down her arms and her body with his hands and his body. "Stop it," he'd whisper.

She would change instantly, and suddenly the struggle turned to foreplay, although neither of them seemed to need too much of that. Both of them would be so ready that by the time she was climbing on top of him, or he was moving over her. He almost to the point where he felt he'd be in terrible pain if he didn't get his release. It didn't seem to be quite like that for her, but from everything he could tell, she was getting her own release, usually by the mere act of sex, which shocked him. The woman he'd worked with had made sure he understood that porn was about the only place where a woman got off merely on the act of penetration. In real life, it took more.

He remembered a joke one of them told him, "Timmy, why do women fake orgasms?" she had asked him. When he confessed he had no clue she answered with, "Because men fake foreplay."

And even though the women he'd made movies with were experts at faking orgasms, they also taught him how _not_ to fake foreplay. But he didn't have to do much foreplay with Alexa, at least on the first round. Her beating on him seemed to be all the stimulation she needed If they went for another round, then he could prove his foreplay skills and she seemed to enjoy them, and did her own on him, which he enjoyed. But that first release was always the most powerful.

He wondered at first if he was a masochist, and worried that wrestling might cause him to embarrass himself. _That's all I need,_ he'd thought, _Someone botches and suddenly something springs to attention. _ But, that didn't happen when he wrestled. It didn't happen when one of the women wrestlers slammed into him accidentally after being tossed out of the ring by her opponent. That had been painful, not at all stimulating. He had a feeling his relief had translated itself into way too much of an enthusiastic, "No, really, that's okay, I don't mind at all!" to the two women. He thought he felt them staring at him when he wasn't looking at them.

.

"Why do you hit me?" he asked her one night, as they cuddled together. That was strange too, they did seem to like cuddling when it was over when one might have expected they'd turn away from each other and go to sleep.

"Because I still hate you," she said. She didn't mince words.

"Then why have sex with me?"

"Because I still love you," she said.

"You should hate me," he said, arm still around her. "All the time."

"Probably," she said. "But it's your fault that I love you, too. In fact, it's _more_ your fault that I love you than it is that I hate you."

"If you were going to sign up for a Facebook account, what would you write where it asked about if you were in a relationship?" Lance had been on his case to get his own Facebook page for awhile and he kept resisting.

"I already have one," she said. "And it says 'It's Complicated.'"


	10. Chapter 10

_People who have been abused carry a lot of anger about what happened to them and abuse can be a way to express that anger. Even if they have pushed the anger out of their conscious awareness, it can come out in subtle or not-so-subtle ways in intimate relationships or parenting style._

-Elizabeth Hartney, PhD - from the article The Cycle of Sexual Abuse and Abusive Adult Relationships

.

**Chapter Ten**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

_She thought that when she left the house, burning it along with the bodies of Suzie's Daddy and Uncle, that she would get herself back. She'd no longer be Little Suzie, she would be Alexa again. But she found she couldn't just slip into that skin again. She'd grown up since then, and grown up in all the wrong ways. Alexa Bliss had been a sweet little girl, cute and innocent with a Mommy and Daddy who loved her dearly. _

_She thought about going home. She knew they would take her in, all she had to do was walk into a police station and go, "My name is Alexa Bliss and I went missing years ago. I used to live in Columbus Ohio and my parent's names are..." They would have gotten her home. Her Mommy and Daddy would be delighted she was back. _

_At first._

_They would think she was the same little girl, just older. But, sooner or later the truth would come out, she had not been taken for some innocent purpose. Some couple, desperate for a child didn't grab her and then raise her in a loving home, as they probably prayed had happened to her. They would find out what she had done and while they would understand why she had done it, why she had been such a good little girl for two such horrible men, they would realize she'd changed. She knew more about sex than they did, and she had planned and killed two men. That was bound to change a person._

_She couldn't be her Daddy's "Little Miss Bliss," anymore. Or her Mother's "Pumpkin, Angel, Sweetie, lil' one," and the dozens of other nicknames she had for her. They would have gone on, maybe had more children to help fill that void she left when she was taken. She decided she wouldn't do that to her parents. Or herself for that matter. It would be hard living with them, trying to keep her past hidden as much as she could._

_But, she sure didn't want to be Little Suzie anymore. So, she took back the name Alexa. She didn't think her parents were cruel enough to name another daughter Alexa, so she might as well use it. _

_She decided her name was Alexa Waters, a nice, normal sounding name. And that very night when she escaped, when she got to a road where several cars seemed to be traveling, she put out her thumb. She had seen this in an old movie. You put your thumb out and someone would give you a ride. Of course, the movie had been a horror movie, but it was the hitchhiker who was evil, so she thought she was safe. _

_Within two minutes a truck pulled over, one of those big ones, but it didn't have a trailer in the back. She climbed in. He asked her where she was going, she asked where he was going. When he said he was heading back home, which was just outside of Detroit, she casually said that just happened to be where she was headed. She made up a story about staying with her Uncle the last few days, but her Mom was sick and she had to get home. It was an awful story, with lots of holes. She hoped he'd buy it._

_As it turned out, she could have said, "I killed the two guys who held me captive for the last few years and I'm trying to get as far away as I can from it." Because Bill the truck driver didn't give a damn why she was out so late at night. All Bill cared about was getting a blowjob. And she gave him one at a truck stop right outside of Detroit. _Great_, she thought, as she was satisfying him,_ I ran to get away from this shit. _ Fortunately, that was about the only thought she had time to think before Bill was finished and tucking it back into his pants. Lucky Bill, because she might have bitten it off. _

_But, she soon learned she didn't have many options. She was underage, obviously under age. She had no ID either. The only thing she did have was a body that certain types loved to use and abuse and the skills to get them off. So, that's what she did. _

_She learned that there was a price to being poor and alone. If she wanted to rent a hotel room so she could get some decent sleep, or even "ply her trade" as some of the other street girls called it, she had to pay big money. "You have no ID, no credit card, so, yeah, how do we know you won't trash the place?" _

_And usually it was such a dive that trashing the place might be an improvement. But she'd end up paying more for some horrible room with a mattress so filthy and stained, than other people would pay for a room in a five star place. _

_More than one guy tried to get her into his business, working for him, but Alexa had enough of men who wanted things from her. She usually managed to get rid of them by telling them that when she got busted, as eventually, everyone did, she would tell them who her pimp was. And they might not take kindly to someone as old as them, selling a girl her age. _

_Detroit had a lot of abandoned buildings and she found that she could camp in one of them fairly safely. There were plenty for everyone, but she still would try to get up to the attic so in case someone came in, they were likely not to find her. She might have been happy with that arrangement, bringing the old creeps that liked to fuck her to an abandoned house, but the streets with the empty houses were not the streets to get clients and they weren't streets clients would go to. _

_From listening to the rest of the girls, she learned that she was very lucky so far. Almost every one of them had been beaten by the men who hired them at least once. They spoke of ones that had just disappeared, too. "Serial killers think it's okay to pick us off," one girl named Janie told her. "And, a lot of them get away with it for a long time before they're caught. Because no one gives a fuck. Half the time, they gotta get bold enough to try to grab a pretty little white girl before the police notice." She looked at Alexa. "No offense." _

_"None taken," Alexa said. She knew every day she was out there, she was risking herself. Some of the girls carried weapons, but according to others, weapons were often just excuses to get beaten worse or killed. Plenty of girls had found themselves slashed up as the victim of their own knives. _I wish I was stronger,_ she thought. _I need to be stronger. I need to be the strongest or I'll end up the deadest_. _

_She had a few close calls that scared her to the point where she stopped using hotel rooms. Doors locked her in with men. She could hang out near the strip joints and get someone to pay her and take her down some filthy alley to take care of business. Yeah, she got less than she would have if she'd been able to take them to some awful hotel room where the roaches walked around like they owned the place. But, she could satisfy them a lot faster. Most of them were happy to give her a few bucks for a blow job. And, if she was in an alley, she could run. She might not be strong, but she was fast. When she'd done what she could for the night, she'd run back to whatever abandoned house she was squatting at. Not running like something was wrong, which could attract the cops, but running like she was a normal young lady, trying to stay fit. She kept a pair of sweatpants and a matching shirt in a small duffle bag she hid in the alley every night and changed into it when it was time to run home._

_Then, one night, she was in an alley behind one of the worst strip joints in Detroit, with some filthy, fat, slob who called himself Peter, who offered her fifty bucks if she'd blow him. She did, but he felt he didn't get his money's worth._

_"That wasn't worth ten bucks," he growled and ripped at her pants. They were already practically threadbare and his fingers were able to make holes in the waist and he was able to rip them. _

_"It's not my fault you got off in seconds," She said, struggling against him, knowing she should just keep her mouth shut and concentrate on getting away, but she couldn't resist throwing insults. "Whoever you have at home must really be bad at giving head." _

_"Don't you talk about Martha like that!" He managed to rip her jeans so they were sliding down her legs. "She doesn't do things like that, unlike you, you filthy whore!" _

_"Is she your wife or your sister?" Alexa taunted back. "Maybe your daughter?" _He's ripping my jeans! _she thought. Something that could be seriously bad, because she didn't have her duffle bag that night, thinking it would be all right to run home in jeans. _

_He spun her around and pressed her against the wall, her jeans puddling around her feet. "I'll get my money's worth," he said, fumbling with the front of his pants. He didn't even have to unzip them, he'd never zipped them up from the blowjob. "I'll take a piece of your ass instead." _

_Alexa _hated_ anal. Too many guys had no clue what lube was and unlike a vagina, her ass was not self lubricating. She struggled to get away. "Stop it! Don't do that!" she called out, knowing how feeble she sounded. _He's going to rip me apart,_ she thought. _

_As if he could read her mind, Peter snaked his hand around and used two fingers to penetrate her. "Don't worry little bitch," he snarled into her ear. "I'll lube up here and then go around the back." _

_Those were the last words she ever heard Peter say. She heard a cracking noise and suddenly his hands were off of her and his stomach wasn't pressed into his back and then she heard a thud like a wet bag of cement hitting the ground. _

_She grabbed for her jeans, trying to pull them up enough to cover herself, and turned to see a large woman, built solid and strong, leaning over Peter with a piece of wood, it looked like part of a two by four in her hands and she was holding it like a baseball bat, ready to swing it down again if she had to. Alexa gasped._

_"Did he pay you?" the woman asked._

_"Not yet," Alexa said, feeling both confused and so grateful for this woman for rescuing her. She didn't care about the money, she was alive and she wasn't struggling with internal damage. _

_"Okay," The large woman said, She smacked Peter once again in the head, and then squatted down, putting her fingers on his neck. "He's still alive, but he'll be napping for a while. Good, because he's not worth going to jail over." She flipped the fat man onto his face as easily as Alexa might flip a pillow on a bed. She pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and opened it. "Whoo, we have a man who believes in cash!" she exclaimed, pulling a handful of bills out of the wallet. Peter's pants were still down past his waist. The woman took the wallet and put it between his butt cheeks, as if putting a rose into a crystal vase. _

_She stood up and Alexa realized she wasn't as tall as she thought she'd be. With all her muscle and strength, Alexa thought she'd be nine feet tall, but she only stood about a head taller than Alexa. The woman flipped through the bills and pulled one out. "My fee for saving your ass," she said, smiling. "You can have the rest." She handed the wad to Alexa who took it, holding it in her hands, her gaze alternating from the money to the woman's face. Her pants were slipping down, too ripped to stay up and she felt grateful, but completely lost. _

_"The woman sensed what was going on, and when she saw Alexa's pants sliding down, she shook her head. "You're a pretty little thing, you can't walk home with no pants on. Let's see what we can do." She was wearing a denim jacket, which she pulled off. Under that, she had a T-shirt and before Alexa could protest, she'd ripped a strip off the bottom of it. Then, just as efficiently, she ripped the strip so it was a straight, thin piece of cloth. She pulled up Alexa's pants, checked the belt loops and threaded the makeshift belt through them. "Good thing the belt loops last forever on most pants," She said as she tied them in front and then stepped back. "Okay, it isn't great, but it's dark and it's enough to get you home." She spoke as if Alexa was just fine, not staring at her, still holding the money, as if she was afraid to move. "I go by Jessica," she said. "And you?" _

_"Alexa," she said, amazed that she hadn't stammered or stuttered. "I go by" was a code term for, "I am not ready to tell you my last name, and the first name I gave you may or may not be real." _

_"You okay, honey?" the woman said. "I know, that piece of shit was after you, but he didn't actually get anywhere, did he?" _

_Alexa shook her head. "Not for lack of trying," she said, and this time, the trembling started and she wrapped her arms around herself to try to hold it all inside of her. All the fear that her body refused to feel when she was being attacked, but now that she was safe, felt just fine about coming out to play. _Let's play a game, _her mind taunted_, Let's play what might have happened if Jessica hadn't come along. That will be a fun game, won't it? Would you be dead? Bleeding all over the place? C'mon, let's really think about this for a while.

_Jessica could see and sense Alexa wasn't right. "You smoke?" she asked, pulling a pack of Marlboros from the pocket of her denim jacket and offering them. _

_Alexa shook her head. Neither of her captors had smoked and while she knew plenty of people in the streets who did, she was smart enough to realize it was a stupid, expensive habit. She was a little disappointed her savior didn't agree. _

_"Good for you," Jessica said. "It's a bad habit." she put the pack back in her pocket._

_"I don't mind if you do," Alexa lied, still trembling, still with her arms around herself, the money still sticking out of one hand. _

_"I'm not going to indulge in that filthy habit," Jessica said, scornfully. "It'll take away your lung power. You take away your lung power and you might as well write 'Victim' on your forehead. You don't get strong by smoking." _

_"Then why-" Alex began._

_"Because there are enough idiots around here who do," Jessica explained. "And you'd be amazed at what you can learn if you give someone a smoke, so I always keep a pack on me." _

_"Are you a cop?" Alexa knew the police were known to give out smokes, sandwiches, and various other things to get information out of street people. _

_Jessica laughed. "Hardly. Still, it never hurts to have an ear to the streets. My god, put that money somewhere before we leave this alley or someone's going to rip it from you." _

_Alexa nodded. It was a lot of money, she should tuck it into her sock, her usual carrying place. But she still felt as if she took her arms away from her body, she'd shake apart. _

_"Oh, honey, you're really rattled," Jessica said. She took the money from Alexa, who just let her. She probably deserved it more than Alexa did, but she smiled. "I'll give it back as soon as you're a little more together." _

_Alexa just nodded. _What in the hell is going on with me?_ She thought. _I killed two guys with a piece of wood. Killed them, not just knocked them cold. But I'm ashamed I needed help to get away from this guy. And grateful someone came to my rescue.

_Jessica's brows furrowed, then her forehead smoothed as she seemed to come to some sort-of conclusion and shrugged. "I don't live far from here," she said. "Let's go to my place. I've got some eggs and other stuff I can cook up. It'll give you a little time to get yourself together before you head home. I might even have some sweat pants that shrunk in the wash I can let you use. They'll still be big, but that's why they have strings." She tucked the money she'd taken from Alexa into her bra, and put her denim jacket around Alexa's shoulders. _

_. _

_She did live close, only a block away or so, in a tiny one bedroom apartment where the living room faced a neon sign advertising a cheap hotel. Alexa had stayed in that hotel before. But she didn't care about the view, what surprised her was that Jessica had a machine in her living room, taking up well over half of it. It looked like some type of torture device. Alexa had done some movies before where she had been dominated, which she hated, or had been the dominatrix, which she liked. This machine looked like it could have been in one of those. Lots of pulleys and levers, even a couple benches on either side. "What do you use this for?" Alexa asked._

_"Bodybuilding," Jessica said. "I prefer to go to the gym, but I got this for next to free and there are times when the weather is just too awful to go out, so I work out here." _

_"You're strong," Alexa said, looking at the woman's large biceps and thighs. _

_Jessica looked at her. "You've got some muscle," she said. "Your legs look pretty strong, but your arms aren't the arms of someone who eats burgers and watches TV all day. You should do some strength building. It wouldn't hurt for someone in your line of work to be able to defend herself." _

_"It's not work," Alexa said. "It's survival. If I could find something else to do, anything else, I'd do it." _

_._

_Jessica made breakfast for both of them, which they ate while the sun came up. Then, since the sun was up, it was suggested that Alexa might want to get some sleep on her couch. Alexa didn't have to be asked twice. Belly fully, blanket over her, and feeling safe having a lock on the door into the place, and no man inside, she fell asleep almost instantly._

_She ended up moving in. It was never some official thing, it's just Jessica asked her to stay the next night and the next, and eventually just stopped asking and gave Alexa a key. She fed her twice a day. When Alexa told her she should keep the money they'd gotten from Peter, all of it, Jessica just shook her head and took her to a thrift store, where they bought Alexa a bunch of clothing that while used, was new to her. Jeans, t-shirts, flannel shirts, casual clothing._

_None of it was hooker clothes. Alexa knew she should be looking for that stuff, short skirts, halter tops, anything tight but it was so nice these few days, pretending she wasn't a streetwalker. That she was someone normal. _

_Then, Jessica introduced her to underground fighting._

_And Alexa _loved_ it._

_She took to it instantly, even though she trained for almost a year before her first fight. Jessica helped her get some ID saying she was eighteen and that's all the places cared about. Underground fighting was very organized in Detroit, for something illegal. There were lots of these places, and Jessica worked all of them and taught Alexa to do the same. The purse was part of the money taken in for bets and given to the winner. But the really good places, that could be a lot of money, and often fifty to a hundred dollars was taken out for the loser, especially if the loser had a decent rep. It wasn't an easy life, but Alexa didn't care. She worked out, she fought. And it might be illegal, but there was something... _cleansing _about it. As if with every blow she landed on someone, a bit of her past peeled away. She wasn't being victimized. Neither was her partner for that matter. They beat on each other because it was a way to earn money. They pressed their bodies to the limit, and when that limit was hit, you rested a bit, then worked yourself until that limit increased. _

_She made her fighting name Toril and she wore that name like a suit of armor. She spent an average of eight to ten hours a day working out, cardio, strength, cardio, strength. Jessica insisted they eat a diet that was very high in protein, low in sugar and refined carbs. "Any carbs are energy," Jessica explained. "But good carbs do more than give you energy. They take care of your body. They give you fiber, they help you feel full. They take care of your heart, your kidneys, and a whole bunch of other things." _

_For almost two years, she and Jessica lived some idyllic life, or at least it was to Alexa. She didn't have to have sex with anyone. She would have happily had it with Jessica, if she'd asked, but she never did. She trained, she got stronger and faster, she ate well and she fought. Instead of feeling ashamed of her body, as if it were only good for one thing, fucking, she started taking pride in how she looked. Strong and bold. Jessica was much broader than her, which did help her, but Alexa didn't mind being an itty bitty thing. People had a tendency not to notice the thigh and arm muscles on a bitty one. They had a tendency to think they could take them out easy as pie. That often gave her a hell of an advantage. People expected Jessica to put up a fight. They expected Alexa to roll into a corner and start crying._

_She might have stayed in that life forever, but Jessica's father got sick. Alexa didn't even know Jessica had a living father, but she did. He lived in some tiny farming town, which were plentiful in Michigan. He had early onset Alzheimer's and even though they hadn't spoken or seen each other for over five years, Jessica felt she needed to go back to her childhood home and take care of him. Her mother had died back when Jessica was just a child. She, like Alexa, was an only child, which Alexa was sure measured into her decision. _

_It all happened so quickly, it seemed like one day Jessica was here and all was normal, then the next day, she'd packed up her clothing and was gone. She told Alexa she could keep the place, and for a few weeks, she did. But it was so lonely without her friend. _

_So, when she found out some other fighters were heading to Florida, she asked if she could go along. She needed a change of scenery, and also, she followed the news. She knew where Timmy, who now he went by either Jon Moxley Reigns or Dean Ambrose, was. She knew his home base was in Florida. She knew he was trying to become a wrestler, actually was already a professional wrestler, just not at the top. She remembered those few days in the basement, if they weren't making movies, or she wasn't being "Broken in" she and Timmy would curl up on the bed together, watching his wrestling VCR tapes. She liked the idea of wrestling a lot more before Timmy told her it was scripted and wrestlers tried not to hurt each other. But, she had liked watching the tapes with Timmy, it was the closest thing they had to entertainment. _

_She had no plans to look him up, but if she happened to run into him in Florida? She wanted to talk to him. She wasn't quite sure what she wanted to say to him, but she did want to talk. _

_But when she got down to Florida, she suddenly didn't want to find him, in fact she wanted to avoid him. The underground fighting circuit was not nearly as good as it was in Detroit, which meant it was hard keeping body and soul together. She ended up barely living from hand to mouth. Timmy had become Jon Moxley Reigns. Adopted by a family considered to be Wrestling Royalty. When she saw him on TV, when he was coming forth with his story about what had happened to him, he looked _clean_. Like he really had shed his old life off. She felt dirty in comparison. When she was in Detroit she felt like she'd been shedding her life. But in Florida, when she couldn't even afford to keep a roof over her head, where any type of injury was something she had no time or funds to nurse, she thought if she walked into his life, he'd be unhappy. He didn't need some grubby whore hanging around. He had a good life. She would stay away and let him enjoy it._

_He came to one of the clubs she was working at and recognized her. She remembered when the guard gave her the card and told her "Little Timmy" said to give it to you," how she _almost_ threw it away._

_Then she broke her wrist and she couldn't fight. The vet who set it had given her an Xray and said she'd fractured it before, and if she didn't take the full six weeks or more to let it heal, she would never get it to full strength again. She'd moved onto the streets, and finally, out of desperation she called him. And, if she had to be honest with herself, she had been hoping he'd buy her a meal, despite her protests. She was hungry and bones didn't mend without fuel. But she didn't expect him to invite her to stay with him. She didn't expect him to give her his bedroom, with a lock to keep her safe. That he would sleep on the futon sofa in the living room. _

_She had laid in the bed that first night, after the shower, after he had helped her brush her hair, and so many emotions were running through her. What he'd done to her. How he'd taken her virginity and even though he tried to be nice about it, or as nice as their captors would let him be, it had hurt. She had bled, and it had been horrible. She'd screamed and cried. _

_But after that, after the pain subsided, nobody really seemed to care much what was happening in the movies they made, as long as they were crawling all over each other. _Then _he'd shown her, sex wasn't just horrible or something only to be done to have babies. Sex was_ building_ something. Most men just hammered the nails, screwed in the screws, and called it good. Like she was some type of bookshelf. Who cared if she fell apart afterwards she was good enough for their purpose._

_But there was Timmy/Mox who had shown her what it was like to be treated special. To do the same things he'd done for the first movie, the same things their four captors had done to her, but to do it slowly, gently, _correctly.

_She almost burst into tears in that bed, because Timmy was the only one who did that for her. Sure, some men tried, but under that facade of caring, gentle touches, there was still impatience, as if they thought she was one of those puzzles. Move this, twist that, instant orgasm, bragging rights. Timmy acted like they had all the time in the world. Timmy laying next to her as he moved his hands over her, whispering in her ear. "If it hurts, let me know and I'll stop. I'll do something else." And it _didn't_ hurt, instead it felt so damned good and she thought she'd_ never _feel that good again, and she felt so good when the rush happened, but so guilty, because were little girls supposed to feel like this? She was pretty sure they weren't. _

_She went out to that living room to give him a piece of her mind, yell at him, curse him to hell for making her like it, for letting her know it wasn't just disgusting and sticky, that it could be so much more. Wouldn't she have been better off never knowing? _

_Then as she was punching him, she saw in his eyes, dark as it was in that room, that he remembered too. Remembered how good he'd made her feel. And before they knew it, the two of them were fucking again and oh god, it did feel good, as good as she remembered. _

_For that, she loved him._

_For that, she hated him._

* * *

_**Author's Notes: **_ These are strange times we live in. At least for me, last week I was making plans to house sit for a friend, today I am thrilled to be able to go to the grocery store.

Forgive me for being a sap here, but I worry about all of you. I worry about everyone I know. I can't help it, all I have now is time to worry. So, please, take care of yourself. You already know all the stuff about washing your hands, sterilizing everything. Bleach, bleach, bleach. Just be careful about the bleach, my cat spent last night at the vet and we're pretty sure it was because of all the bleach based cleaners I've been using. So, keep children and pets in safe places and ventilate.

But, everyone knows about cleaning. You can't go anywhere without hearing "Wash your hands!" "Don't touch your face!" And if that isn't enough, if you've suddenly been told to work from home, the "We'll tell you how to live your life" police are writing articles telling you to act like this is work! Get up! Take your shower! Dress in business clothes!

Fsck that.

By all means, be ready for a teleconference, but if it makes you feel better to sit at your desk in your pj's, do it. By all means, do your work, but find the advantages and use them. I mean, if it makes you feel better to pretend working at home is the same as going to work, then do it. But, if you want to dance around in your underwear listening to your favorite music, as long as you aren't on a teleconference, do it.

We're not going to get through this by trying to control each other. We will get through this by uniting. I know it's hard with people out there who are determined to own every roll of toilet paper that exists (My motto? If you are what you hoard, there are way too many $$holes out there.) but you can't help that, some folks will always look at tragedy as an excuse to be dicks or make money.

The only suggestion I'm going to make is that if you have a large enough outdoor area, like a back yard, as long as the weather is good, make yourself time every day to sit out in the sun. Listen. there is still a world out there, and it's still turning. You are not alone.

The old saying about united we stand, divided we fall? That couldn't be more true than right now.

Stay safe, take care. To everyone who reads this, whether I know you or not, just take care of yourself. Be good to yourself.


	11. Chapter 11

_90% of child sexual abuse victims know who their abuser is. 30% of those children are abused by family members. The younger the child, the more likely abuse is from a family member. 50% of sexually abused children under five are victimized by a family member_.

Information from: Darkness Into Light, an organization whose goal is to end childhood abuse.

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**Chapter Eleven**

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Three weeks after Alexa moved in, she started worrying about being unable to work out. She tried to run every day, and she walked a lot, but a cast on her arm even made those things difficult.

It seemed to Mox she worried about it constantly. She was weighing herself several times a day, and nothing made her happy. If she was losing weight, she was sure it was muscle, if she was gaining weight she was sure it was fat. No matter how much he and Seth tried to explain to her that weight could fluctuate a few times during the day, she never seemed to believe it, or she didn't believe it applied to her. If she gained or lost weight, it was something defective in her.

She still cooked, but sometimes she would refuse to eat. "I ate earlier," she'd say, but Mox knew she was lying.

"Alexa, you need fuel," he told her the first night she played this game. "You can't starve yourself, you'll lose muscle doing _that_, too."

"That's easy for you to say!" she said.

He saw tears in her eyes, but instinctively knew they were frustration in liquid form. Alexa had made an identity for herself, she was an underground fighter, she was tough, she was strong, and would stay that way. Now she couldn't fight, she couldn't work out several hours a day. _She feels she's losing part of herself, _he thought. _The most important part of all._

.

He didn't know what to do until he walked down to the little shopping center, wondering if the thrift store might have some simple weights she could use with her good arm. Next door to the tiny center was a former grocery store that was now a gym. Not one of the name gyms, this one seemed to be privately owned. If Mox didn't have his job which kept him working out, he would have joined. He walked past the thrift store and went to the gym.

Mox had never tried to work out with a broken bone. He once had a terrible sprain that kept him from working out, but he was also very underweight at the time, and he thought that might figure into it. So, he really had no idea if what he was thinking was feasible, but he figured there was no harm in asking.

The place was owned by a family, father, mother, two daughters, one son, and there was a picture of them on the wall when you walked in. Dad and Son were buffed up body builders, reminding Mox of Triple H. Mother and daughters were trim with lean muscles. The whole family were blond and toothy, looking like they all might have marched out from an ad for Colgate that appeared in a fitness magazine. _"Colgate, it makes your teeth whiter, and makes your work out work harder for you!" _

He walked up to the counter, where one of the daughters was. She was the youngest and she wasn't much bigger than Alexa was. Her name tag said she was "Summer." Mox wondered if her sister was named Autumn and her brother Winter, but he thought it might be rude to ask. "Hi!" she greeted him, smiling like it made her day, perhaps even her week that he had come in and came to talk to her.

"Hi," Mox said, swallowing. He wasn't shy for long, but new situations sometimes made him a little nervous and this was new. "Uh, can you work out with a broken arm? Like, is it safe?"

She nodded, looking over the counter at his arms, which were clearly not broken. "Who is this for?"

"My... my..." he stammered, then swallowed, "My girlfriend. She's used to working out a lot, but she has a broken arm and it's making her kind-of crazy. I just figured if she can work out, she'll feel better."

"She will!" Summer enthusiastically agreed. "Working out will help in _so_ many ways, from having her body produce natural painkillers, to blood circulation, which is very useful for healing."

_Will it be useful for fending off an eating disorder?_ Mox wanted to ask, because that's the road he was afraid Alexa was walking down. Sure, she'd be healed soon enough, but what about the next injury? Also, she'd told him the underground fighting circuit in Florida was awful, what if she decided to do something else? "Good," He said.

He soon found out that Summer didn't just work at the gym with her family, she was also a personal trainer and had been a quarterback in the Lingerie Football League. Mox didn't know what that was, Roman was the football freak of the family, but thought that if women were really playing football in lingerie they must be pretty tough women.

Two hours and two hundred dollars poorer, he left. He had a hand written gift certificate in his back pocket. _Did I just buy a gift for my girlfriend?_ he wondered. He wasn't sure, thinking how most commercials implied women only wanted frilly things like teddy bears from Vermont, or very shiny and expensive things like diamonds. He had never heard anyone talk about anyone giving or getting a gym membership for a gift.

He stopped in the little convenience store and from a rack of cards found one that didn't go into declarations of love, but seemed to fit giving a gift to someone. I_s this right or wrong?_ he thought. I_t's not what they'd call romantic_.

They had individual roses up at the counter. Impulsively, he bought one.

.

When he got home, Seth told him Alexa was out on one of her walks. Mox went into their bedroom (he really did think of it as their bedroom now) He signed the card, put the certificate in it, then sealed it up, writing her name on the front of the card. Then he arranged it on her side of the bed, with the rose lying across it.

He came out into the living room, where Seth was sitting on the floor in front of the stereo he'd gotten at a garage sale a couple weeks ago. It came straight out of the '80, turntable, receiver, cassette player. It was in a big fake wood and glass cabinet, and it had two huge speakers. The guy holding the garage sale was so thrilled to get rid of the bulky thing, and for twenty five bucks, not only sold it to Seth, but threw in an orange crate full of record albums and a plastic tote full of cassette tapes. As time allowed, Seth was going through the collection of music, listening and nodding a lot.

Usually he did this with headphones on, but today he was sitting cross legged on the floor, the speakers moved and arranged just so. "Mox, listen to this!" he said, rising to his feet.

"It sounds like someone is just saying number nine over and over again," Mox said.

"No, sit where I was!" Seth said, pointing to the floor.

Mox sat down and Seth went to the stereo and restarted the song. "It's someone saying number nine, over and over again," he repeated.

"Yeah, but do you feel it? The way it goes from one side of your brain to the other? Isn't it great?"

Different sounds started happening too, most of it sounded like straight up gibberish or made him feel like he was walking quickly through a restaurant, listening to bits and pieces of different conversations going on around him. Mox wasn't sure he liked this at all. "They call this music?"

"It's the_ Beatles!" _Seth said. "_Revolution Number 9!_ From the White Album. I now have a copy of the White album that's barely been played."

"If this is what all the music is like, then I get why it was barely played," Mox said. He knew who the Beatles were, but he hadn't listened to much of their music. They were Seth's thing, Beatles, Heavy Metal, Punk, etc. Seth loved music. If Seth hadn't loved wrestling so much, Mox was convinced he would have found a way to get into the music industry.

Seth sniffed in that way he had, that made you feel instantly guilty of some great injustice you'd committed, like farting at a funeral. "You don't _get_ it." He walked over to the stereo and put on another song.

Mox listened and shrugged. "It's not the best thing I've ever heard, but at least it's a song, I mean, it's got a melody, a catchy enough hook to it. It's peppy."

"It's_ Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da,_" Seth said, still looking down his nose. Brother he was to Mox, and like most brothers there were some things about him Mox could not stand and that snotty, sniffy look was at the top of the list. "And I totally agree with John who said it was one of 'Paul's granny shit' songs."

"I have no clue what you're talking about."

"Well you see-"

"-And I don't _care_, either," Mox interrupted. "I'm going to the kitchen and getting a drink, do you want anything?"

Seth gave up looking down his nose and sighed instead, as if Mox's taste in music was a horrible burden he had to bear. "Yeah, I'll take a diet Coke."

When Mox went into the kitchen, Alexa had just come in from the outside. "Hey," he called out.

"I'm sweaty," she said, "I'm going to take a shower." She kept her bathrobe in the bathroom, so she didn't have to go to her room.

"I'm great, how are you?" Mox mumbled under his breath as the door shut. He opened the refrigerator and grabbed a diet coke and a bottle of water. He brought the can of soda into the living room and handed it to Seth.

"Is Alexa back?" Seth asked, as the sound of the shower started.

"Yeah," Mox said, sitting on the couch. "She was sweaty."

"Do you think she'll make dinner?" Seth asked hopefully.

"I don't know," Mox said. "When she's done, I'll ask her. If she says no, maybe we can go to that little Mexican place down the street."

Seth thought about this for a moment, then nodded. "I could do Mexican tonight. But I kind of hope Alexa is going to cook. I love that chicken and vegetable dish she made the other night. With the tomato sauce."

Mox smiled, feeling oddly complimented that Seth liked Alexa's food. She didn't follow recipes, rather she threw things together, but they were always pretty good. _A little bit possessive of her, aren't we?_ "Seth, if you still want to listen to music, can you do it with headphones? I want to watch TV."

"No, I'm done for now," Seth got that look on his face again, as if remembering how disappointed he was in Mox's music tastes. He shut off the stereo and got on the sofa next to Mox. "What are we going to watch?"

Mox shrugged. "You can pick, I just wanna veg."

Seth picked up the remote, turned on the TV and started going through the dial, stopping on a local station that showed movies. "Oh my god, _This is Spinal Tap!"_ he exclaimed. "I _love_ this movie!"

Mox looked at him. Every single time the movie was on, if he was home, he watched it. Every single time, he acted like Mox had no clue he loved it so much. He even had a copy of it on DVD, but he always acted like it had been forever when he saw it was on the TV. Mox thought the movie was pretty good himself, but he didn't think it warranted that much excitement.

He watched with Seth, but half of his mind was listening to the shower. When the water turned off, he pictured Alexa getting out, taking off the plastic trash bag she'd used (they kept a roll of them, and duck tape in the bathroom for that purpose) and drying off as best she could, one handed. He envisioned her using the towel to dry her pretty legs... _Stop that!_ He ordered himself. _Don't get turned on, you're starting to act like a pervert_.

She came out of the bathroom, cut through the living room and went to their bedroom to get dressed. He was half tempted to call after her and ask her if she needed his help. He wanted her to go, "Yes," and maybe smile and wink. He wanted them to lay down together, cuddle and then slowly start touching each other, remove each other's clothing, kiss her, hold her, and slowly have the two of them make love. But that wasn't their style, so he waited, hoping she'd like the gift.

It seemed like forever that she was in the room, and he tried to picture her reaction to the envelope, the rose, opening it, seeing the card. Would she smile? Was she smiling right now? Was she going to open it right away, or get dressed first, letting herself build up anticipation for what it might be.

Instead she stormed out of the room, still wearing her robe, holding the rose. She came into the living room and held up the rose. "Is this some type of joke?" she asked.

He could see the fire in her eyes and wondered what he had done wrong. He stood up, "No joke, I thought you'd like it."

"I don't _like_ flowers!" she said, then with her good hand, slapped him with that rose as hard as she could. It was just a flower, but it did have thorns. One caught on his cheek and cut it, a long, thin cut that began to seep blood instantly. Before he could say anything, she turned and stormed back into the bedroom.

"Holy fuck," Seth exclaimed looking up at his face, where tiny droplets of blood were welling from the scrape and trickling down his cheek. "What the hell is her problem?"

"I-I don't know," Mox said, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. "I just thought she'd like it, you know?"

"Does she do this type of stuff to you often?" Seth was looking up at him, and Mox saw way too much concern in his eyes. "Get so upset with you that she attacks you?"

_No_, Mox thought. _Usually she gets so turned on she attacks me. And tells me that I ruined her life. What, Seth, isn't that how everyone has sex? Fight, scream, and fuck?_ "Uh, not really," he said. Which was sort of the truth and sort of a lie. He couldn't stay there in front of Seth, his cheek bleeding, feeling so ashamed of himself. "I'm going to go see what's going on," he mumbled and left the room.

When he walked into the bedroom, he saw Alexa lying across the bed, face buried into her pillow, shoulders shaking. _She's crying_, Mox thought. _This is not liquid frustration, this is real __crying. What the hell did I do?_ He looked around for the card and found it, unopened in the trash can. He pulled it out, and went over to the bed, sitting next to her, by her head. "Alexa, open the card."

"No!" she said. "You can't buy me! I'm_ not _for sale!"

"I don't want to buy you!" Mox protested, "You are your own person!" He remembered how pleased he'd been at Seth's complimenting her cooking and instantly felt guilty. He had been possessive, he had taken a compliment meant for Alexa and let himself feel proud_. Like something I owned did something special_, he thought. _Yeah, this is my Mustang. I rebuilt her and now she does a buck ten in seven seconds!_

"You're damned right I am!" Alexa said, and she didn't even try to keep her voice down, so Seth probably heard it too. "You don't own me, nobody owns me and _nobody ever will own me!_" she continued.

"Right," Mox said, keeping his voice low. "Alexa, I didn't give you the rose, or the card to try to claim ownership, I gave them to you because they're gifts. You can give someone a gift without it being a declaration of ownership."

"Everyone wants something in return when they give you something," she disagreed, but thankfully, her voice was lower now. "Men always think they own women, and they only give you presents to put a claim on you!"

"No," Mox disagreed, but understood where she was coming from. "Some men, yes and those are bad people. Your captors, my captors, they were bad people and they did feel they owned us. But I'm not them. God, Alexa, if you learned one thing, I hope it was that I'm not like them!"

"That's what I thought," she said, and she raised herself up on her good arm, rolling to face him and he could see the tears in her eyes. He almost broke down himself. Alexa didn't cry. The most she seemed to do was get those tears of frustration. But she didn't weep. "But I saw that rose, and all I could think... all I could think..."

"Was that I felt I had the right to embellish what was mine?" Mox asked. "Give you a pretty little flower for your hair?"

"Something like that," she admitted.

"No," Mox shook his head, "I gave you the rose because I thought you'd think it was pretty. That maybe you'd put it in a glass of water and look at it, and appreciate how pretty it was. And honestly? That wasn't even the real gift."

"What?" She sat up, frowning.

He put the card in her hands. "Open it, Alexa, please open it."

She stared at the card, then at him, and she had that wary cornered look, but she finally opened the card. She didn't even bother to read it, just grabbed the paper inside of it and opened it. As she read what was on it, her eyes widened and she looked at me. "You did this for me?"

"Yeah," he said. "The daughter who works there, Summer Rae, she's a personal trainer and she said she's worked with folks who've had broken limbs before. She gave you a list of her available hours on there. The first week, she's going to work with you every day if you're willing to make sure you know how to safely train. Then the next week, three times, then once a week for two months. Your cast will be off by then, and she says she can help you get the strength back in your arm." He reached over and gently rubbed his thumb under her eyes, wiping the tears away. "It's not a gift that says I want to own you, it's a gift that says I know who you are, I know what is important, and a broken arm or not, I'm going to make sure you can continue to be you."

She looked at the papers, reading them again, to make sure they really said what they did. "But... yeah, my arm will be healed in a few weeks. I don't know where I'll go after that!"

"Nowhere," he said. "Nobody is pushing you out. You can stay with Seth and I until you're completely sure your arm is okay. You can stay after that, too if you want. And don't say it's charity, you do plenty for Seth and I to earn your right to stay here. Neither of us are going to kick you out. Even when you go back to underground fighting, you can still live with us."

"Oh, Mox." She reached out to him now, gently touching the scratch on his face. "You're so nice to me, and I scratched you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," he said, and he really felt it was. It was just a little scratch, he'd had far worse before at training and even from her. "I just know now before I give you a rose, to make sure every thorn is gone." He grinned.

"Oh, Mox, I'll never do that again," she said. She reached over to the nightstand and took a tissue out of the box. She wiped the blood off his face, one of the most tender gestures she'd ever done to him since they were Suzie and Timmy.

He put his arms around her, wanting to kiss her, but still afraid. He hoped she would initiate it, but she didn't. She did move around so she was leaning against him, back to belly, and snuggled up to him. _We've only kissed once_, he thought. _ Timmy and Suzie never kissed, that was too... pedestrian. Nobody wanted to see gentle kissing, nobody wanted it to look caring, even the incest freaks who liked to claim that the love they had for their little sister or daughters was pure and natural. It was all bullshit. They wanted to see them get down and dirty and kissing held no place in that._

He sighed, and just snuggled up to her. _Maybe tonight, he thought. Maybe we can break that barrier down tonight_.

.

The three of them did go out for Mexican food, walking to the little place. And Seth said nothing about seeing Alexa hitting Mox with the rose. In fact, all three of them acted like the whole scene had never happened. Alexa did tell him about the work out sessions Mox had gotten for her, and everyone pretended that was it.

.

When they got home and went to bed, she snuggled up to him, again, back to belly, and he put his arm around her. _Turn_, he thought. _ Turn and face me, Alexa, let me kiss you. We'll probably both be terrible at it, but it will be nice to be terrible at something rather than too experienced. Please turn._

She didn't hear his mental command and he thought she might have fallen asleep. He stayed quiet, not moving, trying not to disturb her.

He was almost asleep himself, when she brought her leg up to her chest, then fast as she could, drove it into his shin. "Ouch!" he yelped, automatically moving away from her,

She twisted around and slammed her cast into his chest, then brought her good hand up and used that to punch his shoulder. He lay there, waiting to see what would happen. She kicked him again then brought her knee up between his legs. "I should drive this right into your nuts," she whispered, as if offering some term of endearment. "Over and over again."

"Is that what you want to do?" he asked, his voice calm. _ Would I let her? _ He wondered _Would I just lay here while she hammered her knees into my testicles? Would I try to stop her? When? Would she eventually kill me? When she did, would I finally feel I'd atoned for what I did to her?_

Her eyes narrowed. "It would serve you right!"

"It might," he said.

Then, she pushed herself up and straddled his waist, removing her knee from its place between his legs. She reached down and wrapped her fingers around him and as he expected, he was hard and ready for her. She sighed and raised herself to take him into her.

_Nothing changes,_ he thought for a moment, then he stopped thinking at all, because as it always did, it became wonderful and the blood roared in his ears and this was what he wanted, more than anything else.


	12. Chapter 12

_Survivors of childhood sexual abuse are 10 to 13 times more likely to attempt suicide_

(Plunkett A, O'Toole B, Swanston H, Oates RK, Shrimpton S, Parkinson P 2001)

.

Chapter Twelve

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

"Thank god this day is almost over," Mox muttered, not quite sure if he was talking to himself, or to Seth who was driving. "I just want to get home and forget it happened."

"I know the hot water tank being broken sucked," Seth decided Mox was talking to him. "But the landlord said he'd have it fixed today and Alexa was home to let the plumbers in. Did she text you that they were finished? Or even that they arrived?"

"I don't know," Mox couldn't keep the frustration out of his voice. "I forgot my freakin' cell phone, which did _nothing_ to help my mood."

"Well, if you want to text her to see if we have hot water, you can use my phone," Seth nodded in the direction of the cup holder where his cell phone sat.

"No, I'll find out soon enough," he muttered.

While the hot water situation and forgetting his cell phone was bad, the worst was Coach Taylor looking at him when he was done with his warm up and calling him out. "Mox, get over here."

He did, wondering if he'd done something wrong. He couldn't guess what it was. Warm up was pretty easy, they did drill work, things like jumping jacks, running in place, push ups, sit ups, stuff to get the heart going before hitting the weights. He knew he hadn't screwed any of that up.

"Is everything all right?" he asked the Coach, wishing he didn't sound so wussy. His stage persona wasn't wussy. But he thought Coach Taylor wouldn't appreciate him strolling up and mouthing off.

"As far as your work goes, it's great," Coach said. "But it's this I'm worried about." He pointed to Mox's legs that were covered with bruises, some fresh, some getting that green and yellow look. "And, because you've started wearing a t-shirt when you work out, I suspect you've got some on your chest, back, or both. What's going on? We work you, and bruises are part of the game, but not that many and not that frequently. This isn't a couple bruises you got one day because you were a little clumsy, these are a lot of bruises, gotten over a long period of time. Is something going on you need to tell me about?"

_According to my girlfriend, it's foreplay_. He should have been thinking of excuses, but he hadn't. "I-I don't know," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "They don't hurt or anything," he added, which was a lie. It was nothing he couldn't handle, but a number of them did have that aching feeling, like whatever part they were on were having a minor headache.

Coach Taylor studied him carefully. "I want you to go to medical."

Mox wasn't going to argue. He reported to medical, where he was poked a few times, asked several questions about his diet and other seemingly trivial things and had blood drawn, which would be sent to a lab that day. He found himself wishing the Nurse Practitioner would have asked him, "Do you and your partner play a few S&M games?" Because then he could have said, "Yes, we do." But to say it would be embarrassing. _My girlfriend likes to beat on me a bit before we get started. I know it's weird, but it's our thing, so let's just leave it at that._ He felt bad lying. Especially when they told him he could go back to training, but if he felt at all fatigued, he should sit down for a few moments, and if that didn't work, report back to medical.

He knew word had gone around among the trainers and coaches, because no one pushed him today, no one yelled, "Is that the best you got, Mox? And here I heard you were tough." Instead, everyone seemed to be taking it easy on him. He did a lot of practice promotion work, which he really didn't need and he knew it was because they were worried about him. He just prayed the tests would show everything was normal and everyone would leave it alone.

_Jesus wept, had I known all this was going to go down, I would have worn sweatpants!_ But, he'd been finding the shirt sweaty enough, he could imagine how hot and tiring it would be to be wearing sweatpants. _Maybe I need to get a suit like the Undertaker or Kane? I'd still need a long sleeved shirt to wear over it._

Seth had asked why he'd been singled out after warm ups, and Mox had told him a half lie that one of his blood tests for the sign up physical had gotten screwed up so they needed to retake it. Seth didn't question it, and Mox was glad. If he'd talked about the bruising, Seth would have figured it out. After seeing Alexa slap that rose across his face, he'd taken to staring at Mox's bruises and Mox knew what he was thinking.

When they got home, the house smelled like chicken and onions and Seth went right over to the counter and pulled the lid off the crock pot. "She made that thing with the chicken and vegetables," he said, looking positively gleeful. Then he hurried over to the sink and turned the faucet on. "And we've got hot water again!"

Mox nodded, but he was listening elsewhere. Alexa was heading to the kitchen, but she was also talking to someone and it didn't sound like a friendly conversation. "No, you listen to _me_, you fucking bitch. I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want, but don't you ever call this fucking number again, do you understand?"

She walked into the kitchen and Mox saw with horror, she was talking on his phone. "No, I won't give him a message, I told you that before you trashy little whore. And I will erase every text you send, and I'll answer every call you make so you can't leave voicemail. _Fuck off!"_

"Alexa!" Mox came closer to screaming at her than he ever had before, in three strides he was across the room and tried to pull the phone out of her hands. _Who is she talking to? Not Mom, please don't let it be mom. Or Donna, or Amber, or better, let it be a wrong number!_

Alexa dodged his grab, and turned, swiping the phone to turn it off.

"Alexa, give me my phone!" Mox said.

Alexa glared at him. "Don't you _dare_ get upset with me!" she ordered, handing him the phone. "_I'm_ not the one who's fucking around."

"I swear to god, I am not fucking around, Alexa!" he said. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Seth slinking out of the room. He looked at the screen to see who the caller had been and groaned. "Alexa, Raven and I are just friends. She's like a little sister, for god's sake!"

"Uh-huh," Alexa said, and her eyes narrowed. "Well, I was supposed to be your little sister once, if I remember, and you had no problems fucking me!"

"That's unfair and you know it," Mox said, fighting the flush of shame and anger that roared through him whenever he thought of the movies he'd made with Little Suzie. "When I met Raven, she wasn't interested... intimate relationships. For all I know she still feels that way. I was celibate by choice back then and we hit it off, we became friends."

"And both fixed that little celibacy problem?" Alexa seethed.

It was too much after the day he'd had. First he'd had to go to medical because of her, and now he might have lost one of his best friends. He wasn't going to sit down and be insulted and humiliated by her. "Alexa, I'm going for a walk," he said, his teeth clenched. "I need to get away."

"Be sure you take your phone so you can call your cyberfuck!" she called after him as he slammed the door behind him.

.

He walked down the street, to the little shopping center. For a moment, he was tempted to go to the beer isle. and grab a six pack, but he couldn't exactly sit outside and drink beer, and beer was on the "Really shouldn't drink that" list. So was wine and that's all you could sell in grocery stores. So, he bought a cup of Mountain Dew he'd poured from the soda area and a banana. When he was paying, he stared at the cigarettes, almost tempted to buy a pack, something he hadn't wanted to do since he first moved in with the Reigns and Dad had taken him to the doctor. But, he was able to resist that temptation.

Outside were three benches, two in front and one at the side. He went over to the side and looked at his phone. He had plenty of bars, so he called Raven.

Raven answered but not with her usual, "Hey Mox!" "Listen you little-"

"It's me, Rave, it's me."

He heard a whooshing escape of breath from her lungs. "Mox, who the hell was I talking to today?"

"Uh, her name is Alexa, she's staying with me, because she has a broken arm." _It is the truth_, he thought_. I don't have to tell her I'm having sex with her. _

"She told me you and her were in a relationship," Raven said, and Mox could hear the heat still simmering behind the words. "I tried to tell her I didn't care if you're both fucking on the front lawn of the White House every night, while all the members of Congress were playing _'Happy Days Are Here Again'_ on the Kazoo. I _said_ I was just a friend and she kept going off on me."

"She's a little possessive," Mox said.

"No shit, ya _think?"_ Raven snapped.

"I'm sorry," The weird thing was that Mox had no idea she felt possessive towards him. I mean, they hadn't even sat down and agreed they were only seeing each other. For all he knew, she left the house every day and met some other guy and had sex with him. He hoped she didn't, but they never formally said she couldn't.

"You don't owe me an apology, she does," Raven said, the anger in her voice slowly slipping away. "and I think I have about as much chance of that as I have of winning the WWE World Heavyweight championship tomorrow before breakfast."

"Where are you wrestling, now?" Mox asked to change the subject.

"I go from here to there," Raven admitted. "I was in Japan recently."

"That's cool," Mox said and he meant it. Japan had some great wrestling.

"Yeah, it was fun. And, because I speak Japanese, I had a bit of an edge. Being completely unable to write it screwed me over a few times." Raven gave a short laugh, then grew serious. "Look, Mox, despite what your girlfriend accused me of, I only called for two reasons, one to see how you were doing."

"I'm doing good," Mox said, taking a sip from the cup of soda.

"Except that you have lousy taste in women," Raven said. "Sorry, that was rude."

"No, it's okay," Mox said. "It sounds like she was really out of control today. It's natural that you'd have a bad impression of her. She-she's been through a lot in her life, you know?"

"Oh," Raven said, and then went quiet. Raven wasn't stupid and she had been a big supporter when all the shit about his past was going down in the media. Mox thought he could hear her brain working and putting it all together.

_Shit, this isn't what I want to happen! _ "And what's the second reason?"

Raven hesitated, something she rarely did and Mox got worried. _She's trying to find the right words_. "Just spill it, Rave."

"Okay, I heard from May, who heard it from Roman that you haven't been to your parents place for dinner in over a month."

_Had it really been that long?_ Mox recalled calling his folks a couple times to let him know he wouldn't be up on Sunday because he was so tired from working all week. But it didn't seem like he'd been doing it all the time. Then he realized the last time he'd been up there, was when he went with Alexa. _I've been avoiding Dad because he doesn't approve of Alexa_. Still, it seemed odd that Raven would be calling to chastise him. He would have expected a call from Lance or Sefa, using the excuse that Mom was worried they hadn't seen him lately. But _Raven?_ And _May _told her? Since when did family dinner become such a big deal? A wave of dread, cold as ice, rolled over him. "Is Lance okay?"

"Lance is fine," Raven said. "But you're catching on, there's something going on in your family and they were hoping to see you to talk about it. And it's important enough that I'm calling you to tell you."

"Raven, you're _scaring_ me. What's going on?" He had the cup in his hand as if to take another sip, but it was as if his arm was frozen.

"I don't really know," Raven admitted. "May knows, but she and Roman are close and we both know it. But she wouldn't tell me, she just asked me to try to persuade you to come."

"I'll call and let them know I'll be up this weekend," Mox said.

"Good. And Mox?"

"Yeah?"

"Whatever it is, it's family. So, I'm going to suggest you leave your girlfriend home, unless you're engaged or something." Raven said. "Honestly, I'd leave Seth home too. I know you and Roman consider him to be a brother, but he's not a son to Sefa and Jen, and technically, he's _not_ your brother."

.

He called his family right after he and Raven hung up. He thought about calling the home phone, but then changed his mind and called Sefa's cell phone.

Sefa answered it on the second ring, "Mox!" he said, his voice sounding happy to be hearing from him. Hell, it sounded damned near jovial_._

_Yeah, something is wrong_, Mox thought. "Hey Dad, look, I'm sorry I've been a shit lately, I shouldn't have waited so long, but I'd love it if I could come to Sunday dinner. That is, if I'm invited."

"Mox, you are always invited," Sefa said. "Talk about timing, I was thinking about calling you and asking if you were okay. Glad to know you are."

"Yeah, I'm just great," Mox said. "And I'll be up Sunday, I promise."

"Good," Sefa's voice still sounded so carefree and happy that it was unnatural and Mox could sense it was killing him to keep it up. "You think you'll bring Seth or perhaps another friend?"

_He means Alexa, _ "No," Mox said, trying to make his own voice sound just as carefree. "I thought it would just be me."

"Well, we look forward to seeing you. Your Mom will be delighted!"

.

When he returned home, he was too worried to argue with Alexa. He let her yell at him about Raven, saying nothing. And he let her beat on him that night, as hard as she wanted.

The only thing he did not do was have sex with her. He just wasn't in the mood and nothing would get him there. She finally gave up, moved on the bed as far away from him as possible, as if he were radioactive and fell asleep.

.

The next day as they were heading to FCW, he asked Seth if he could borrow the car Sunday and explained that something was up with his family, that he had no idea what it was, but he had better go up alone. Seth quickly agreed.

Alexa got her cast off that day too, which he felt bad about, because he should have been more excited but all he was able to do was to pretend to be very excited, assuring her as Summer had, that she would build it back up in no time at all. And smiling when she talked about how wonderful it was to be able to scratch and not to have to go through rubber gloves and trash bags in order to work with water.

The rest of the week passed in a blur. Training, eating and sleeping. He and Alexa had sex at least once, and managed to perform with enough satisfaction that Alexa wasn't upset. But, he felt outside of himself while it was happening, which was a familiar feeling to him. Well, maybe not to him. But to Timmy it was old home week. Fucking on autopilot.

.

He knew Alexa wouldn't be happy about not being included in Sunday dinner, and he just wasn't up to explaining it to her. So, he took the coward's way out and left before she woke up. He left a note for her, which he knew wouldn't calm her down, even though it was the truth. Something big was up with his family and he felt he had to go there and it was serious enough that he felt he should go alone. He also left her cash so if she and Seth decided to go to one of the restaurants close enough to walk to, she could get something to eat.

Leaving so early, meant that he got there early. He saw Lance's car there, which surprised him. Lance was still in college, but he had been going to ESU so he could wrestle in ESW. New York wasn't close enough to just drive home for the weekend, and ESW held shows every Saturday night. Roman's car was there too, but that wasn't surprising, Roman probably flew to training and left his car at home, knowing it was hard to have a car on the road.

The SUV for the camp was there, but the smaller Honda their mother drove was gone, which made Mox assume that Mom had gone to church. Maybe with Marc, if Noella had decided to stay home with the twins, both of them way too rambunctious to tolerate church.

He walked into the mudroom calling out, "Hey, I'm home!" He went to the kitchen, expecting to see Sefa and Lance, heads bent over Lance's latest and greatest laptop, studying the videos from the previous night's show.

Instead the table was empty, except for two mugs and a plate with two cinnamon rolls on it. Sefa and Lance both rose when they saw him, Lance running over and throwing his arms around him. Hugging him tightly.

A little _too_ tightly. As if Mox was a lifeline he desperately needed. Mox hugged him back, looking over at Sefa, who was on his feet, smiling and saying how happy he was to see him and wasn't it great he showed up early.

"Yeah," Mox said, when Lance had released his stranglehold on him. "So, uh, how's it going?"

"It's...going," Sefa said, giving his son a hug. He motioned to the plate on the table. "Look, Cinnamon rolls." He walked over to the coffee pot and poured a mug of coffee for Mox.

"Since when are there cinnamon rolls by the time breakfast is halfway finished, never mind by the time Mom's off at church?" Mox asked, sitting down at his old place, the chair next to Roman's, where Sefa had put his coffee cup.

"Your mom made extra knowing you love them," Sefa said.

"And you two didn't snarf them the moment she went to church?" Mox knew whatever was going on was serious. "Knowing I would cover for you? What the heck, guys, what's going _on?" _

Lance looked away, staring at the wall, refusing to look at Mox. Sefa looked down at the table. "I didn't want to tell you until after dinner," he said. "Your mom and brother made me promise we could have a Sunday dinner."

"Well, I think that's blown out of the water," Mox said. "Considering the way you two are acting, it's pretty clear nothing normal is going on. And which brother? I don't think it's Lance, because he's doing a terrible job of avoiding looking at me. Marc?"

Sefa drew in a deep breath. "Roman."

"Roman's home?" For a moment, Mox's heart rose. He never seemed to have enough time to spend with Roman. Then he frowned. "Wait a moment, Roman is _home?_ Why?" His mind poured over the texts they'd sent each other. They were usually brief, but Mox was busy with training and Roman was supposed to be too.

"He went to Minnesota for his physical," Sefa said. "And, well, uh..."

That's when Lance looked over at Mox, eyes filled with tears. "He's got cancer!" he burst out. "Leukemia, just like I did!"

Mox's coffee cup, which he'd been holding, preparing to sip from, slipped from his hands and fell onto the table. It didn't break, but it did fall on the side, spilling hot coffee on the table and down into his lap.

* * *

Author's Notes: Some may consider this a spoiler, but in these times, I don't think it is. Roman does have cancer in this story, but he won't die of it. The reasons why I gave it to him will become clearer as the story goes on, but no, I'm not going to kill him.

Not much else to say. We're doing our best to stay safe, and I hope you are as well. I still wish people would stop hoarding all the paper products and disinfectant cleaners, but I don't think that's going to happen until we have a vaccine and everyone's gotten it.


	13. Chapter 13

_They say laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have cancer, in which case chemotherapy is much more effective._

Unknown.

.

**Chapter 13**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

It was Sefa that ended up getting a towel so Mox could clean up the spilled coffee and he also suggested Mox might want to go upstairs and put on some clean pants.

"No," Mox shook his head as he mopped up the coffee. "What is going _on?_ What do you mean Roman has cancer?" He almost added, but managed to bite his tongue,_ Lance is the one who gets cancer, not Roman. Roman is supposed to have the magical bone marrow that _cures_ cancer_.

"Yes," Sefa said, planting one palm on the table, a gesture Mox knew to mean, _My word is law, boy._ And considering how close Sefa was to cracking about Roman, he was pulling it off pretty well.

Mox knew he would learn nothing until he had done as requested. Showing the only sign of defiance he felt he could get away from, he flung the towel on the table, leaving it up to Sefa to take care of, then ran upstairs.

He still had a few clothes at home, so he changed into a clean pair of jeans and ran downstairs. When he sat back down, the cloth he had used to mop up the coffee was gone, and his cup had been filled again. "What is going on?" he demanded, sitting down.

Sefa looked at the clock. "Roman and your mom will be home soon, so I'll turn the floor over to Lance, because he can explain better than I can." He looked back at Mox, "Lance is transferring to University of Florida, because it's a good school and he'll be closer to home." Lance nodded.

Mox could see the dark circles under his eyes and Sefa's too. _ This is killing them,_ Mox thought. _I'm in too much shock right now to be dying from this news, but I have a feeling I will be, soon. First Lance, now Roman? Fuckity, fuck fuck FUCK._ "Is it AML?" He knew that was the type of cancer Lance had.

Lance nodded. "Yeah. And if that's not enough, it's not the easiest type either. He's got an inversion of chromosome 3 _and_ an abnormality in chromosome 11."

Mox wanted to ask what the hell _ that _meant, but realized in his shock, he wasn't going to get it and it really didn't matter. Mox wasn't Roman's doctor. "How was it discovered?"

Sefa sighed. "Your mother and I were idiots," he said.

"So, you're saying you _gave_ it to him?" Mox asked, staring at his father. "You and mom messed up and that's how Roman got AML?"

"He just wants to blame himself," Lance said. "I get it, I do too. This summer when he was working here, he got bruised a lot. He was saying that the wrestlers he was working with were a little too rough. And he wasn't talking about being tired, although later, he did tell us he'd been more tired than usual."

Mox thought about the last time he'd seen Roman, the day Alexa blasted him about calling May "Baby girl." Roman had looked okay, or at least he thought so. But _had_ he? Had Mox seen dark circles under his eyes and dismissed it to something else? Maybe driving to meet May on his day off in some distant place and not getting enough sleep? _I was so caught up in myself and Alexa I can't remember anything about Roman that day. Except that I don't remember seeing anything wrong._ "Okay, we'll all play the blame game later," Mox said. "How did you find out he had it?"

"He had to have a physical before football camp, they do that every year," Lance explained. "The blood workup showed something was wrong. Of course the Vikings 'released him from his contract' and he came home. Mom and Dad took him to the doctor, who did some tests and sent him to an Oncologist who did things like a bone marrow test. He's been in for his first round of induction chemo. I could give you the breakdown of what they gave him, if you want to know?"

_You're learning, kid_, Mox couldn't help but think. Lance was sort-of known for blurting information first and not realizing it was totally unnecessary information for everyone to know. "Maybe later, when I'm not freaking out," he said.

Lance nodded, wiping his eyes. "This isn't like the chemo you think of from TV and movies. He doesn't sit in a room on a chair and get his treatment, he has to stay in the hospital for several days for treatment. Then, they check and make sure he's healthy enough to come home. He was able to come home this time, but he has to go back in four weeks. But," Lance hesitated. "I'm not sure if I was his doctor, I would have let him come home. He's got so many side effects from this, including vomiting. I mean, he doesn't look super bad now, but he doesn't look super healthy either. To be honest, I think Mom and Roman's idea that we'll all have a normal dinner with you in the dark is... " out of habit, he looked around quickly, as if he expected his mother to pop out from around the corner, "Bullshit._"_.

_I want to ask what his chances of making it through this are,_ Mox thought. _But I am terrified of the answer. I have to work up the courage for that one._ "What do I do?" he asked. "Pretend we're not having this conversation? I don't know if I can do that."

"No," Sefa shook his head. "They'll realize what is going on. And both of them are going to want to talk to you too. Marc and Noella might too, or they might not. They have each other and the kids. I mean, they're scared too, but a couple of toddlers is a great distraction."

"Who do I talk to first?" Mox asked, now feeling shock and bewilderment. He'd come home expecting to be a little hangdog over his lack of visits and now it seemed like the family had been imploding while he was off getting laid.

Sefa smiled. "Probably your mother. She's got dinner planned for a couple hours after she and Roman are home. So, you two can talk and by the time you're done, she'll need to do the finishing work and you can talk to Roman."

Mox sniffed, realizing the oven was on. _ Turkey,_ he thought. _We're having Roman's favorite_. Usually Jen made one of his favorites when he was coming, but he remembered Roman telling him how hard it was to get Lance to eat when he was on chemo.

.

Roman looked bad. So bad that Mox was amazed that their mother had even entertained the idea that they could pull off a family dinner before he would know something was wrong. All it took was one look. He was pale, closer in color to Mox than his own family. He was wearing a stocking cap in the house, a black one, and Jen sure wasn't telling him, "No hats in the house!" her usual response. There were dark bruises around his eyes, and he looked...

Haunted.

That was the best word for it, _haunted_. Like there was something going on inside, not just the cancer, but a fight with himself over something. He was haunted and scared. But only his eyes showed it. He smiled when he saw Mox. "Hey Bro, long time no see!" He hugged Mox and Mox noticed it wasn't one of his usual, fierce hugs that sent a message, I am here to protect you. Nobody will ever fuck with you again, not while I'm around. Now Mox hugged him back, being extra gentle, but he wanted to hug Roman like he used to hug him. Tightly. _He_ wanted to be the one to say with his hug, _I am here for you. Whatever you want, whatever you need, if it is in my power, I will find a way to make sure you get it._ But Roman looked so fragile, Mox was scared of breaking him.

While he was hugging Roman, their Mom didn't even wait, which was strange behavior, usually she couldn't wait to hug Mox and then pull back and scrutinize him, to judge if he was too skinny or might look a little too tired. This time, she slipped out of the room, saying something about wanting to change out of her church clothes.

It gave Mox the perfect excuse. "I'm gonna go say hi to Mom," he said, after a few minutes of awkward small talk. Everyone was still playing the game of, "We all know what we all know, but we'll pretend Mox doesn't know and Mox will go along with it." Mox figure he'd given her enough time to change out of her church clothes.

When he got upstairs, the door to the master bedroom was open, but Jen wasn't there. Mox headed up the hall, thinking she might be in Roman and his room, but when he walked past Lance's room, he saw her.

She was changing the sheets on the bed Lance had. The double bed that was adjustable. The bed that had mysteriously arrived as a gift when Lance had cancer. Now that he thought about it, when he'd gone upstairs to change his pants, Roman's side of the room contained a lot more books than it normally did. And Mox didn't know why, but this hit him harder than anything else so far. _This is the hospital room. Roman is so sick he's got to have the sick bed. Lance is staying in our room_.

"Can I help?" he asked softly, walking into the room.

Jen whirled around, holding the top sheet bundled in a ball in her hands. "No, I'm fine," she said, smiling brightly.

He could see over her shoulder that there were stains on the bottom sheet mostly at the edge. And now that he thought about it, there was a sour odor in the room. _Vomit,_ he thought. _The room smells like he vomited and it's all been cleaned up but this part, and the smell hasn't dissipated yet._ "Mom," he said, coming closer. "I know."

She didn't ask what he knew, because that would have been stupid. Instead she just broke down, dropping the balled up top sheet on the floor so she could bury her face in her hands, as if that would stop the tears.

"Mom," Mox said, shaking his head and kicking the sheet away from her. He wanted to come up with some wise words to say, to tell her that he was here, and even though he was feeling ripped apart by this, he hadn't been carrying the burden as long as she had, so he was a little stronger. _Let me be your strength, Mom, he thought. I might not be able to do it for long, but for right now, let me be the one to hold you up for once._

But the words just lumped in his throat and he found himself swallowing. There really were no words that would help, so he did the next best thing, he wrapped his arms around Jen, the woman who had been his mother before it became official. Probably the first person in the Reign's household to see him as someone who needed to be loved. Even back in the days when he was so scared of being touched, he had found the walls breaking down easier with her and Roman. They had to ask first, but he rarely didn't let them hug him.

She hugged him back, and now the tears came, along with the sobs, along with the words. "I'm so scared," she wept. "It was hard enough watching Lance go through this. It's hard enough realizing that even if Lance is a survivor, it still might come back. How do I live with that with two of my children? How do I live knowing there is a good chance I'll see two of my children in the grave before I am?"

He didn't answer because there was no answer. "Mom, we'll get through it," he said instead. "Roman is strong. We're all strong, we will carry him through this. And he will beat it, because he's a Reigns. Lance was strong enough to beat it, and Roman is stronger." He was tempted to say he'd fight and win, but he remembered Lance once telling him how much he hated it when Cancer was spoken about in terms of being a battle and a war and that those who were still alive were winning while those who died of it had lost.

"It just makes it sound like people who survive are strong people and those who don't were weak and if they'd just tried a little harder," Lance explained, going off on one of his tirades. "Cancer doesn't play _fair,_ it doesn't give a shit about how strong you are or how determined you are, and it sure as hell doesn't care if you have a positive attitude. I've met other kids who thought they were going to beat it until the day they died. People use those terms like 'fighter' and 'battle' and 'hero' because it makes them feel better. I'm not a hero. Having cancer doesn't make you a hero. Dying of cancer doesn't mean you're a loser. Having cancer means you're _sick_. Dying of cancer means that the cancer got too strong. Calling me a hero makes it sound like I stood before some God of Horrible Shit and said, 'give it to me! Let some other children never know this pain, I shall carry it instead.' That's bullshit. If there had been such a thing, I would have looked at that God and said, 'Not me!'"

And while Mox had understood exactly what Lance meant, it was so hard to come up with words that didn't make it seem like a battle. Because Cancer was a bastard who didn't play fair. "We're a family," he said, "And we'll do everything we can to see Roman through this journey, and make sure we can guide him back to us when it's over. He will come through this." What he didn't add was, Because If he doesn't, I don't know what the fuck we'll do.

He helped his mother change the bed, putting a fresh mattress cover and fresh sheets on it. He noted, but didn't mention that the sheet covers were plastic on one side and a thick flannel like material on the other. No doubt so body fluid stains wouldn't ruin the mattress. While they worked, he started doing silly things like pretending the sheets could talk. As they unfurled the top sheet, he said in a high pitched voice, "Oh, thank you! I got so cramped being all folded up like that! Ah, now I can breathe!"

She didn't laugh, but she did give him a watery smile, which he thought was pretty good, all things considered.

.

He took the sheets downstairs and put them in the washer and dryer, following Jen's instructions about how much soap and bleach. The sheets were extra thick, white sheets, and Mox knew they were bought to be able to deal with a lot of bleaching. He put them on the sanitize cycle, added the necessary soap and bleach and went into the kitchen. Jen had told him it would be at least an hour before dinner, so he looked at Roman, who was talking to Lance. And Lance appeared to be hanging onto every word his brother said as if it were the wisdom of the ages, or some advanced scientific theory. _Yeah, Lance, I get it, _he thought,_ but maybe you ought to cut this shit out. You too, Dad. It's just one big reminder to him. _

"Hey Rome, are you up for a short walk before dinner?" he asked. "Like to the ring?" He didn't have to say which ring of the many at the camp, everyone knew when Mox said "the ring" he meant his favorite one, the outdoor ring, closest to the house.

"I don't know-" Sefa began and Roman quickly interrupted.

"Sure, that sounds great, I could use some fresh air." He smiled gratefully at his brother. "They were using way too much incense in Church today that I can still smell it."

.

They walked slowly to the ring, and Mox pretended the pace was normal. He could tell the walk was tiring his brother. _Tiring_ him. Roman who played football, who regularly threw himself into huge folks and knocked them to the ground as if they were toy soldiers. This same guy, breathing hard on a short walk as if he'd been smoking three packs of cigarettes a day all his life.

When they got to the ring and sat down, bodies leaning on the bottom rope, feet dangling over the apron, like they had done hundreds of times, Mox decided not to speak, he just reached over and pulled the cap off Roman's head. He wasn't completely bald, but the skin on the top of his skull was very visible, giving him the appearance of one of those middle aged men who were balding, but grew what was left of their hair as long as they could, as if this would fool someone. "Well, soon enough, Lance won't be able to insist you keep your hair long," he said, shrugging.

Roman laughed and it was genuine and warm and sounded like Before Cancer Roman. "Sooner than you think. Now that you know, I'm going to shave my head. It's so long now, that it falls out and makes a mess everywhere. Lance wants to shave his too, like I did for him, but I keep telling him I'm an adult, I don't need him to do that."

"Let him if he wants to," Mox suggested. "Right now, he just wants to do something for you."

"Tell me about it!" Roman rolled his eyes. "He transferred to FSU because of me. The family tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen. He wanted to drop out of college completely, but I told him if he did that, I would be unable to forgive myself if I make it out of this alive."

"That worked, obviously."

Roman nodded. It's not like FSU is a bad school, it's actually ranked up there with the Ivy League schools for education quality. So, I can live with that. Well, I think I can live with that. I'm not sure if I can live with a lot of shit for much longer."

"Do you think you're going to die?" Mox asked, feeling like he'd just swallowed a cup of crushed ice and his guts were freezing and he was getting one of those ice cold headaches. Lance could talk about how a positive attitude didn't mean anything all he wanted, but Mox did not want Roman to think he was going to die. He wanted Roman to think he was going to survive.

Roman shrugged. "I don't know, to be honest," he said. "It's certainly a possibility, and considering how well I did with the first round of Chemo, I'm pretty sure there will be times when I wish I were dead. But, sometimes you have to suffer to find your way to the other side."

"Other side being death?" That stomach full of crushed ice started to feel like it was sliding down into his intestines, still frozen.

"Other side meaning whatever goes on when this is over." Again, Roman shrugged. "Yeah, having cancer sucks. I mean, it _really_ sucks. Even if I go into full remission, my football career is over. If that isn't bad enough, the chemo they're giving me might make me sterile so before I started chemo I had to jack it into a cup a few times so they could freeze it, and I'm not even sure I want to use it, because it feels like cancer has a thing about my family. But that isn't the worst, not by a long shot. The worst thing is that I feel like I've let my family down."

Of all the things Roman might have said, that was on the bottom of Mox's list. "Let us _down?"_ he asked. "How can getting cancer let us down? Do you think when Lance had cancer, he was letting all of you down?"

Roman shook his head. "No, at least not like you're thinking. I'm not saying that anyone thinks that me or Lance woke up and said, 'ya know what would rock my socks off? Cancer. I'm a gonna go get me some cancer!'"

His imitation of a Hollywood hillbilly was dead on and Mox couldn't stop the quick burst of laughter. And when Roman grinned, he was glad he'd done it. Roman needed to know he could still make people laugh, because he was making too many folks cry.

"It's more that I'm unable to be what they want me to be," Roman said going back to serious mode. "I was going to be the big football star. You know, work the pros, and when I got too old for that, become a sports announcer for the big time, or become the sportscaster on a news show. I mean, I got my degree in business management, and there was always going to be that to fall back on and now... I can't make any plans. Mom and Dad are scared to imagine my future, because part of that means I might not have one. And Lance," he paused to shake his head. "Our baby brother is going to drown himself in guilt."

"Why?"

"Because he can't help me like I helped him," Roman said. "Bone marrow or stem cell transplants might be able to help me. And he'd likely be as perfect a match for me as I was for him, but he's had chemo so he's off limits. Times have changed, so they took some of my blood, again, before chemo and got the stem cells out. They'll treat it for the cancer, then freeze it to give me later." Roman turned his head from Mox as if he was intensely interested in something going on down at the mess hall. When Mox looked too, and realized there was nothing to see, he was momentarily surprised, then it hit him.

"Wait!" Mox shook his head. "Does the fact that you donated bone marrow to Lance mean _he's_ more likely to get it again, too?"

Roman looked back at him, and his eyes were shining. "I don't know," he admitted. "My Oncologist says he's pretty sure by this point, it won't affect Lance, but he might be lying. Lance says there isn't enough evidence to make a judgement, but honestly, he could be blowing smoke too. If there is one thing you learn with cancer, it's that_ everyone_ will bullshit you. Like, even Lance. Lance who always insisted when he had cancer that people be honest with him, I suspect he's making things out to be better than they are with me."

"If he is," Mox said, "It's not really to blow smoke up your ass, he's doing it because he can't bring himself to think about losing you. He's not doing it to hurt you, he's doing it to protect himself."

"You're right," Roman said and shook his head. "I just.. I don't know if I'm going to make it out of this alive. I want to, and I'll do what I can. Lance might not like the war symbolism, but this time I'm the one with Cancer, and I say I'm going to kick it to the ground and curb stomp that son-of-a-bitch. I'm going to do everything in my power to make Leukemia regret it ever decided to mess with me. This_ is_ a battle to me, and I will beat it."

"I know you will," Mox said, but he wasn't sure if he was trying to assure Roman or himself. "So what can I do, bro? How can I help?"

Roman smiled. "Be my bro, you know? Be here for me and try to be strong. Marc is being strong about it, but he can't take the whole burden. But Mom, Dad, and Lance? This is tearing them apart. I know it's tearing you, too, but I also know you've endured enough crap in your life that you can help me deal with this. Let me bitch to you, tell you how unfair cancer is and how much chemo sucks. You can tell me I'm being a pussy. Text me and tell me things about your life and don't always start with, 'are you okay?' Just be Mox, you know? And try to treat me like I'm Regular Roman Reigns, not Stricken With Cancer Roman Reigns. Can you do that?"

_No_, Mox wanted to say,_ Fuck no_. But he knew if he did that, he'd be letting Roman's cancer become all about him and it wasn't supposed to be that way. _Roman's in the bulls-eye_, Mox thought. _We can piss and moan all we want, but not to him. He's dead center of this shit storm_. "I can't say I'll always succeed," he finally said, "But I'll sure as hell try."

"That's all I can ask for."

* * *

Author's Notes: So sorry I was late this week.

It's hard for me to get online. So much news and so much of it not very encouraging. I'm considered immune compromised and if I get COVID-19 I'll quite likely die of it. My husband has lung problems so he's likely to as well. And he's a necessary worker, so the odds he'll bring it home and we'll both get it, are high.

I get it, we're bored and want this to be over. But if you think that all it's going to take is to unlock the country and carry on as normal? You're pretty much saying people like myself and my husband deserve to die.


	14. Chapter 14

_Childhood sexual abuse infringes on the basic rights of human beings. Children should be able to have sexual experiences at the appropriate developmental time and within their control and choice. The nature and dynamics of sexual abuse and sexually abusive relationships are often traumatic. When sexual abuse occurs in childhood it can hinder normal social growth and be a cause of many different psychosocial problems._

Maltz 2002 From Article 19 American Counseling The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse: Counseling Implications by Melisa Hall and Joshua Hall.

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**Chapter Fourteen**

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{o}-{o}-{o}

Dinner went a little better than Mox thought it would, which wasn't much because his expectations had been low. But nobody burst into tears, not even Jen. Instead she spent most of her time urging Roman to eat more, to the point where Mox knew Roman was getting irritated, but pretending he wasn't. He was eating a fair bit of turkey, Mox noticed, which was good, but Jen was urging him to eat the sides, stuffing, mashed potatoes, or homemade rolls.

"You know Roman, Mom," Mox finally said to Jen, trying to ease the tension between the two of them, "While the rest of us are pigging out on the stuffing, he's snarfing on the turkey. Heck, you could just cook two Turkeys for Thanksgiving and plop one down in front of Roman. He'll be delighted."

Roman's expression was almost too grateful as he looked over at Mox. _This can't go on_, Mox thought, _I know this is a terrible situation, but if Roman doesn't make it out of this alive, do we really want these last days to be all of us mourning him? If it were me, I'd want to go out with my last memories of my family being normal, not constantly crying and the reason being me._

Noella and Marc weren't there either, and some excuses made about Marc volunteering to work with a couple students who were having a hard time, and the twins acting up a bit, so Noella was staying with them, but Mox knew that was crap. _Too much damned sad around here_ he thought, _The twins are so young they won't get it._

Sefa's cellphone rang as the meal was almost over, which almost made Mox jump out of his seat. Cell Phones were never allowed at the dinner table, it was one of Jen's unbreakable rules. But neither she nor anyone else said anything as Sefa left the kitchen and headed to his office to take the call.

.

By the time Sefa returned, the whole pretense of dinner was over. Jen spoke of leftovers for Mox to take home, and Mox agreed to take home some of the side dishes, but not any turkey. If Roman could hold down turkey? Then he sure wasn't going to take any away from him.

"Hey," Sefa said, sounding casual, which only served to make him seem more suspect. Of what, Mox wasn't sure, but something. "I have to go talk to Marc, but I'll be back."

"I'm going with you," Mox said, "I'd like a chance to see my oldest brother before I leave. Maybe even Noella and the twins, too, if you were headed to the house."

Sefa looked at him as if he wanted to protest, but Mox was already on his feet heading to the door. Sefa hesitated, but only for a moment, then followed. But once they were outside and away from the house, Mox looked at him. "What's wrong, Dad? I mean, besides the whole fuck cancer thing, what's _wrong?"_

"Nothing," Sefa said, "It's just camp business. So, what did you and Roman talk about?"

_Nice subject change there, Dad_ "How cancer sucks and how Roman doesn't mind the fighting and battle terms because that's exactly how he looks at it. Lance may see it as a journey, but Roman sees it as a war. "

"How do you feel?" Sefa asked. "I know Roman has been trying not to use those terms around Lance."

"You know I love Lance, he's my baby brother," Mox said, "but in all honesty, fuckhim_. _The person who actually has cancer has the right to define it in any terms they want. So, if Roman wants to think of this as a battle he's fighting, then Lance can suck it up."

That earned him a chuckle from Sefa and it was sweet to hear after all the thick tension going on. "You lay it on the line, son. You got that from yours truly. I've told Lance the same thing."

"What we need to do is to get Lance to tell Roman it's okay," Mox said, feeling that glow he always felt in his stomach whenever Sefa, Jen, or any family member talked like he'd always been part of the family. Most of his life, an unusual feeling in his stomach was when he picture rolling all his rage, sadness, anger, and every other negative emotion into a hard ball and shoving it deep inside of him. He still felt himself picturing that from time to time, but whenever something happened to give him that warm glow, he saw it as heat that started melting those balls. _Someday, they might all be gone._

.

When they got to Marc and Noella's house, Mox felt as if he was shuffled off to the playroom to visit with Laki and Arihi much too quickly, so the other adults could sit at the kitchen table and talk. He didn't protest too much, because he liked playing with his niece and nephew and also knew if he could keep them quiet and sit near the doorway, he could listen in on the conversation. Which turned out to be Sefa telling Marc that even though John Morrison was out on a long term injury, he was still undergoing surgery and intensive rehab, and thus would be unable to come and work at the camp.

The twins were in this stage that reminded Mox of a happy golden retriever, meaning if you threw things, they loved to get them and run back with them. He had a ball and a plastic toy that looked like a hand weight, except that it was clear and you could see some beads rolling around in it, and it weighed only a few ounces. He took turns throwing them, and the twins ran after them. Yes, the twins giggled and laughed, but not enough so Mox couldn't also listen.

Noella came into the playroom and took over watching the twins, who shrieked their excitement at seeing their mother, who they had seen ten minutes earlier. "I thought you might want to go and talk to Marc," she said. "You don't get many chances to see him."

"Thanks." Mox walked into the kitchen. He'd been in this house enough to feel at home, so he opened up the refrigerator and got himself a glass of iced tea before he sat down at the table. The conversation between Marc and Sefa had stopped, but Mox wasn't going to let them push him out. "You need another person here because both of you want to help with Roman."

"Nobody told you to eavesdrop," Sefa said, eyes narrowing.

"We can handle it," Marc said. "We've had times before where one of us can't be around all the time and we manage. We'll do it this time."

"This isn't short term," Mox reminded them. "And you know what? There is an obvious solution and you not asking me kinda hurts my feelings."

"What's that?" Marc asked.

"Me," Mox said. "When you went on your extended honeymoon I took your place, Marc, and I did fine." He looked at Sefa, "In fact, I recall you said I did great. So, why didn't you ask me this time?"

"Because you were doing the indies then," Sefa said. "Now you're training for the big time. If they will even let you break your contract, you might not get asked back. And if you do, you probably will have to start from the bottom."

"So?" Mox didn't want to sound belligerent, but it was hard not to. They were treating him like damaged Mox again, the kid that had been abused until they took him in. "I start over again. I can do that, I'm young. And I'm sure I can be in the shows here, so I'm not going to get any ring rust." He saw Sefa wanted to speak, but he kept talking. "I think under the circumstances, since I'm not doing much of crap with FCW, they'll let me go. It won't hurt to ask. You need me and to be honest, it's a long drive here. I'm going to spend most of my time in Tampa worried about Roman and I can't just zoom up here to be with him. Yes, I can call or text, but it isn't the same. Add to that the worry that my family can't be there for him as much as they want, and I think in the long run, I'm better off here. Roman is my brother too. Between the three of us, we can keep this camp running like a well oiled machine and still all be able to take turns going to doctor's appointments and to the hospital to see Roman. If you two go it alone, Lance might drop out of school because Mom is going to start getting frayed." He looked at Sefa as if this was a done deal. "I just need to use the apartment." Above the outbuilding used for storage, there was a small studio apartment, built for "guest" workers that came to the camp, often to earn money while going through recovery. Had John Morrison been able to make it, he would have used it. But, since he wasn't, Mox felt he had a right to it.

"What's wrong with your old room?" Sefa asked, which wasn't an acceptance of the plan, but was a step in the right direction.

_Now comes the hard part_ "I'm still seeing Alexa," he said, as if it were not a big deal to Sefa, which Mox was sure it still was. "We're adults and yeah, Dad, we do share a bed. So, it would just be easier to stay in the apartment. Alexa, I'm sure will be willing to work any job around the camp. She doesn't like to sit around." He alternated his look between Marc and his Dad and dropped his final card. "Otherwise, you're going to have to pay us like we're regular workers, so we can get an apartment in town. That means I might not be here when you need me the most, like the middle of the night."

There was more protesting, which Mox expected, but if Dad was going to accuse him of inheriting his stubbornness from him, Mox was going to go that extra distance to prove it. He got Marc on board pretty fast, and kept chipping. Finally, his dad agreed and truthfully, it didn't take as long as it should have. _He's too worried about Roman. He won't admit it, and he still disapproves of Alexa and I, but he also knows this is for the best._

.

Seth reacted to the news of Roman's cancer with shock. "Roman? _Roman_ has cancer? How the hell did that happen?"

"Do I look like the cancer guru?" Mox snapped. How was he supposed to know? Cancer was shit and shit happened. "It doesn't matter_ how_ he got it, it matters that he's being treated for it, and I'm going up to SPWA and help my family until he's better." _Because he will be better,_ Mox told himself. _He will kick cancer's ass and be back to himself in no time._

"Sorry," Seth looked at the ground. They were in the kitchen of the tiny house. Alexa, fortunately, was at the gym. "I'm just blown away, Mox. Roman comes across as the type of guy that anything like cancer would just bounce off of, you know?"

"The Samoan Superman," Mox said. "He should just stand there, hands on his hips and laugh at it." He fell into an imitation of Roman, healthy Roman that was. "Hah! Cancer? Don't make me laugh! Be gone with you, now!"

As he expected, Seth laughed. And while Mox didn't expect it, but was not surprised, he started crying. "Fuck, my-_our_ big brother. Fuck!"

Mox put his arm around him. Mox had done a lot of his own crying on the way home, not breaking into sobs, but every sad song on the radio, every time he thought about dinner, how Roman had looked, the tears would fall down his cheeks. "I know, I feel the same way," Mox said. "But Roman is going to fight this with everything he's got. And cancer might be his kryptonite, but Superman faced kryptonite a lot and managed to survive. Roman will survive this."

"Should I go with you?" Seth asked. "See if I can get time off?"

Mox shook his head. He knew Seth would do it if he was asked. And he would do it willingly, but after a while, he would resent not being at FCW. If he and Mox were there, they would both have a fair amount of free time and that would drive Seth crazy. "Someone needs to stay and make sure they don't forget my name around FCW," he said. "And I know you can handle the rent. If you can't, there's always someone in FCW looking for a place to stay, sublet my room to them. If you really want to help, if I call you to come for dinner on Sunday. You can see how Roman is doing and get a good dinner from Mom, and, be that breath of fresh air in a place that will have a lot of gloom."

"I can do that," Seth nodded, "As long as it isn't going to be too much work for your mother." He frowned. "I would say that the offer to sublet your room means you're going to try to get Alexa to come with you?"

Mox nodded.

"She was pissed when she woke up and saw you'd gone to your folks without telling her," Seth said. "I don't know how she's going to feel about this."

_She'll probably beat the shit out of me,_ Mox thought. "Well, she doesn't have a whole lot of choice, does she?"

.

It was easier to tell Hunter and the rest of the head guys at FCW. Not that it was easy, but when they saw how stubborn Mox was, Dusty finally nodded. "If it were our brother, we'd want to be there too," he said, in that soft voice of his, that you still found yourself listening to every word as if it were the most important word ever spoken. "And the SPWA has been good to us. I'm not in charge, but my advice is to suspend his contract for a year."

"It might not take a year," Mox said. "My brother is pretty determined to beat this." He was finding it a relief to be able to talk about cancer as if it were a battle, instead of a journey. _Because I would like to look at cancer and say, "Let's settle this_ In. The. Ring_!"_

Hunter Helmsley drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "All right," he said. "We'll give you a year out on your contract, but if you can come back earlier, we'll take you back. FCW might not exist anymore, but the contract will carry over."

"FCW is going?" Mox was instantly alarmed.

"We're in negotiations to move to Full Sail University," Hunter said. "And I want to re-brand us as NXT. Vince is willing to let me take charge of the whole thing."

Normally, Mox would have been excited about this. It seemed like great things were happening, and while Triple H could be a big pain in the ass, he was also a good boss who knew how to get the best out of everyone. But now, all he could think of was getting out of there and getting home.

.

As he expected, Alexa wasn't happy. He didn't tell her Sunday, figuring telling Seth had been hard enough. He decided to wait until it was a done deal with work. She had asked him a few times if he was all right, and he'd forced himself to smile and act like everything was all right.

Seth had let him take the car back home, since he was offered a ride from another wrestler. Mox cleaned out his locker, and drove home, getting back before noon.

At first she was concerned if he was sick, knowing that in FCW being sick meant, "Just about to die." She was relieved when he told her he was all right, but when he told her about Roman and that he was going to move back home, her entire demeanor changed, reminding him of when Raven had called and she had answered his phone.

"Look, it's not that I don't feel bad for Roman, I do," Alexa said. "But we _have_ something here. I've been taking care of you and Seth, at least running the house. Now you're running off to Madison county, and I'm not going to see you for how long? And I'm not staying with Seth alone! I know my wrist is healed, but I need time to build it up! You promised me." Her fists were clenched and she stared at him. "Are you a liar?"

"No!" Mox said, also wanting to point out she was being unfair. It wasn't like he could predict Roman getting cancer. But he wisely kept that to himself. "I talked to my dad, and you're invited too."

"I am?"

"Yeah." Mox nodded. "The place has a little studio apartment above the storage outbuilding. We can stay there. It isn't huge, but it'll just be the two of us. He wondered if he should also mention it had a king sized bed, which would be a step up from his double, but he still felt as if he wasn't allowed to suggest anything that might indicate he want or hoped for sex. That was her department.

"But I'm a fighter," Alexa protested. "And everything you tell me about Madison county and what I saw for myself, there isn't going to be any place I can fight. So, what the hell do I do all day?"

"Dad is going to find you a job," Mox said. Worse comes to worst, you can work in the mess hall, but I told him how good you are at weights and bodybuilding, so he's thinking you can help instruct people with that. You'll have use of the gym almost all the time, and you even said your body was getting beat. This will give you time to build back up again. All those injuries you just ignored will have a chance to get better. _Maybe, we can get on the insurance plan and she can get to a proper doctor and if anything is really wrong, get it fixed._

"I don't want charity," Alexa insisted.

"It isn't charity," Mox said. "You'll know that after you've worked at the camp for a week or so. Nobody slacks off."

She continued to argue, but her arguments got more and more feeble, until she finally gave in. For a few hours, Mox even thought she might be liking the idea.

But that night in bed, she was twice as vicious as she usually was, and when it turned to sex, she insisted he was on top, and she raked his back with her nails, cutting him open. "Don't you dare come," she whispered into his ear as he felt the blood trickling down his sides. "This is _my_ game and we play it _my_ way. Don't you _dare_ get off until I say so."

He thought he'd never be able to follow those instructions, but he did. He slowed down and rode her through two orgasms of her own, before she finally said, "Now it's your turn. It's okay, baby, come for me."

His release was instant and intense. But as she snuggled up to him and fell asleep in his arms, he found himself wondering what was happening to him. Because when they had sex, sometimes he felt like he was back to being Timmy, only instead of Dennis and Simon calling the shots, it was Little Suzie.


	15. Chapter 15

Authors note: Yes, I will be flooding this story today. I am sorry about that, but I said that before I left I would not leave anyone who wants to read this, hanging. I am keeping my word. You're under no obligation to read or review this, because I'm not even sure I'll be here long enough for it to matter. I just will feel better if I have this all up and I don't have to worry about it. Call it tidying up loose ends. Because apparently, wanting to live is selfish. Just ask Lynn. If I am not willing to die, then I'm selfish because this country will fall into a great depression and people will starve.

Over half the wealth of this country is owned by 1% of the people. But nobody is asking them to pony up to avoid this. Just the rest of us. But, Lynn is willing to die along with her father, so she gets to make all the choices.

So Lynn, keep preaching about my selfishness. Keep blaming this for an economy that was already sinking down the toilet, And be sure to shed a tear for all those hospital workers who will die of this so other people can go to the goddamned beach. You won, Lynn. You're right, I shold be willing to die so the rich get richer and everyone can go out for pizza and beer. I just hope your immune compromised Dad is cheering you on.

I'm not afraid of dying. I had cancer. I looked that bitch right in the eye and told her to fuck off. What I am against is dying so that 1% of this country can keep all their money and let the rest of us suffer.

Ironically, if folks had followed the rules in the first WHOLE ENTIRE MONTH this was happening, I'd be more hopeful. But I saw people not wearing masks, horking lungers on the street. I saw folks in Michigan clumping around together in MAGA hats telling the press, "I didn't get sick, so I'm not worried." I would be all in favor of loosening up and allowing some businesses to reopen, but people like you have already proven that you can't be bothered with those silly safety rules.

Now, please, fuck off and die.

And anyone else who agrees with her, join her. Apparently, in 'Murica, not only do you have a right to dive in a cesspool, but you have the right to take others with you.

* * *

_Some victims of child sexual abuse deny that they were abused, others deny that it caused them any harm, while still others deny that they need help. There are many reasons for denial. One of the most significant is that victims don't want to face the pain, fear, and shame that comes with admitting that they were sexually abused._

Beverly Engel From the _Psychology Today_ article _Why Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse Don't Disclose_

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Chapter Fifteen

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Alexa expected things at the Samoan Pride Wrestling Academy to be bad, so she wouldn't have to deal with disappointment if they were. Her past had taught her that low expectancy was the best way to avoid disappointment. But to her surprise, it wasn't so bad after all. The studio apartment she and Mox used was small, but nice. The king sized bed was very roomy and more comfortable than Mox's bed. The kitchen was tiny, but most of their meals they ate with the family. There was a large enough "everything else" area with a couch and a TV. It was cozy without being claustrophobic.

After her outburst about Roman using the term "Baby girl" she expected the family might treat her like a pariah, but the incident was never mentioned. She wasn't sure if that was because Roman was so sick. Even she had to admit, when she looked at him now, the beautiful hair gone, the dark circles under his eyes, she felt bad about how she'd talked to him that day.

She was also afraid they might figure out she used to be Little Suzie too, and that would be embarrassing, everyone knowing they had sex when she was just a kid and Mox was a teenager. She knew Sefa knew, but he wasn't saying anything. She was pretty sure Jen _didn't _know, because Jen was such a mom, Alexa would expect her to pull her and Mox into a room and tell them that she loved them both very much, but perhaps this was all a little too strange, and maybe they should get some counseling as well. She knew Lance didn't know, because Lance was the type to bring it up at the dinner table. "So, you and Mox had sex when you were both way too young. Pass the potatoes, please."

If Noella and Marc knew, they were keeping it to themselves too.

She had full use of the gym, unless there was a class using it, which wasn't that often. There were often former students, or even some famous wrestlers that used the gym if they were in the area. She wasn't all that high on wrestling like Mox was, but thanks to him, she did recognize some of them. She was told to always treat them with respect, and she followed that rule.

She was given a choice of jobs, working the kitchen or training and supervising female wrestlers with weightlifting and bodybuilding. She picked the second and Sefa watched her to make sure she knew what she was doing. She had been lifting weights and doing spotting for other people since Jessica got her involved with underground fighting, so it didn't take long to teach her. The hardest part was keeping the records of the amount of weight each wrestler was working with, and making sure they moved up slowly. Wrestlers were as impatient as underground fighters, and would try to push up their weights faster than they should.

Even though she never wrestled a day in her life, the women all treated her with the same respect they showed all the other trainers. Alexa found she liked that, being able to earn respect without having to beat the crap out of someone. Most of these women were taller than her, one of them, Nia Jax was a whole lot bigger than her, which worried Alexa at first, thinking Nia might cop attitude, but instead, Nia and her became friends, reminding her a bit of the old days with Jessica. Sometimes Alexa ate lunch in the mess hall, just to be with the other women. It worked out easier too, because lunch in the mess hall ran for two hours. Lunch in the house was served promptly at 12:30.

She might not have been sure about the family, they weren't her family, and she felt like the outsider, even if everyone was nice, but she did like the women wrestlers she worked with.

It was easy to pretend this was a normal life. A young couple living in a small apartment, both of them working in the same place, but different departments. And that's exactly what it was like, until night fell and the two of them were alone in the apartment.

Well, no, it wasn't fair to blame the whole apartment. They had spent more than one evening watching TV together and eating popcorn, but they rarely snuggled. Alexa knew, deep down, that Mox wanted more than she gave him. Mox wanted to kiss her, to casually put an arm around her, to have physical contact that wasn't sexual. And part of Alexa wanted to give that to him, but she just_ couldn't. _She wasn't even sure she wanted to have sex with him at all, and she sometimes got the feeling he felt the same way, but when the two of them were alone, it just didn't stop happening.

She would lay in the bed, next to him, the scent of him washing over her. He took a shower every night after working hard all day, but everyone had a scent, a shower couldn't get rid of it, especially if you tried to avoid using any body cleaning products that contained scents. And at first it would comfort her, likely because it had imprinted on her those few days in the basement with Timmy. What Timmy did was bad, but what the men did to her was far worse. But if she was making movies with Timmy, the men left her alone.

Every night she went to bed thinking that was all she would do, sleep with him. They would lie together, maybe snuggled in each other's arms and fall asleep like a tired couple does. But as she lay there, her mind would drift to how good it felt when they had sex. That it was the only time sex was good. Yes, she'd had orgasms in her life, Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean, along with several of the countless strangers she was forced to fuck sometimes managed to do the right things and it felt good, but dishonest. A lot of people in the world didn't realize that sometimes feeling good could make you feel guilty as hell. Sex with Mox felt good, it felt like an honest good. And she'd start feeling both turned on and angry that he did this to her. And before she knew it, she was so angry she was hitting him, punching him, kicking him.

The worst he ever did was restrain her and sometimes that made her angry. Maybe if Mox fought back, kicked her or beat on her, she would be able to break away from him. He would become another bad person, just like every other man who had sex with her, and she could hate him with a pure heart.

But he never did.

She knew her anger was escalating. At first all she did was bruise him, but now she was also clawing his back sometimes, hard enough to draw blood. She was being less careful about where she kicked him, where she punched him. Florida was hot and humid and his job was working with the wrestlers. Hot, sweaty, work, yet he was wearing sweatpants and long sleeved shirts. They were made of thin material, designed to wick away moisture, but she knew Sefa was watching him and wondering. Alexa had the feeling if Roman hadn't been sick, Sefa would be doing a lot more than watching and wondering.

Her feelings about Roman were another matter too. Sometimes she found herself resenting him for all the time Mox spent with him. Mox mainly taught the campers, but when he wasn't working, he spent a lot of time with Roman, mostly shooting the breeze. When Roman went for his treatments, if he had to stay overnight at the hospital, Mox would visit him. When he came home, the first few days he'd be tired, then he'd go into some cycle where he was sick. Mox would sometimes sleep in the house at those times, to help the family look after him. She would think that even though Roman had cancer, for one person, he sure needed a lot of people to look out for him. Then, she would feel terrible for thinking such things. She avoided Roman most of the time, which was pretty easy to do, because his family had circled around him, as if they could stop his cancer by never letting him out of their sight.

She wondered sometimes if he ever wanted to look at everyone and tell them to fuck off so he could be alone for twenty minutes. Yes, it was all sweet and good to have a family that loved you, but everyone needed some time to be alone. _It wouldn't surprise me if they follow him into the bathroom._

.

She and Mox were headed to the house for dinner one day, when an ancient looking car pulled into the parking lot. This wasn't unusual, a lot of wrestlers in the indies drove cars that looked as if they were held together with spit and baling wire. But when Mox saw this one, he broke into a grin and started jogging towards it.

Two girls got out of the car and one of them, Alexa recognized instantly as Raven. Mox had a picture of her on his phone that showed every time she called him. She found herself clenching her jaw as Mox ran up to her and gave her a hug, swinging her around and saying her name, "Raven!"

"Mox!" She called out, hugging him back.

The other girl had black hair, done in a million braids with tiny beads on the ends of them. _I'll bet that's May_ she thought. She started heading in their direction.

Raven and Mox were still indulging in some weird ritual of hugging and smacking each other in the arm by the time Alexa caught up, so May smiled. "Hey, I'm May Parker."

"Oh?" Alexa's brows raised and she spoke before thinking. "Do you prefer to go by May, or 'Baby Girl?'"

"Ah," May nodded, still smiling, "You must be Alexa."

"How did you hear about me?"

May stared at her as if she might be stupid, which didn't do anything to make Alexa feel less hostile towards her, "Roman told me about you," she said. "We had a long discussion one night when he asked me if I found him calling me 'Baby Girl,' insulting, because apparently, you gave him a piece of your mind for calling me that."

"And what did _you_ say?"

May had the nicest smile, but her eyes gave away her real emotions and in this case, Alexa knew she wasn't impressed. "I said that it was none of _your_ business what pet names we called each other."

Mox and Raven had stopped greeting each other by this point, and Mox injected himself into the conversation before Alexa could ask if May liked being referred to as an infant. "Well, I see you two have met," he began.

"Yes, we have," May said, her brows smoothing, that smile still on her face.

"Alexa, this is Raven," Mox said.

"Oh, we've met over the phone," Raven said, She wasn't smiling, but instead was staring daggers at Alexa.

"Oh that's right," Alexa said, "You're the-"

Nobody had a chance to find out Alexa's opinion of Raven, because Lance had walked out the house and came running over. "May! Raven!" he exclaimed, and they fell into some weird three way hug, acting like they were long lost siblings or something. And then everyone was going into the house for dinner, where Jen hugged May and Raven as if they were daughters, and Roman hugged and kissed May like she was a chocolate bar in a fat camp, and hugged Raven like she was a long lost sister. And it was so ghastly sweet and wonderful that Alexa found herself in a state that bordered nausea and jealousy. _How did Mox find all of this?_ she thought. _I couldn't go home to my family, Mox couldn't go back to his first family, but he found a second family and they act like he's been with them since birth. And his first family even keeps in touch with him. Why him? Why does he deserve this and why didn't I?_

This must have been a planned event that she hadn't been told about, because Marc, Noella, and the twins were there too, and dinner would be happening in the dining room, which was big enough to hold all of them. Alexa found herself hanging back from all the meeting and greeting, wondering if she could ask if it was okay to eat in the mess hall with the girls she trained. She found herself moving further away from the group, during the kitchen greeting time and getting closer to the door. And when the greeting was over, both May and Raven fell into helping Jen with the meal as if they had lived here too for a good part of their lives.

She was about to see if she could just… turn the knob and slip out the door, when she realized Noella was next to her. "It's a bit overwhelming, isn't it?" she asked, smiling.

Noella Reigns, five foot ten and so beautiful that it would be easy to hate the woman if she wasn't so nice. Alexa found herself nodding. "Just a bit."

"The Reigns are the types of people who end up drawing folks to them," Noella said. "And the Parker sisters come from a huge family. Even though they aren't related, at least not yet, they've become family."

"Not yet?" Alexa's voice rose on the last word.

"There's a chance Roman and May might find something permanent, some day," Noella's voice was soft, easy, but Alexa heard her perfectly, even with all the noise in the kitchen. "They've never lived close enough to each other for a normal dating life, yet they were together while Roman was in college and she was in the indies. It wouldn't shock me if one day they got married."

"What if he dies?" Alexa asked, and wanted to slap her own hand over her mouth. _Did you really just say that out loud? Great, you probably just alienated Noella._ The unwritten rule was that nobody talked about Roman as if he might die.

But, Noella just shrugged. "We hope for the best, we plan for the worst. That's why May is here. She's going to stay for a couple months or so." She looked at Alexa, "Do you understand?"

Alexa nodded. "She's hoping he'll survive this, but she wants to spend as much time with him as she can in case he doesn't."

It was the most bittersweet and romantic thing Alexa had ever heard of and it made her want to put her arms around both of them and tell them everything would be all right. But it also made her angry. And she tried to tell herself she didn't know why, but she did.

Because she was almost positive Mox would never love her as strongly Roman loved May, and she was completely positive she would never love Mox as fiercely as May loved Roman.

.

Raven stayed for three nights, which in Alexa's opinion, was three nights too much. She spent time with the Reigns, but she also helped Mox with teaching the students, the two of them using the other for showing moves to students.

Alexa had her bodybuilding classes, but weight lifting was only a small part of the training, so she had more time than she would like to see Mox and Raven together, laughing and joking with themselves and the other students, or getting very serious about showing moves. They had an easy way with each other and even though Mox assured her constantly that Raven was the younger sister he always wanted, she still watched them, inwardly seething.

It wasn't that she feared they had or would have sex. Nothing in the way they acted gave her that indication. In fact, the most "I _might_ be interested in sleeping with you" expression she ever saw on Raven's face was when one of the other campers, a fellow from Scotland, Drew McIntyre was around. But she was still jealous.

_Because their relationship is platonic, but the love they share is very real. They have something that I worry Mox and I will never have._

.

The last night Raven was there, Roman was feeling better than he usually did, so May, Roman, Mox, Lance, and Raven decided to go out to a local Mexican place for dinner. Mox asked her to go with them, well, more than that, he _begged_ her to go with them, but she refused. Instead, she ate dinner in the mess hall with Nya and the other female wrestlers she was training. They laughed and joked and she found she was enjoying herself. But, the girls wanted to get their sleep to be at their best for the next day, so it was still early when she got back to the apartment.

She took a shower and got into bed, hoping that by the time Mox came home, she'd be sound asleep, but he got home early. _Probably Roman got tired,_ she thought.

Mox undressed and got into bed, trying to be quiet, so as not to wake her, but she could smell him. Not just his regular scent, but the faint smell of Sangria and salsa. He rolled from his side to his back and a sigh of contentment came from him.

That sigh did it for her. She wanted to not only kick him, but really hurt him, hit him over and over again, until he either fought back, or became a bloody mess. And she would have done it, but she was afraid it might turn to the usual and they'd end up having sex and she didn't want that. She wanted to stay mad at him, she _deserved_ to stay mad at him.

She forced herself to stay quiet and not move, until she was sure he was asleep. Then she slid out of bed holding her pillow and made her way to the sofa, where she curled up, forcing herself to keep her eyes shut until she fell asleep


	16. Chapter 16

_It is important not to minimize or deny how much you have been hurt. The abuser violated you physically by using your body. Psychologically, the abuse means that you had no control, power, or choice in what was done to you. Unlike in natural disasters or in war, in sexual abuse the trauma is caused by another person who is most often known and trusted by the child, creating the experience of betrayal trauma_

If You Were Sexually Abused as a Child, Here Are 8 Things to Know by Asher Lipner

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Chapter Sixteen

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{o}-{o}-{o}

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Mox was disappointed to find Alexa sleeping on the couch when he woke up, but he wasn't surprised. He knew that going out with the Devany sisters and his brothers had been a mistake, no matter how hard he tried to get Alexa to go with them, how much he wanted her to come with them.

"I wouldn't want to ruin your date," she had snapped.

She refused to understand that Raven would always be a close friend, one of his closest friends, but she was never going to be his girlfriend. How he had watched Roman and May and their casual, but romantic affectionate gestures towards each other last night and found himself wishing he and Alexa could be doing the same thing, holding hands, Alexa putting her head on his shoulder, a casual kiss.

He'd had a good time, the five of them had talked and laughed and eventually, he managed to stop being unhappy about Alexa not going. And maybe that was the worst of it. _If I'd really wanted her to go, was being able to have a good time without her wrong?_

He got dressed silently, not wanting to wake her. Usually they woke up together, the movements of one likely to wake the other as they got out of bed, unless it was the middle of the night and he got up to go run ropes. But when he was dressed he wondered if he should wake her up to go to breakfast at the house. It would be his last chance to spend a little time with Raven, she was leaving that morning. _If I wake her, she might think I'm trying to drag her to be with Raven, who she doesn't like and never will. If I don't wake her, will it seem like I'm trying to avoid her so I can spend time with Raven?_

There were eggs in the apartment, along with coffee and bread. He wasn't keeping her from eating, so he wrote a quick note and left it on the kitchen table:

_You looked so peaceful, so I decided to let you sleep in._

.

When breakfast was over, everyone got the chance to give Raven a hug and wish her luck. But Mox was given the honor of walking her to the car, which he did, carrying her duffel bag for her.

"It's not like I can't carry that myself," she joked.

"It's not like I can't do something nice for you," he joked back.

They both laughed then she looked at him. "It-It was good to see you," she said.

He saw her throat move, indicating she had swallowed. "I get the feeling there is a but coming up," he said, hoping his voice sounded light.

They were at the car now, and she moved around the back, opening the hatch so he could put her duffel bag in there. "Mox, I get the feeling that I'm really hurting your relationship with Alexa, and I don't want to do that."

He knew Raven was direct, and as usual she pitched this one right down the middle. "It's okay," he said. "She's just, uh, a little possessive."

"About that," Raven said,reaching up and rubbing the back of her head. "You've said that before, but if she was possessive of you, why didn't she go with us last night? To make sure I wasn't hitting on you or something? Or, at least to rub it in that you and her were together. Not that it would have worked, but if she really thinks I'm a threat, I'd think she would have gone with us, just to get cozy with you, you know? Show me I had nothing on her. Which I don't, because goddamned she's a pretty woman."

"Don't sell yourself short," he advised. "You're not bad yourself. I saw you looking at McIntyre a few times, and more than once I saw him looking back."

"Don't change the subject," she said, but her cheeks took on a pink tinge, and she rubbed her foot along the ground. "If she's possessive of you, then why doesn't she act it? I mean, I saw her watching us from a distance when I was helping you teach. Why didn't she come over? Say hi? Find an excuse to put an arm around you, or give you a kiss?"

"Because not everyone is like Roman and May, or Marc and Noella," he said.

She shook her head. "You're wrong about that, a lot of people are like them. And being jealous often makes it worse. But with Alexa, she seems to avoid you, a lot. And I never see her acting like a girlfriend, you know? In fact, sometimes I see you want to take her hand or something and she jerks hers away like she doesn't want you to touch her. And I know this is none of my business, but it just seems wrong_._ If she loves you, she should show it. I get that PDA's aren't everyone's thing, but she won't even let you pat her hand. She told me that day on the phone you two are having sex, but you two sure don't act like you are." She looked at him, chewing on her bottom lip.

"We… have…" Mox struggled to find the right word, "Issues_,_ for lack of a better term. Uh, we both share a lot of similarities in how we grew up."

She stopped chewing her lip and her eyes rounded. "Mox, is that her? Is that the girl that-" she stopped speaking abruptly, having no clue what to say about her.

Mox drew in a deep breath, but nodded as he forced it out. "Yeah," he said, feeling both ashamed and relieved to admit it to her. "That's the former Little Suzie, all grown up."

"Oh, fuck, Mox, if I'd known I would have been a little less of a bitch to her on the phone," she said, shaking her head. "I don't want the full-blown details, but this must be really tough on both of you. It's like you've done it all backwards."

"I know."

"Look," Raven locked her gaze on his, willing him not to look away from her. "This is none of my business, and you don't even have to answer this, but if you haven't thought of this, then maybe you should."

"Just say or ask it," Mox said, having a feeling he wasn't going to like whatever was on her mind, but still looking at her.

"Are you dating her because you have some screwed up notion that you owe it to her or something? I mean, it's not my job to judge your relationship, and maybe what the two of you are doing is perfectly fine for someone in your situation, but Mox, do the two of you love each other?"

"Raven," he said, refusing to break eye contact. "_I don't know._ I know I love you, I know I love Roman and my family. It's strong and it's unmistakable. But romantic love? I don't have a clue. I know I feel something for her, but I don't know if it's romantic love or not."

"The two of you never hold hands, yet you're both having sex." Raven shook her head. "I don't know if this is healthy or not."

He found a small kernel of anger inside of him, starting to grow. Why did everyone feel they had the right to judge their relationship? _Even if they're right, it's none of their business!_ "Raven, this has nothing to do with you. Don't take shots to our friendship over something that's not your concern, okay?"

She nodded, but he could tell she didn't want to let it go, that she was worried about him, worried about Alexa. Worried their relationship was causing more harm than good. But, she hugged him and told him she really needed to be leaving. He returned the hug and told her to drive safely and to at least text him when she got to her next destination so he would know she was safe.

.

Even though having Raven around caused conflict between him and Alexa, Mox missed her when she was gone. Everyone else in his life now, except for Alexa, was too close to the Roman situation. Raven loved Roman and jokingly called him her boyfriend-in-law, but she was also one step away from him. Every other friend was tied up in Roman. Even Seth, on those occasions when he came for Sunday dinner, was more interested in Roman, and Mox didn't blame him. But Raven seemed to understand that sometimes he needed _not_ to talk about Roman, not to be dwelling on Roman. Teaching helped a lot, but it was an unequal relationship, he was the teacher, they were the students. Raven was his equal and she got that there were times when he wanted to talk about anything but Roman. Not for lack of caring, but for caring too much.

_Shouldn't I have this type of thing with Alexa?_ He found himself pondering. The couples in his life, at least the ones he felt were solid, always seemed to be talking. Sefa and Jen would stay up late to have conversations, Marc and Noella had Jen and Sefa watch the twins at least one night a week so they could have a date night. Sure, that probably meant sex, but Noella and Marc talked too. Not just in words, but in gestures, looks and thousands of little nuances of body language that said, _We are together, we are one. Don't try to get between us, you will never succeed_.

He didn't have anything like that with Alexa. In fact, he noticed that nobody even seemed to treat them like a couple. They didn't exactly treat them like they _weren't_ a couple, but it wasn't the same. If Jen asked Marc if he wanted to go to Roman's next appointment, (the three brothers and Sefa all took turns) it was assumed Noella might come too, if she had someone to watch the kids. When it was his turn, Jen would ask him if he wanted to go, and then go, "And you can bring Alexa with you, if you'd like." As if she just remembered that they were dating.

Alexa never went along anyway. He got it most of the time, but there were times when he wished she did, just so he would have someone to talk to while Roman was being examined or having his blood drawn. Roman could only have one person in the examining room with him, and May and Jen took turns with that right.

He was pondering all of this after Raven left, as he changed the cover over the outdoor ring he'd been using for teaching. It was time for weight training, which meant it was Mox's break time. He noticed the canvas cover was getting a little stained with blood and god only knew what other body fluids, so he thought this would be a good time to put a clean one on.

It was difficult work when you were alone, so he was surprised and grateful when Alexa came over and asked if she could help. It wasn't heavy work, just awkward, so he was able to explain to her what he needed and within a few minutes, they had it done. "There," Mox said, grinning. "Good as new." He started to bundle up the old one for washing when Alexa frowned.

"Am I doing it wrong?" Mox asked, trying to smile.

"No!" She said, shaking her head as well. "I mean, is there a right way to bundle dirty laundry?"

"Not as far as I know," Mox said. "But you didn't look happy." He started heading to the outbuilding where the laundry was stored.

Alexa followed along next to him. "I wanted to ask you a question." She paused and when he nodded, she continued. "Do you think I could be a wrestler?"

He kept walking, but looked at her. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah." She scowled and her entire body seemed to grow rigid. "Some of the girls here told me I should try it. What, you think I can't do it?"

"No!" Mox said. "I think you'd do great at it. I asked if you were serious because I'd love it if you wanted to learn to wrestle."

She relaxed her shoulders falling into a more natural position. "Well, the underground fighting scene, it's not great in Florida. And, well, I do know how to fight. Maybe I'd have an easier time making it if I was wrestling rather than fighting for real."

Mox thought for a minute, trying to find the right way to phrase what he wanted to say, "Look, Alexa, I have to be honest, very few people get to the point where they can make a living as a wrestler. The Indies are brutal, but if you love it, you don't care. I've worked day jobs just to have enough money to chip in for gas to get to another place where I can wrestle." They arrived at the outbuilding, and Alexa put the code in and opened the door, which Mox appreciated. He continued talking as he dumped the dirty canvas into the closest bin. "Yes, I'm finally getting some recognition, but it doesn't happen to everyone. You may have to do a lot of wrestling before you're discovered. You might never be discovered."

"So you don't think I can do it?" She'd gone rigid again, as they started walking back the way they'd come.

"No, I didn't say that," Mox said. "I think you'll make a damned fine wrestler. I've seen you fight for real and you're vicious. That will have to be toned down significantly, but you'll end up looking like a tigress in the ring if we can translate those fighting moves into wrestling."

"Tigress, huh?" She had relaxed again, and she gave him one of her half smiles.

"A very beautiful Tigress," he elaborated. He'd wanted to say beautiful and hot, but Alexa wasn't impressed by compliments that indicated desire. Mox got that and did his best to avoid it. "But a tigress none-the-less. But, you know me and Sefa, and we can train you here, which counts for something. The WWE approves of this place and sometimes they call Sefa to ask him what students he thinks have what it takes. That's how I got the tryout. But, again, it's not easy and you might spend a lot of years scratching to make it. But, if you still want to do this, we'll train you."

"Can't you just train me?" she asked. "At least to start."

"I can…" he said, voice hesitant and he found himself chewing on his lower lip.

"But?" she asked.

"But… I think you should start with Marc or Sefa, or maybe one of the other instructors that work here when they can."

"Why can't you do it?" She was scowling now.

"Because-because…" he swallowed, drew in a deep breath and blurted it out, "Because I'm supposed to teach you how to look like you're hurting people when you're not. And when it comes to me, uh, sometimes you like to hurt me. I'm afraid we'll get into it and uh…"

"I'll beat you up?"

She was sneering. _She thinks I'm a wuss_ he thought. _Because I let her beat on me at night. I rarely stop her. And she's right, but I can't fight back. I could wrestle with her, if she did know how to wrestle, because again, wrestling is not about hurting each other. But I'm just afraid if I start training her, she'll fly into one of her rages and go after me. And I'll let her, because I don't, no, honestly, I_ can't _fight back._ "Yeah," he said, figuring he was already in shit about it, might as well wade up to his waist than just to his shins. "I'm afraid you'll forget you're not supposed to hurt me."

"I might hurt whoever trains me," she said, shrugging. "At least at first. I've been trained to fight, Mox. I can't change that overnight, but I'll try."

_Good point_, he thought. _She might start beating Sefa or Marc and then the shit will fly._ "Okay," he said. "I'll start training you. I'm teaching the greens right now, when you're not training in weight lifting, come and join us. When we're both not teaching, I'll start showing you. If you really put your mind to this, it won't take long. You're tough, you're athletic, and you're fearless. You learn to bring all of that into the squared circle and you'll make it. And me and my family will do anything we can to help you." He knew he should talk to Sefa first before he made these promises, but he knew that if he could get her started and if she really threw her heart into this, she would be more than good, she'd be great. And Sefa would be glad to recommend her.

She nodded. "Okay." Then, she smiled and it was a softer smile than her usual one. "I'm looking forward to it." Her voice was sweet, almost as if she was accepting a date.

_Maybe this is how we'll date,_ he thought. _And that wouldn't be so bad. If Raven and I had ever gone beyond being buddies, we probably would have done a lot of wrestling as a date, rather than movies or dinner._

.

Alexa came to lunch at the house with Mox, which pleased him because she usually had lunch in the mess hall with the other female wrestlers in training. Mox didn't resent her for this, she deserved to have friends and spend time with them, but it was nice being able to walk in the house with her.

When they walked in, May was pulling out dishes to set the table. She and Jen exchanged looks. "Are you joining us for lunch?" Jen asked.

"Yes, if it's all right," Alexa said.

"Of course it is."

May took another plate from the cupboard and went into the dining room instead of to the kitchen table.

.

Lunch was turkey soup and sandwiches. Fortunately, the sandwiches weren't all turkey sandwiches, because Mox was getting awfully tired of turkey. He never complained, because it seemed to be one of the few foods Roman could eat and keep down most of the time. But it was nice to see some ham and roast beef among the turkey.

May being there was doing a lot to help Roman, and Mox sometimes wanted to pull her aside and thank her, but he was afraid he'd sound stupid. But May was devoted to Roman and she had a way about her that came across like she didn't think of him as sick. Roman had a TV set in the room he was using, and May acted like it was a truly wonderful date to lie in bed with him and watch TV. She'd snuggle up to him too, as if he were her protector. She was close to him, but she didn't smother him. She still went for runs every morning, and worked out in the gym when she could, but she spent a lot of time with him. And a lot of time acting like everything was fine. And maybe that was just what the doctor ordered, because Roman seemed to be doing better. He was still too thin, his eyes too haunted, but he spent less time staring at the ceiling in his room. He tried to come down for meals. May encouraged him to go walking with her when he felt up to it.

"I don't know why you put up with me, Baby Girl," he commented at lunch, when she offered to go to the store with Jen, to help him with shopping, and to hit the Red Box machine for some new movies for the two of them to watch.

"Put up with you?" May laughed as if this was funny. "Ro, we've been seeing each other on and off, mostly off, for how many years? I lost count. This is the first time we've been able to spend weeks at a time together, and I'm positively spoiled. When you get better and go back to football, I'm going to be heartbroken."

He smiled, but there was a hint of bitterness behind it. "You don't have to worry about football," he said, trying hard to sound normal. "Football has rejected me."

Everyone was quiet. But May smiled. "Good, then you can become a wrestler. Like God meant you to be."

At that, Roman laughed and it was as warm and genuine as his laughter used to be. "Like God meant me to be?"

"Yeah! Mox spoke up eagerly. "You said if you couldn't make it in football, you'd give wrestling a try. May is right. Your family line, your looks, you were born to wrestle. He could help but think of that one summer when they had met Raven and May. "We can reform The Citadel!"

"Oh?" May looked at him, "You do that andI might be forced to get the Order of the Phoenix back together."

"Yeah, sorry but the WWE doesn't like inner-gender fighting." Mox grinned.

"They will for us," May said with utmost confidence, even though everyone knew it was an act.

"Speaking of wrestling," Alexa said and Mox knew it wasn't easy for her to just bring this up, that wasn't her usual way. Since the very first meal at this table, where she fought with Roman over the expression "Baby Girl" she usually only joined conversations if she was pulled into them. "Some of the wrestlers have been telling me I should become one too."

May looked at her, easy enough since they were sitting across from each other. "That sounds like a wonderful idea!"

Alexa looked at May with a startled expression, "you do?"

May nodded. "You've got a good body, a pretty face, and fantastic hair. I know you're strong, I've seen you in the gym. Strong and fit. You're _exactly_ the type of person a good promotion would snap up. You just have to learn the moves, and how to do promos.

"I have some fighting experience," Alexa said.

"Even better!" May said.

"It is?" Alex looked confused as if she had fully expected May to suggest she become a trash collector instead.

"Sure," May said. "You have a fighting style, that can be a base. You'll need to spend time toning that down so you look like you're fighting, but not actually busting someone's nose. How do you feel about heights?"

"I'm not afraid of them at all." Alexa was still cautious, but she was starting to warm up to the conversation.

"Good!" May did everything but clap her hands to show her enthusiasm. "Women's wrestling could use more high fliers. Since a lot of us are former gymnasts or cheerleaders, we should be flying around like birds. You couldn't ask for a better teacher than Mox, but if you want to learn a little bit of top rope antics, I'll be happy to show you some. And if you'd prefer, you can ask Lance too. He's a fantastic high flier."

_If Lance were here, he'd agree_, Mox thought. But Lance was at school. He looked at Alexa, wondering what she would say.

"I-I'd like that," Alexa stammered. "But, I'd like to learn some basics from Mox first."

"Of course!" May said, nodding. "But when you feel ready, if I'm still here, I'll show you and if I'm not, Lance will."

"Are you going to be leaving soon?" Jen asked, looking disappointed. May had originally said she would stay for two months and it was getting closer to that than anyone wanted to admit.

May shrugged. "I might stay longer, if I'm not a bother," she said. She looked at Roman, grinning. "I'm enjoying being able to spend time with him, it's been hard these years, having Verizon and Skype as the third wheel all the time."

Roman smiled, looking pleased and Jen just beamed. May was the perfect counteraction against the effects of chemotherapy for Roman. "You are welcome to stay as long as you want."

"Thank you," May said, then looked at Sefa, "So, back to what we were talking about before? Do you think Alexa has what it takes to be a wrestler?"

Sefa studied Alexa carefully as if seeing her for the first time and Mox could sense her stiffening again, all defenses rising like the hackles on a dog. "If you devote yourself to this? Then I think you'll make an excellent wrestler. You'll probably do some time in the indies, like May here is doing. But indie cred is good. If you really want to be a wrestler and you do the time? I'll see what I can do to make sure you're noticed by the right people."

Alexa actually blushed. "I'll work hard," she said. "And, I appreciate any help people are willing to give me."

.

Later in the afternoon, Sefa came over to watch Mox with the greens, to see how they were progressing. "Do you really think Alexa can become a wrestler?" Mox asked him.

Sefa didn't take his eyes off the ring, where two students were having a mock match, doing moves slowly to avoid injury. Soon, they'd have to learn to bring it up to speed. "Yeah," Sefa said. "If she's really dedicated to this, she can do great." He paused to look at Mox. "Do you think she's dedicated?"

"I think so," Mox said. "And I sure hope so, too."

"If she takes May's advice and asks her or Lance for help feeling comfortable airborne, that will be a good sign."

They went back to watching the green students, offering advice, and eventually replacing them with two others. Mox wasn't sure why he said it, but he blurted out, "Do you think Roman and May are… uh… doing it?"

Sefa took his attention off the students and looked at him. "I don't know, I don't care," he finally said. "If I had to guess, I'd say no. I do know that if Roman is feeling up to it, they share his bed, and that's fine. I know the odds are Roman isn't going to get her pregnant while on Chemo and May is smart enough to do what she has to not to even risk the chances of it happening. But, Roman is doing better, but he's still tired. I don't know if he has the energy to think about sex, never mind being an active participant. Speaking of which, are you and Alexa being careful?"

They hadn't discussed birth control of any type, since that ride up here the first time, the morning after they'd had sex and she'd told him about getting Pelvic Inflammatory Disease. While she never specifically said it had rendered her infertile, Mox just knew it had. Alexa wasn't stupid, and if she thought she was risking having kids, she would have insisted they use birth control of some type. Alexa had to have a blood test for anything contagious when she started working here, so they were okay. "I-I" Mox began, then sighed. "Dad, she can't have kids. She got something when she was a kid, and it lead to complications."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Sefa's voice sounded sincere.

"I just want her to be happy, you know?" Mox asked, trying not to sigh.

"Son, she's got her own inner demons to fight," Sefa said, putting his arm on his shoulder. "You can love her, you can be there for her, you can suggest she gets help, but ultimately, it's her battle. You can stand on the sidelines and cheer her, but you can't fight it for her."


	17. Chapter 17

_Childhood sexual abuse has been correlated with higher levels of depression, guilt, shame, self-blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociative patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems._

_The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse:Counseling Implications_ Melissa Hall and Joshua Hall

**Chapter Seventeen**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Mox was becoming convinced that Alex Bliss was born to wrestle, just as he was. He was worried at first, afraid she would have trouble getting down the concept of, "It's okay to look like you're hurting someone, it's not okay to actually hurt them." Alexa seemed to have some anger issues, and Mox understood. He knew she had gotten into underground fighting not just to make money, but to be able to take her rage out on people. So, in the beginning, he was the only one to train her in the ring.

At first, she _did_ try, but sometimes she just seemed to forget how hard she could hit. She ended up bruising him a lot, but he was okay with that. Better she bruised him by learning to wrestle over attacking him as a weird type of foreplay. This made it a lot easier to explain the bruises. But sooner than he might have expected, she started understanding what she needed to do and most of the time, they could fight a mock match, for the same time the average match took, and he would escape relatively unharmed.

Most though, didn't mean all, so he avoided letting her train with any of the other teachers, until one morning, after going for his cross country run, he saw Alexa and May in "his" ring, putting on a training match, while his dad and Lance watched. _This could be very bad, if May says or does the wrong thing._ He ran over to the ring, trying to appear as if he was just finishing up his run. "What's up?" he asked, directing his comment to his dad.

"May is showing Alexa how to deal with a high flier," Sefa said. He looked over at Mox, "you've been teaching her well, and she's learned a lot in a short amount of time, but face it, son, you're a brawler and a grappler. She needs to learn how to make it look good with a high flier."

"I was showing her some stuff," Lance said, "Then May came out and said she'd help too. She knows a lot of that gymnastic stuff, so I figured she'd do an even better job."

Mox put his attention back to the ring, where May was getting ready to do a moonsault senton, her back to the ring. Alexa was lying on the ground, eyes closed as if she had been knocked out. Her eyes looked shut, but Mox would be willing to bet she had them open, the tiniest of slits that would be almost impossible for any observer to see, but would allow Alexa the ability to watch.

May executed the move perfectly, and just as perfectly, as she was about to land, putting Alexa in a pin position, Alexa drew her knees up to her chest. She pushed her knees up far enough to knock May off to the side. Instead of laying still, as she might have in a real match, May rolled to the side, planted her elbow and rolled to her feet. "That was perfect!"

Alexa, who had also made it to her feet, was smiling. "You don't think I drew up a little too fast?" she asked. "I was thinking maybe waiting a fraction of a second later." She looked towards the men standing outside the ring. "What do you guys think?"

"I think it was perfect," Sefa said, which was all the answer she needed. Sefa was the true boss, and if he said you were perfect, you were.

Alexa let out a girlish squeal of delight and Mox couldn't help but grin. Alexa laughed, Alex cried, but rarely did Alexa act young. Usually she acted like she was going on forty. To see her let loose like this was wonderful. _She's claiming a bit of her childhood,_ he thought. _And it's good to see._

"Almost time for breakfast," Sefa said, handing up a couple towels for the girls. May took them and handed one to Alexa. "If you folks want to shower, now would be the time to do it."

"Good idea," May said, wiping herself off. She turned her attention to Alexa, "Think about it, okay? That's all I ask. You can tell me yes or no after breakfast."

"Okay," Alexa said, climbing out of the ring and wiping her face.

"What was May asking about?" Mox said as the pair headed to their apartment to shower.

"There's a carnival or fair, something like that, going on. She and Roman are going, and they want us to tag along."

Roman was another brighter spot in Mox's life lately. He was responding well to the next phase of chemo, and the doctor had started him on some new medications that were helping a lot. Nobody dare say anything out loud, least they jinx it, but inwardly, they were starting to think Roman was going to beat this. He had some medical tests this week, which would tell them a lot more, like if he had or almost had beat this already. In the meantime, he was starting to go out more. He was still suffering some of the effects, so he took it easy, but he and May went places together.

"I think we should do it," Mox said, thinking that an evening with his slightly older brother and their girlfriends would be great. _It will also let Lexa let out her inner child some more._ Everyone knew a carnival was a great place to be a kid again.

"You do?" she looked surprised as they climbed the stairs to get to their place.

"Yeah, I do," Mox said, opening the door.

"Don't you think it's kind-of silly?"

"No," Mox said, not adding that it might be able to be counted as a date. "I think it sounds fun. We've both been working hard, you especially. We deserve a night to just go out and have some fun and be, you know, regular people."

Alexa frowned, but didn't immediately dismiss this. "Let me think about it while I take a shower."

The apartment only had a shower stall, no tub, and Mox let Alexa go first. Only once had they tried to shower together and it taught both of them that sharing a shower was something that sounded sexy, but in reality just didn't work. While she showered, he picked up clothing that had gotten scattered about the place. He was just starting a load of laundry when Alexa came out. They never took long showers, because they so often needed to shower at the same time. "Your turn," she called out, going to the closet, wearing nothing but a towel.

"Thanks," Mox said. As he headed to take his turn he paused at the door, pulling off his shirt. "Have you given it some thought?"

"Yeah," she said, as she dropped the towel so she could put on a sports bra, her usual weight training gear, along with shorts. "If you really want to do this, we will."

"I really want to do this," he said.

"Then, I guess we're going to the carnival tonight."

.

They ended up taking the camp SUV and another car to the carnival, because Lance and a friend of his, a former student named Sarah Logan, along with Marc and Noella decided they wanted to go as well. Jen and Sefa offered to babysit the twins, something Jen never seemed to tire of.

The carnival was loud with the noise of screaming people on the rides, loud merry-go-round music, and the game hawkers calling out to the crowd. As they entered, May looked at Roman, "You promised."

"I know," Roman said, grinning.

"What did you promise?" Mox asked.

"That we'd buy cotton candy as soon as we got here," May explained.

"Why would you want to do that?" Lance asked, looking puzzled. "That stuff is just bad carbs on a stick. You eat that and all that will happen is that your blood sugar will go up along with your chances of type 2 diabetes."

"Thank you, Lance, you're a total drag," May said, but she was smiling. "We're not going to eat all of it. It's just that when I haven't had cotton candy in awhile, and in this case, it's been years, I start to imagine that it was really great. And I'm always disappointed. But again, I have that craving."

"So, you're going to buy a five dollar bunch of spun sugar and, what, take a bite?" Lance was already shaking his head.

"That's the idea," May said brightly. "I'll stop craving it after that."

"Well, if you want to throw away your money," Lance shook his head again, punctuating it with an eye roll.

"I want to go on the Ferris wheel," Sarah announced.

Lance looked at her. "A little tame for you, isn't it?"

"Not if you rock it at the top," Sarah said, "And trust me, I can rock that thing until you're sure we're going to flip over and die."

"Sounds like fun," Lance said in a tone of voice that said he did not find the idea fun at all.

"Okay, how about this," Marc suggested. "Roman, you and May go off to get yourselves some cotton candy. We'll go wait in line for the Ferris wheel and hold your place."

"Sounds good to me," Roman said. Putting his arm around May's shoulder, the two of them walked towards the closest food vendor.

.

Sarah proved true to her word and after one ride, got her and Lance banned from riding the Ferris wheel. Sarah shrugged as if she had expected this. "I don't mind," she said cheerfully. "That seat really rocked! I thought it was going to fall apart and send us plummeting to the ground!"

Lance on the other hand, was quite pale when they got off the ride. Mox suspected he was thrilled at the idea of being banned so he wouldn't have to take another ride with Sarah. "Yeah, so did I," Lance said. "Uh, how about we play some games?"

"I want to go on more rides," Sarah said. "Lance, they have a tilt-o-whirl. Tame ride, but it's still fun!"

"Give me a moment for my stomach to catch up with me, okay?" Lance was only just starting to get some color back.

"How about if we spit up," Noella suggested. "We can meet up later, by the entrance."

"That works," Mox said, and everyone else agreed, although Lance and Sarah were still at odds over what to do next, tilt-o-whirl or play some games. Everyone left them to figure it out.

.

It turned out that Alexa was really good at the game where you knocked over the milk bottles. Mox knew they had them arranged so you had to hit them just right to get them all to fall over, but after her third try, Alexa had figured out the trick and was winning stuffed animal after stuffed animal, which she was handing out to the children hanging about.

Soon enough, the person running the booth told them they were no longer welcome. Mox was worried Alexa might argue, but she shrugged and walked away.

"That was really nice of you," Mox said, as they walked down the isles with the games. "Giving all your prizes away. Where did you learn to throw like that, anyway?"

"I didn't exactly have a lot of toys when I was, uh, in my former life," Alexa said. "But, I did have a red, rubber ball I found in one of the places we lived in for awhile. It was small enough so I could hide it when we moved. I still have it in my duffel bag. I spent hours throwing it against the wall, aiming for different spots. One place we lived in, my room had flowered wallpaper and I'd throw the ball at the flowers."

"You sure learned how to aim," Mox said.

She smiled and looked as if she might want to say something, then stopped, looking ahead.

Mox looked in the same direction she did, realizing she was looking at the Merry-go-round, spinning about, playing that typical, overly cheerful organ music that always seemed to come from speakers that had been blown years ago. Music that you just knew if it were played a little slower, would have sounded creepy and foreboding. "Do you like those?" he asked, motioning towards the carousel.

She shrugged as if she really didn't care, but she didn't take her eyes off of it. "That looks almost exactly like one my Dad and Mom took me on… you know, _before._ I remember it because instead of just having horses it has other animals too. I wanted to ride the lion. Everyone else wanted to ride the lion too," she laughed. "The lion looks like it's running and it's one of the ones that go up and down. I got to ride the tiger, which is stationary, but yeah, I sure wished I could have ridden that lion. I wonder if it's the same Merry-go-round?"

"Maybe," Mox said. "I'm sorry you never got a chance to ride the lion." In his head he thought 'riding the lion' sounded like it could be a sexual slang term and tried not to wince. _Face it, everything sounds like it could be a sexual term._

Even though she hadn't faced him, Mox could see she wore a pained expression. "It was a carnival that came to our area every year. Until that last year, I never cared much about what animal I rode, as long as it went up and down. That year, I decided I wanted to try the lion. I would have waited all night, but my Dad said we needed to get home, but he promised me the next year we'd wait all day and night so I could ride the lion. But, by the time that next year came, I was gone."

They had walked closer to the carnival ride, near the group that was waiting for the next ride.

"Let's do it now, then."

"We're too old," she said, looking faintly embarrassed.

"Oh, like them?" Mox pointed to an older couple who were riding side by side on a pair of white horses with brightly colored saddles as if they were circus horses. They looked to be well into middle age and were laughing, enjoying this ride.

Alexa looked at them. "Do you think they look silly?"

"Nope," Mox shook his head. "They look like they're having fun. So, let's have fun, too."

She didn't say yes, but she and Mox drifted to the waiting area. When the ride stopped, they waited until everyone had gotten off, then the operator opened the gate and everyone swarmed in, rushing to grab one of the horses or other animals.

Mox had memorized where the lion had stopped and hurried over, expecting Alexa would follow. When he got there, a man was lifting was Mox assumed to be his young son on the ride. "Hey, would you let us have the lion?" Mox called out.

The guy's brow furrowed. "But the lion is _cool,"_ he said. "Everyone wants to ride the lion."

The kid looked young enough so Mox was pretty convinced the kid didn't care about the lion, Dad was the one who thought it was cool. Mox wasn't in a mood to debate and knew he didn't have the time. He pulled a twenty dollar bill out of his pocket. "Give up the lion and this is yours."

Dad stared at the money, looked at his boy, then took the bill. "Well, if it's that important to you, sure." He lifted his son off the lion. "C'mon Lucas, let's go ride the zebra instead!" He hurried off as if Mox would change his mind.

"You ride awaits, M'lady," Mox said, with a mock flourishing bow. "Leo, king among lions, waits for his queen."

Alexa gave him a puzzled look, but she let Mox help her onto the lion, which surprised Mox, because he expected her to refuse help and get on herself. But, she let him lift her and she slid her leg across the saddle and sat, putting her feet in the stirrups. Right next to the lion was a horse, that like the lion went up and down as well as around, but the horse was brown and not as colorful as the other horses, as if it knew it could never compete with being the partner to a lion, and had just given up. Mox slipped onto that one. "Am I doing it right?" he asked, putting his feet in the stirrups. "I've never been on a carousel before, you're the expert."

Alexa laughed. "Yes, you're fine. It's not exactly brain surgery."

"I dunno," Mox said, trying to look serious. "This is my first time and all. You might even say I'm a Merry-go-round virgin."

She laughed at that, as the ticket person came around to collect their tickets or check their wrists. Just to make things easier, they had bought the wrist straps that allowed them to ride any ride however much they wanted. They had been expensive, but a lot easier than figuring out how many tickets to buy for whatever ride.

As the ride started, Mox realized it looked more exciting when you watched than when you rode. From the outside it seemed to be going faster. Inside it was a slow ride. But Alexa was smiling as she went up and down and that was all that mattered to him. _I can't give her back what she lost all those years, but I can give her this._

When the ride was slowing down to a stop, Mox slid off his horse and walked over to the lion. It was moving slower now, going up and down to match the pace of the carousel. "I've got something for you," he said, his head moving to keep eye contact as she went up, then down.

"Oh?" She looked a little bit wary. "What?"

While Alexa had been winning large stuffed animals, Mox had played another game, throwing a football through a tire. He wasn't able to win a big stuffed animal, but he won a smaller one, which he pulled out of his pocket. It was a tiny stuffed pig with a clip on it, so you could hang it from a backpack strap, or a key chain. He held it out to her.

She took it and smiled. Not one of her usual smiles, which always seemed to be holding something back, this smile seemed to involve all of her. "I've always thought pigs were underrated," she said, not looking at him, just smiling at the tiny toy. "They're so cute. I would like to have a pig someday."

"When you end up in the Indies, it might be hard to bring a pig everywhere," Mox said, but he smiled too. "So, until you do, I hope this little guy can help."

"She's a girl," Alexa said without a trace of doubt in her voice.

"How do you know?" Dean didn't see anything identifying on the stuffed animal, not a ribbon or bow that might have indicated the sex of the animal.

"I just _do_," she said.

The ride had stopped by now, and he helped her off. Again, not that she needed the help, but just to be nice and to be able to touch her, to hold her, to feel for just that moment, like they were as normal as any other couple strolling about the fairgrounds. _If she turns her head to face me, I'm going to kiss her._

But, she never turned to him, just got off the ride, clipping the tiny pig to a belt loop as they walked away from the merry-go-round and joined the other people all milling about the carnival.

.

Later that night, when they were both in bed, he turned to face her. "Did you have fun tonight?"

He wondered if she was getting ready to hit him, because she froze for a moment, as if trying to order her body to change plans. Then she relaxed. "Yeah," she said. "I did. Thank you for Penny, she's sweet."

The little stuffed pig was sitting on her nightstand and Mox smiled as he saw it, just over her shoulder. "You named her?"

Alexa shrugged. "You're right, if I'm going to do this wrestling thing, I'm probably going to have to forgo having pets right away. So, Penny will be my surrogate pet."

Mox found he felt enormously pleased at the idea that she was willing to let the cheap little stuffed animal play such an important role in her life. _She has to feel something for me._ Emboldened by the thought he reached out and stroked her hair. Again, she stiffened, but again she relaxed. "Lexa," he said, keeping his voice soft and what he hoped was soothing. "I'd like to ask you something."

"Okay."

He could hear that hesitation in her voice, but she didn't say no. He drew in a deep breath to steady himself. "You know I would never, uh, force you, right?" He didn't have to say what he meant, she knew.

"Yeah," she said. "Did I say or do something that made you think I was worried you would?"

"No," Mox said. "But, uh, I'd like to take the lead… at least once."

"I've let you take the lead before."

He could hear the defense creeping into her voice and he rushed to assure her. "Yes, you have. But that's always been after the first time, you know? I'd like to… take the lead right from the start. Please? I mean, we won't do anything unless you absolutely want it and you'll have to tell me you want to, but can you tell me and then… just give me a chance? If you don't like what I do, I'll stop, I promise."

"Guys can't stop once they get started, unless you kick them in the balls or something," she muttered.

"Not all guys," Mox said, deciding not to debate with her that there were plenty of other guys who wouldn't force a woman either. Given her background, this was a discussion for another time. "And definitely not me. Look, I get it if you're not ready for this, but… I'd really like it if you gave me a chance. If not tonight, then some time soon?" He felt like he was begging and he hated himself for it.

She was silent for awhile, and Mox was sure she was going to say no. _If she does, I'm going to shrug and make like it's no big deal_ But to his surprise, she nodded and even added, "We, uh, could start tonight?"

"Do you want to?" Mox asked, wanting to be absolutely sure this was what she wanted, that he wasn't pushing her.

She hesitated, which he took as a good sign. She was thinking it over, making sure she wasn't trying to please him. "Yeah," she finally said.

So, he tried with her, using everything he'd been shown and taught to make her feel good. And instead of doing them because he was instructed, he did them because he cared about the woman he was with, because he didn't want it to come across like he was just doing it. He wanted her to think he was…he was…

_Making love?_

Was he capable of such a thing? He knew he could feel love, he did love his family, he loved Raven, he even loved May in some type of, "You're - the - sister - of - my- surrogate - sister,- and - my - brother's - lady, way. But romantic love was so complicated and all mixed in with sex, which he wasn't sure if he could ever mix with love.

But he tried. He did everything he'd been taught to do "right," and did things he thought she might like, taking the sounds she made and the movements of her body as guidelines for what he was doing right or wrong. And when she arched her back, head digging into the pillow, and cried out, he was pretty sure he'd done something right.

When they were done though, she said nothing. Mox wasn't expecting a pat on the back, or for her to give him a thumbs up and go, "Good job, Mox! I give you an 8.9!" But he wanted _something._ A "whoa!" or even a huge sigh of contentment would have been enough.

He remembered Marc and Roman talking once, with one of the new campers, some kid who was barely eighteen, who bragged that he knew he'd done good in the sack when his girlfriend screamed and told him "Enough!"

He remembered Marc and Roman just laughing as if they'd heard the funniest joke ever. The kid started looking pissed, then Roman shook his head. "Dude, you've got it all wrong. Know how you know when you've done good?"

Surly in both expression and tone, the kid said, "how?"

"When you say, 'Hey baby, I'm gonna get a glass of water, do you want one too?' and she says, 'm-hum-wha? huh?"

And Marc had nodded his head in agreement. The kid hadn't looked amused and Mox had been confused, so when the kid stormed off he looked at his brothers and asked them what that meant.

"It's simple," Marc explained. "You know you've really made her happy if she's unable to speak for a few minutes."

Roman had nodded in agreement. "Screaming like that kid said? Wrong. Maybe while you're doing it, a little screaming, but when it's over? She should not be yelling at you, she should be looking and feeling like her brain leaked out of her ear."

He hadn't really understood back then and wasn't sure he understood now, but he did ask her if she wanted a drink, and she just shook her head. But nothing about the way she shook her head made her seem like her brain had leaked out her ear.

But, she did snuggle up to him, and for now, that had to be enough.


	18. Chapter 18

_Guilt is related to shame. Guilt comes from the belief that you are responsible for the abuse. Remember, this happened when you were a child, and adults are supposed to protect children, not abuse them. You are not responsible for the abuse you experienced._

When Males Have Been Sexually Abused as Children: A Guide for Men (Although part quoted could apply to any sexually abused child)

Chapter Eighteen

{o}-{o}-{o}

The whole family, went to Roman's doctor appointment that would give him the results of his last group of tests, the only exception being Noella because she had to stay home with the twins. But Marc promised that when the doctor was getting ready to tell them, he would call and put her on speaker so she could hear the news for herself.

Alexa wasn't there, but technically, she wasn't family, and she had pointed out that with Sefa, Marc, and Mox going to this, there wasn't going to be much wrestling training going on at SPWA today. At least she could do was her weight training. It would be a day of primarily exercise and thinking about their wrestling characters today. Mox couldn't fault her logic, but he wished she had wanted to go along. He wanted her to feel part of his family.

All of them were allowed in the examination room, which had never happened before. Mox had his turns going to several appointments and he'd never been allowed past the waiting room, that seemed to be a right reserved for Jen or May. _That has to be a good sign,_ Mox thought as they all filed into the back where the examining rooms were.

The nurse who took them to the examining room was cheerful from the moment she came out to get Roman and said they could all come along, to when they all filed into the room and she took Roman's blood pressure, oxygen level, and temperature. When she weighed him, she announced that he'd gain two pounds since his last visit in such a happy and proud voice, you would have thought she had personally cooked and fed him every single bit of food he put in his mouth. When she did take partial credit by telling him she was pleased Roman had been taking her advice about his diet, Mox saw Jen and May stiffen slightly, and he half expected Jen to tell the nurse to listen up, that she had made all the food Roman was eating, at least at home, and May to nod and tell them she was in charge of his diet when they went out.

All of this seemed like a good sign to Mox, but then it occurred to him that maybe the news was bad, and the nurse was being extra cheerful to throw them off. But then again, Roman had gained weight, didn't that mean he was doing better?

There weren't enough chairs in the examining room, so Mox was leaning against the wall, trying not to look nervous and wishing, almost praying, the doctor would get in and tell them what was up. Lance was standing next to him and he kept sneaking looks at him, thinking Lance would be the one most likely to know if this cheerfulness was good or not. Lance was biting the skin on his thumb, which could show nervousness, but his brow was smooth, and when Lance worried, he got lines in his forehead, so maybe he was chewing on his thumb because he had nothing better to do.

It seemed like forever before Dr. Jordan Pryor, one of the best, and youngest oncologist in Florida, possibly the USA, came into the room. He was smiling. "Wow, this room is busy," he said, walking over to Roman. The two of them fist bumped, and Mox had the feeling that throughout this ordeal the two of them had become more than patient and doctor, but casual friends.

Mox thought if they started to go through introductions, he'd start screaming in frustration, and he must not have been the only one, because Dr, Pryor didn't express any interest in finding out who everyone was, instead he smiled. "I have really good news."

Mox knew he had been nervous and tense, but he hadn't known just how nervous and tense he was until he heard those five words. Then it was like a tightly wound spring, released itself inside of him, and to his surprise, even though the news was good, it hurt when it unwound, like something slammed into the walls of his stomach.

He could barely hear the rest of what the doctor said, he was so busy feeling that painful relief and wanting to hug Roman, but he picked up the gist of it, Roman's cancer was pretty much gone. He'd have two more treatments, then get a stem cell transplant of his own cells that had been removed earlier for this reason. Yes, for at least a couple of years, he'd have his blood tested every three months, and tests every six months, but that was just to make sure the cancer stayed gone and if it tried to attack again, they could head it off at the pass.

"I'm very optimistic about this," Dr. Pryor said. He smiled at everyone, perfect white teeth contrasting against his dark skin. He looked at Roman, "You're going to be fine, Roman. You're going to have your life back."

"Except for football," Roman said, and he was smiling, but Mox sensed a little bit of bitterness. But it wasn't very much.

"I'll bet you can still wrestle," Lance said, and everyone in the room but Dr. Pryor and Jen agreed, wrestling would be a fine alternative to wrestling, even Noella who was participating through the phone.

There was hugging, lots of hugging, which Mox was happy to be drawn into. When Roman hugged him, Mox felt something crack and tears rolled down his face. He'd cried for Roman before, he'd even sobbed, but this was nothing like that, this was joy and relief and he felt breathless too. And when they drew apart, he saw tears in Roman's eyes too.

.

"So, does this mean you'll be heading back to FCW?" Alexa said, when he told her the news.

Mox was startled for a moment, realizing that he'd been so focused on Roman getting better that he wasn't even thinking of when he could go back to FCW. "Not right now," he said, realizing he wanted that to be true. He wanted to get back to FCW, get back to working towards WWE, but not until he knew everything was all right. "Roman still has two treatments to go through, then some other stuff. I don't want to leave until I know he's healthy. And I know Marc and Sefa will appreciate it if I do. They'll still want to spend time with him and go to doctor's appointments and stuff."

"Good," Alexa said, looking relieved, "I'm not nearly done training yet."

"Well, I'm still going to be here awhile," Mox confirmed. He didn't ask, but he sure hoped Alexa wasn't wishing Roman was still sick. _Nobody is that cold, are they?_

His mind answered his own question too quickly. _Look at the people who took you and Alexa and tell me how cold people are capable of being._

.

Sefa insisted everyone went out for dinner together, to a "nice" place to celebrate. Jen agreed and went someplace private to make reservations, obviously knowing what restaurant "a nice place" meant to her and her husband.

Alexa tried to beg off from going, claiming she had nothing appropriate to wear, but May shook her head. "I've got something you can borrow."

"The place isn't that fancy," Sefa said shrugging. "It's not the place you'd go in worn jeans and a T-shirt, but it's not like you have to wear something extra frilly."

"Then I know I have something you can borrow," May said, taking Alexa's hand. "You're only an inch taller than I am, and I don't wear my skirts or dresses very short, if you want to wear something like that. I have a denim skirt that should fit you and it's a good compromise between casual and dressy."

Alexa looked over at Mox as if she hoped he'd intervene on her behalf and say she didn't have to go. Sefa must have caught the look, because he said, "I'm sure it would mean a lot to Mox if you'd come along with us."

At that, Alexa allowed May to lead her off. Sefa gave a slight nod as if he'd done good.

Mox noted that Sefa hadn't said the whole family would like it if Alexa came along, just Mox.

.

The restaurant turned out to be the type of place where the tables had pure white tablecloths, cloth napkins, and water glasses that someone came around to refill every time you took more than a tiny sip. But, all the waitstaff wore dark pants and polo shirts. "Remember the days when waiters would wear tuxedo shirts in a place like this?" Sefa asked as he pulled out Jen's chair for her.

"Remember the poor waitstaff who had to try to keep those shirts a pristine white?" May said back in a teasing tone. "I'd rather see a polo shirt than a tuxedo shirt with sauce stains."

Mox had the feeling if Alexa had joked about the difficulties of keeping white shirts white, Sefa would have been slightly offended. But because it was May, he took it in good humor.

.

Sefa wanted to order champagne to celebrate, but Roman shook his head. "Sorry, Dad, but I'd rather wait until I am done with chemo altogether." He smiled, but Mox could see a bit of worry behind his eyes. "I am optimistic after my appointment, but I want to be 100% sure before we break out the champagne."

_He doesn't want to jinx it,_ Mox thought and understood. If he'd been Roman, he would have felt the same way.

Nobody questioned Roman's decision, but Sefa did order some excellent white wine, and they did raise a toast to Roman, which everyone took turns clinking their glasses against Roman's. Roman and May clinked last and Roman grinned. "Are you going to go running off on me soon, Baby Girl?"

Mox felt Alexa stiffen next to him, but she said nothing, which Mox thought was a good sign.

"Not yet," May said grinning. "We'll talk about that later, after we drink champagne."

"You're welcome to stay as long as you want," Sefa said. "And if you're tired of not working, now that Roman doesn't need a constant babysitter, if you want to train wrestlers, I'll put you on the payroll."

May's eyes sparkled. "Really? That would be great," she said. "But only if you need me, I don't want to be a charity case."

"You can't be," Jen said firmly. "You have been there for Roman, not just in spirit, but really been there. You didn't just pop in and out, you held his hand when he was hurting, you helped take care of him. You emptied and cleaned the bucket when he was sick. Nobody who does that can be a charity case, they're family."

"Thanks for making me sound helpless," Roman said, looking embarrassed.

"Even if you did nothing for Roman, just showed up out of the blue, I'd hire you to train," Sefa said. "We don't get many female instructors and I know the female wrestlers would like that, so just for that, I'd hire you on. But, Mox over here has got to get back to FCW, back to his career."

Again, Alexa stiffened beside him, but this time Mox was right along with her. "I'm not going anywhere until I'm sure Roman is all right and will be all right," he said firmly. Before his father could object he continued. "I don't care if I blow my chance with the WWE this time, I won't be much good at all if I'm worried about Roman. So, I'll be here until I feel comfortable leaving him. If this means I have to go back to the Indies, that's fine, I liked the indies. If you don't want to pay me, fine, I'll do it for room and board."

"Mox, I don't want you to throw this chance away," Sefa said. "It might be your only chance."

"Besides," Lance added, "I'm going to stick around here, so you can go back to FCW."

"And I'll be here," May said firmly.

"No, I'm staying!" Mox insisted.

"So am I," Lance said.

"Time out!" Roman said, his voice carrying over the entire table, maybe even the entire restaurant, because Mox could swear he felt the eyes of other people on him.

_Don't be a jackass telling everyone you're fine,_ Mox thought, trying to speak to Roman with telepathy.

"Look, this is about me," Roman said, apparently unable to hear telepathic conversations. "I have some say in this." He looked at Lance. "You're going back to Empire State University and back to Empire State Wrestling at the start of the Fall semester. I know you like where you are now, but I know you loved ESU, and they'll be thrilled to have you back. So, you're going. You're the degree collector of the family, go back to that. I'll be off Chemo before you go, so you'll know I'm going to be all right." Before Lance could speak, he looked at Mox, "You can stay for awhile at least. I want you to go back, but you're right, you won't do much good if all you're doing is worrying about me."

Sefa started to speak, but Roman raised his hand and kept speaking, cutting him off. "Besides, everyone tells me Alexa is great with the weight training, and she's getting better and better with her own wrestling training. I'm sure you don't want her to leave." He looked at Alexa and smiled.

Alexa smiled back, with this quirky little grin on her face that Mox had a feeling translated to, "You tell 'em, Roman. Don't let your family push you around." And Mox thought that was great.

"Dad, you're always telling me how frustrated you are at being unable to find good instructors so you and Marc aren't working six days a week, sunup to sundown, well, now you have more than just you and Marc. Don't be in such a hurry to send them away. If the place can afford them, let them stay. Take some time off. I know you and Mom haven't slept well, or had much time together since this whole mess started. So, take that time." He looked at May, "As for you, Baby Girl, you know you're welcome to stay as long as you want, but I don't want you to throw away your wrestling career either. Stay until you feel comfortable leaving me, then go. I know you'll worry about me if you go too soon."

"I'll worry about you no matter when I leave," May said.

"Yeah, but there will come a time when you won't worry as much." He reached out and took one of her many tiny braids and gently tugged on it. "And I promise you, I'll always be honest with you. Every test I take, you'll know when I'm taking it and what the results are. I won't bullshit you either."

Mox waited for Jen to tell Roman to watch his language, but instead Jen was looking at Roman and May as if she was so filled with love for both of them, she might start crying.

"Fine," May said, nodding, "But Roman, seriously, if the doctor allows you? Think about wrestling. I know you, you won't do well in an office, you'll be much happier, wrestling."

"You know me too well," Roman said, "But let's see what the doctor's say when I'm completely recovered, okay?"

May nodded, knowing that was about the best she was going to get and Mox understood that. Roman wasn't going to make any plans until he was sure what he could or couldn't do, and how long it would take. If it would take more than a couple years to be back to before chemo, or as best he could be, he might consider taking a job, just so he wasn't living off his parents, but Mox had the feeling Sefa would hire him to help Jen with the paperwork end of the business. Which Roman would protest, but maybe if he took it, Sefa and Jen would consider taking a vacation. Mox reminded himself to drop that idea to Roman, as an incentive to stay on with the family business.

"How come everyone else gets to stay until they feel better, but I have to leave this Fall?" Lance grumbled.

"Because schools are different," Roman said. "It's best to start with a new school in the Fall."

"I'm working on my PhD," Lance said. "It's not like regular college. The place where I am now has a graduate program, so what difference does it make where I am?"

"Because you like ESW," Roman reminded him. "You've gone on and on about how you feel you're respected for what you can do, not just because your father is a WWE Hall of Famer. That's important and I don't want to stop that. Besides, I know you, you're probably working on other degrees too."

"Sort of," Lance admitted, which absolutely said he was. Lance's scope of interest seemed to focus on two things, wrestling and education.

Mox had no real idea of how further education worked. He'd gotten his GED, and that was as far as his education went. He had this idea that you went to college for four years, got a bachelor's degree in something, then if you wanted, you went further. He knew there were degrees called "Masters" and "PhD." He knew one or both of those required writing something called a "Thesis," mostly because those were things Lance spoke about. Sometimes Mox wondered if Lance would become the most educated person in the world, getting all the degrees possible, then ignoring them for wrestling. _Well, whatever makes him happy._ He looked at Lance, deciding to deflect some of the heat off of Roman and maybe get the family to talk about other things. "So, what are you getting your PhD in?"

"Chemistry," Lance said, shrugging as doctorates in chemistry were easy to get and everyone ought to have at least one. "I already have a masters in Math and psychology. I hope to get doctorates in those, too."

"God, you remind me of Spencer," Mox said, shaking his head.

"Who's that?" Lance asked, and Mox realized everyone was searching their memories to see if he'd ever mentioned a guy named Spencer before. "Is he a brilliant wrestler like me?"

Mox grinned, thinking Lance sounded eager, as if having another brilliant wrestler around could be great fun, and was pretty sure he was already thinking of them meeting up and becoming an intellectually brilliant tag team that would not only be excellent wrestlers, but would dazzle folks with their intelligent promos. _That will probably bore the audience to tears_ Mox thought, but he shook his head, "No, Spencer is a guy I know from the FBI, the BAU to be exact."

Now everyone at the table really focused their attention on him, even Alexa and he began to feel like a single- cell organism under a microscope. The family knew he worked with the FBI before, they knew he spoke to kids about being abducted. But, Mox never talked about the folks he knew in the FBI.

"They have a BAU in Miami?" Lance asked.

"No, just in Quantico," Mox said. "I've worked with them a couple of times, trying to give them information that might help them, uh, catch the types of guys that held me captive." He squirmed in his chair, wishing he hadn't brought the subject up. "They don't know too much about them, because they live in a semi underground world and they have learned to behave normally enough that they are hard to recognize. If they make it to prison for abusing kids, they don't last very long. The BAU think I can give them an insider perspective."

"Tell me more about Spencer," Lance said, and Mox knew he was being thrown a lifeline to get him off the subject of his capture and imprisonment.

"He's got a massive brain, just like you," Mox said, grinning. "You almost expect to find out he uses diplomas for place mats and coasters. He's not as good with people in general as you are, though."

"A lot of geniuses aren't," Lance said, confidentially. "Most of us have some type of social difficulty. How bad it is depends on the person. I know I'm not perfect at catching all the social cues, but I do all right. I'm not afraid of shaking hands, or being touched in a social matter."

_I sure was,_ Mox thought. _But it wasn't because I'm brilliant._ "Spencer is not keen on shaking hands," Mox admitted.

"Okay, how else is he socially awkward?"

Mox felt uncomfortable. Spencer Reid was a little weird, but in general, a nice guy and Mox wasn't sure he should be talking about him like this. "Well, one time when I was talking with him, telling him that, uh, most of the strangers I dealt with and made movies with, were guys, but the best I could tell, they thought of themselves as straight. He went to great lengths to tell me that true pedophiles it's less about the gender of a child and more about having control. He also explained that there were different classifications. Pedophiles liked kids between toddlers and around nine or so. Those that liked older kids, like just before puberty hit were hebephiles." Spencer had told him a lot more, but he knew this information was hitting way too close for Alexa's comfort. "It's like he can't resist giving away his knowledge, even if it's not needed. If you said you were going to go to the store to buy a toaster, he'd probably give you the history of toasters, who made the first one, all that information."

"Well, the first toasters were technically just sticks that held bread on them so they could be toasted over an open fire," Lance said. "It was very common in Roman times. But if you're talking about electric toasters, then it was Alan MacMasters who is considered to have invented the first appliance that was made only for making toast in 1893-"

"Whatever you say, Spencer," Mox said, rolling his eyes. "I was giving you that as an example to show you how socially awkward he is, not so you could prove you can be just as weird."

"All right," Lance conceded, "But I'd still like to meet him someday. I don't often get to talk with people who are my intellectual equal."

_And you probably have no idea how offensive that sounds,_ Mox thought. _Maybe you are less savvy with the social thing than you thought you were._

Fortunately, the waiter came over and asked them if they were finally able to order and everyone fell over themselves to tell him they certainly were. Once every order was taken, and the waiter going off to get the salads and appetizers, May launched into telling everyone about the latest adventures of her younger siblings. With so many of them, there was always an amusing story about at least one of them, often more. The subject of the FBI, Spencer, social awkwardness, and even Roman's announcement of what folks were allowed to do and not do were forgotten, at least temporarily.

.

Alexa was quiet all the way through dinner and on the ride home. Most folks didn't notice, but Mox did. So when they were back in the apartment, he tried to draw her out. "Are you okay?"

She shrugged, "I'm fine. I want to wash up and get ready for bed."

Mox let her go, knowing trying to get her to talk when she wasn't ready would never work. Instead, because the A/C didn't work well in the tiny place, he changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top, glad to get out of his "business casual" clothing. He put a clean pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt near the door in case someone knocked. He had been better at getting Alexa not to beat up on him, but he still had bruises, most of them a sickly shade of greenish yellow. It bothered and embarrassed him that he had to have a cover up plan if someone besides Alexa saw him, but he was hoping when these bruises faded, they would be the last ones she'd give him.


	19. Chapter 19

The mere attempt to examine my own confusion would consume volumes

_-James Agee_

.

Chapter Nineteen

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Even though she felt guilty, part of Alex really wished Roman wasn't doing so well. It wasn't that she hated the guy, well, she was still a little pissed that he kept insisting on calling May, Baby Girl, but she had accepted that if May was too stupid to feel degraded by it, it was none of Alexa's business.

She was grateful to Roman for telling Mox he could stay on until he felt Roman was well enough, but Alexa started feeling like a clock was ticking. She knew Mox had a one year leave of absence, and she really didn't like discovering that she had assumed Roman would be sicker for a whole lot longer. Hardly aware she'd been doing it, Alexa had made too many conclusions. Mox wouldn't be ready to go back to FCW in time, he would lose his contract and have to go back to the indies. By then, she would be ready and the two of them could go out. Mox was already known, so he could put in a good word for her. Like Jessica had been her "sponsor" getting her into underground fighting, Mox could be her "sponsor" to get her into professional wrestling, at least until she was started, building up her own rep, and ready to go off on her own.

While they had been sitting in that restaurant, her wearing a borrowed skirt and blouse, so she already felt that discomfort one could only get by wearing someone else's clothing, while that someone else was present, she felt like choices were being made around her, choices that would affect her, but nobody was including her. Then Mox dropped the bombshell, he had friends in the FBI.

She knew he had worked with the FBI when his captor was brought to justice. He'd been the star witness, after all. The one that assured the world that Dennis would not be allowed to see the light of day, considering the length of his sentence and his age. But he'd never told her he was still working with the FBI. That he had friends in the FBI, or at least one person he knew well enough to know his name, that he was brilliant, and had a variety of social idiosyncrasies. That seemed like an awful lot of information to know about someone.

She tried to keep all of this to herself. When they returned home from dinner, she washed up and got ready for bed. When she came out of the bathroom, Mox was watching reruns of _The Twilight Zone_. She sat down beside him. "Is this really that important?" She motioned to the TV set.

Mox clicked off the TV and put the remote on the coffee table. "No, it's just the TV. Is something wrong?"

"If you tell your friends at the FBI about me, won't they want to talk to me?" She knew she was biting her lower lip, but she couldn't help herself. She wanted to be calm about this, but it wasn't easy.

"There's a big 'if' there," Mox said, turning to look at her. "Do you want to talk to them?"

"No," she said, shaking her head as well. "But, aren't you obligated? You know who I am, well, who I was, I'd imagine the FBI might be looking for me."

"Why?" Mox asked. "You did nothing wrong. You were a victim."

_Not exactly_, she thought. _Sexual abuse? Yes, but unlike you, I murdered my captives._

"You escaped," Mox continued. "Sure, if we want to go on technical lines, you should report it so they could catch the guys who held you captive, but-"

"There's no one to catch," Alexa interrupted.

"Well in that case," Mox began, then stopped and looked at her. "Wait, what do you mean?"

She drew in a deep breath. "I got away from that life. I didn't exactly escape from my captors. And I'm not at all worried that they're looking for me, well, because they're dead."

"Was it an accident?" Mox asked, never taking those blue eyes off of her.

She didn't hesitate. "No."

He nodded. "Good, they deserved it."

She knew he got it. He might not have a clue how she did it, but he knew she had murdered "Daddy Ken" and "Uncle Sean" and he wasn't going to ask her for details. "So, I really don't want to talk to the FBI."

"You don't have to," Mox said. "I barely talk to them anymore anyway. I mean, if you wanted to give them your insight, they'd probably love it, but I do it voluntarily. Just like I go to elementary schools voluntarily to talk to kids about how to stay safe. I had to do it at first, as a favor, but I don't anymore. Now I go because I want to. If you don't want to, you don't have to."

"I really don't want to discuss it with strangers," she said. "I-I wish I could forget it all, but I can't. Like it or not, it's a part of me. Even if I could forget, it would still be part of me."

He nodded. "I get it. But I'm not going to tell the FBI about you, I promise. It's none of their business. Maybe you used to be Suzie, but you aren't any more. You're Alexa Bliss. That's all that matters."

"Do you know how much evidence they have about me?" she asked. "I mean, movies I did and such?"

"No," he admitted. "I know they have the movies we did together. And, since they monitor sites looking for that type of stuff, they probably have other movies you did. Or pictures, if they made you do that. But you're not a criminal."

"But I know you caught a lot of grief for the movies you made with me," she said. She hadn't taken her eyes off of him, this whole conversation, even though she wanted to.

"That was different. I was significantly older than you. I know they tried to hide it, but it was pretty obvious if I hadn't hit puberty I would be soon." His brows furrowed. "They didn't make you do any movies with-"

"Nobody significantly younger than me," she said. "I didn't do much with kids, but the stuff I did with them, they were right around my age. Most of the movies I made were with men. A few with women, but they were adults."

"I'm not surprised," he said. "You're so beautiful and you look young." He started to fidget and she waited, knowing he had something to say. "You are legal now, aren't you?"

She nodded. "I had wine tonight. My Alexa Waters ID says I'm older than I am, but even if I had ID with Alexa Bliss, it would say I'm over 21."

The sigh of relief he gave was so deep that despite her fears, she laughed. "Mox, we had sex when we were both kids, what difference would it make?"

"It would to me," Mox said. "When we made those movies, we really had no choice. But now? We're doing it of our own free will and your age matters to me."

"Well, don't worry, it's fine," she said, strangely touched that it mattered so much to him.

.

They ended up having sex "his way" that night, which was the only way they had been doing it lately. If Alexa was to be honest with herself, she liked it, but it scared her too. Mox was so gentle, so tender with her and she wanted to trust him completely, but she couldn't help it, part of her felt as if she was no longer in control and thus, it took longer. Taking longer wasn't necessarily a problem either, it was nice to move slowly, it was nice to feel like Mox was worshiping her and her body, not just responding to the blows and kicks she reigned on him. But it also showed how messed up they were. If they were normal, this gentleness would be the key, wouldn't it? So, why was the fastest way and often the most intense way to get started was by her knocking Mox around for a bit.

_Are we messed up forever?_ she found herself thinking, even while he was kissing down her body. _Were we so fucked up as kids that I'll always want to be in control? That the only way we'll really have intense sex is if I'm beating on him and he's being beaten?_

.

"What did the Reigns do when they found out what you'd done as a kid?" Alexa asked the next morning, as they were drinking coffee. Mox didn't drink a lot of coffee, although he admitted when he was young, he had been a constant coffee drinker. But, he did like his morning coffee and it always had to be good coffee. Alexa had only drunk diner coffee and never got why folks praised the bitter drink so much, until Mox started making it for her. He had a burr grinder and bought his beans in small batches. Mox's coffee was wonderful and Alexa knew she was likely on her way to a coffee habit.

"I never made an official announcement," Mox said, putting a splash of half and half into his cup, then pushing it over to her. "They just figured it out. Pretty fast too." He shrugged, taking a sip of his coffee and then getting that contented half grin he got every morning with his first sip. "The second day I was with them, Sefa took me to the doctor. On the way, he told me that the rule in the house was that my body was mine and nobody could touch me if I didn't want them to."

_That must have been nice_, Alexa thought, _Instead of having to sell your body to get enough to eat._ She thought of her own life right after she left, what she had to do to survive and shuddered.

"Are you cold?" Mox asked.

She shook her head. "Was that it?"

Mox's cheeks flushed. "They told me that I had to respect that rule for others too. That I couldn't touch anyone else without their permission. I think they were worried about Lance."

Alexa felt her nostrils flare, but couldn't stop it. "Oh, so they believe into that bullshit that just because you were sexually abused, you'll grow up to be a child molester? That is such bullshit! Most of us-"

"I wasn't offended," Mox said, effectively cutting her off. "I understood. I was a stranger. They were allowing me in their house and they hardly knew me. Sefa didn't accuse me of anything, they never chained me to the bed to make sure. Never stopped Lance from talking to me, unless he was getting on _my_ nerves. All Dad, well, he was Sefa to me then, did was to tell me that I needed to respect that everyone else had the same rights I did, to allow or not allow themselves to be touched. He could have just called child services and had me hauled off to foster care."

She took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. "What else did they do to help you?"

Mox tipped his head to one side, figuring out what she meant. "They loved me, mostly. They got me into the system as a John Doe kid to get me medical insurance from the state. They wanted to adopt me, but a bunch of crap went down so they weren't able to do that until I was just about eighteen." He thought for a moment. "Oh yeah, I had to see a talk therapist for awhile."

"Did it help?"

"Not at first," Mox admitted. "I felt like it was some type of trick they were playing on me. Because all the therapist wanted to do was get me to open up about my past, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt like it was a game too. The harder they tried to get me to talk about my past, the harder I worked to avoid that."

"So, it was a waste of time?"

"No," Mox said, and his voice became quiet and serious. "Eventually, I realized I was messed up and instead of fighting, I played it their way. I talked, they listened, they talked, I listened. It took me awhile, but I think it did help me. It wasn't perfect, nothing is, but at least I have a better understanding of myself. Which, I think helps me when I work with other sexually abused children." His face took on that pinkish glow again. "I have my talk therapist's business card in my wallet. I've called him since and he's helped me. I even went a couple times when Roman got sick and we moved up here."

"Why?"

"Because I was confused and I needed someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't care about my mood." He took a sip of coffee. "Yeah, I could talk to Lance, Sefa, Marc, you, Jen, and I did, but all those folks, including you, have an emotional investment in the situation. Charles doesn't. He cares, but he's also got dozens of other patients he cares about too. He can't let every personal situation with his clients upset him, or he can't do his job. It's nice sometimes to talk to someone who isn't going to get upset, the two of you aren't going to end up crying, and when I leave his office he'll make a few notes and go on to the next person."

"Do you think I should go to Talk Therapy?"

Mox shrugged. "It's a personal thing."

"That isn't what I asked," Alexa said. "I asked if you thought I should go. Not how I felt about it."

Mox squirmed looking uncomfortable. "Do I think it could help you? Yeah. But only if you're open to it. Unless you're open to therapy, it won't do you any good."

"Do you want me to be open to it?"

"I said, I think it could help," Mox said and his voice was firm. "But again, it's a personal choice."

She knew by the set of his jaw he wouldn't discuss it any further. And she wondered if it was because he really didn't want to discuss it, or he was afraid she'd start an argument about it.

.

"Do you ever get mad at Roman?" Alexa asked May. It was nearing dinner time and the two of them were doing mock matches in one of the empty outdoor rings, Mox's favorite as it turned out. May was turning out to be a pretty good teacher, Alexa had to admit. She was teaching Alexa some high flying moves, while others were teaching her ground moves.

May had been about to climb the ropes to show her something but stopped and turned to Alexa. "Of course I do. Doesn't everyone get mad at each other?"

"I've never seen you mad at him," Alexa said. "Is that just because he's sick?"

May shrugged. "That's part of it. It's hard to get mad at someone who is fighting for his life, but that didn't make him bulletproof. Remember when he was nauseous all the time, no matter what meds he was given?"

Alexa nodded. Mox had been scared and so had the rest of the family, even though they tried to pretend otherwise. Roman himself looked awful, having gone from being able to hold down turkey most of the time, to only being able to hold down turkey broth part of the time. That was when chemotherapy took away his lashes and brows finally, which made him look even more pathetic. She didn't know why, but she remembered being vaguely angry at Roman herself and she'd had no good reason. _Maybe it was because it seemed like he was giving up and to me, he had so much to live for?_

"Well," May said, looking around. "Remember they changed his meds again and that seemed to work?"

She did remember that. The whole family had been overcome with joy that Roman was able to hold food down, not just turkey or turkey broth, but light meals at first, then normal ones.

"The new med didn't work a damn," May said, almost scornfully, as if she'd known before he'd tried it that it would fail.

"But he stopped being nauseous and throwing up all the time." Alex's brow furrowed, feeling confused.

"Yeah," May nodded. "Because Lance bought a bag of pot."

Alexa was no stranger to drugs, there were plenty of them in the underground fighting scene. Although, marijuana was usually something the watchers did, not the fighters. But she'd been offered steroids enough times. She had always refused them, because Jessica told her if she started using steroids, she'd have to leave the apartment they shared, and that steroids were just stupid. Alexa didn't think about drugs much, but she knew they were a big thing at SPWA and in the Reign's family. Every camper had to take a test before they could enroll, and they signed a waiver that said they could be retested at any time. The WWE tested people for drugs, the little promotion Lance fought in ESW made him take tests and sign the same type of waiver. Mox told her Roman was subject to tests back in High school in order to play football. "And did Roman smoke it?"

"Not at first," May admitted. "He hardly had the strength to go to the bathroom, but he fought against it tooth and nail. And I was furious. I finally told him if he didn't at least try it, I'd leave. I couldn't stand watching him slowly waste away, unwilling to try anything that might help him. Mad at him? I could barely speak to him until he gave in. I was still helping to take care of him, but I made it clear he had 48 hours, two days, to either try it, or I was gone."

"Wow, you strong-armed him big time," Alex said, not sure if it was right to think May bullying Roman while he was at his weakness was a good thing, but unable to stop herself. May was right, Roman being too weak to fight back didn't change that. Maybe smoking pot was illegal, but if you were dying and something came along that might help you with the worst of your symptoms, didn't you owe it to people who cared to try it?

May nodded. "And I felt terrible while I did it, but I kept it up. He finally broke down when I was packing my stuff to leave when the two days were almost up. Lance was in the room, trying to talk to Roman too, giving him information he'd learned. Roman was weak and looked like he might cry, but I kept packing. He finally agreed." She paused and smiled. "Lance got a box fan and put it in the bedroom window to vent out the smoke. Then, we realized he had no way to smoke it. Lance didn't get a pipe or papers, he let that go right over his head."

"So what did you do?"

May shrugged. "Lance got on the 'net and found out how to make a makeshift pipe with a soda can and a sewing needle. Poor Roman almost coughed a lung out, but he smoked it."

"It helped, obviously," Alexa said.

"Well, his lungs weren't too happy, but it settled down the nausea really fast. It was near lunch, so I got him some soup. He ate it all and took a nap. When he woke up, we had him smoke some more, and he came down to dinner and ate. Not a lot, but more than he had been. No throwing up, no nausea. He even said it was helping a bit with the bone aches and other symptoms."

"Yeah, but putting that stuff in your lungs when you're weak..." Alexa let her voice trail off, remembering how she felt sometimes when she fought in clubs that allowed smoking, which was a lot of them. She'd never smoked a cigarette, pot or otherwise, but she knew her lungs weren't keen on second hand smoke either.

"Yeah, that worried me," May admitted. "So, Lance and I got on the web after Roman had gone to sleep, looked up a few things, and went to the kitchen. We made pot brownies. We made them all wrong, we just sorta stirred in some pot with a batch of Betty Crocker, but they worked. A little crunchy though." She laughed and shook her head. "Eventually, I learned how to make cannabis butter. It's a long process, but when you're done, you can just use it like you'd use butter in any recipe. I got my mother's brownie recipe and used the cannibutter. Roman liked them. They worked perfectly, and had the extra bonus of being able to take along when he had treatments."

"Wasn't that dangerous?" Alexa inhaled sharply as if trying to suck the words back in. May wouldn't do anything to endanger Roman and she hoped the woman didn't get mad.

"At that point, we just wanted Roman to not be so sick," May admitted, not at all offended. "We did tell his doctor what we were doing."

"What did the doctor say?"

"He said that he couldn't legally tell Roman it was all right. But he also said that if Roman were his son or his brother, he would do whatever was necessary to help him. He never said he approved or authorized, but I think that was a legal matter."

"Did Sefa and Jen know what you were doing?"

"Yes," May said. "They pretended they didn't, but they knew. I kept the cannibutter labeled in the refrigerator, 'May's cooking butter.' Nobody said anything. I kept the brownies in a tin labeled "Roman's brownies." We kept them out of sight so nobody like Sheriff Aaron would accidentally help themselves. It was one of those things where nobody talked about it openly, but everyone knew it was happening."

"Mox never mentioned it," Alexa said.

May looked slightly embarrassed, but only slightly. "Unless Roman or Lance told him straight out, he might not have even realized. The whole thing was treated like the elephant in the room. We all knew what was happening, we all loved that it was working, but we didn't talk about it. Sefa was out there lecturing his students about drug tests, making them get tested. It would have looked really bad if he'd said his son was using it, even if it was medicinal. Mox might have never been told, but just figured it out like everyone but Lance, myself, and Roman did. And if you're pretending something is not happening, part of pretending is not telling someone else."

"I guess," Alexa shrugged and tried to look casual, but part of her wondered, wasn't something like that something you did share with someone you were sleeping with?

"But yeah, I was really angry with him when he wouldn't give pot a try," May said, coming back around to Alexa's original question. "And I've been angry other times too. He's been angry at me. Maybe not as much as some couples because until he got sick, we didn't spend a lot of time together. But it's natural to sometimes get angry with someone, even if, and in some cases _especially_ if you love them."

Alexa found the whole "Roman uses pot" story to be interesting, but she was pretty sure May never got angry at Roman like Alexa got angry at Mox.

.

"Did you know Roman was using pot for his chemo symptoms?" Alexa asked Mox. They were lying in bed together, both in the calm, afterglow of good sex. They'd done it "his way" and Alexa was starting to admit to herself that in some ways, it really was better than "her way," she just wished she could get rid of some of the anger she still felt about enjoying what she was doing.

She had her head on his chest and she could feel him shrugging his shoulders in the dark. "Maybe. I don't know. I've been around enough stoned people that there were a few times when I thought he looked stoned, but I wasn't sure if they were giving him some heavy duty stuff for pain."

"So you didn't know?" she asked him.

"No, not really," Mox said. "I might have sensed it, but to be honest, when he was really suffering, I wouldn't have cared what he used as long as it helped him." He shifted a little, being careful not to jostle her. "If heroin could have helped, we would have found a way to score for him and if he'd become addicted, sent him to rehab. Pot? I just can't think it was a big deal. How did you find out?"

"May told me," Alexa admitted. "We were talking about stuff, and it came out." She didn't want to tell him she was asking her about getting angry at Roman. "I guess Lance looked into it and bought it for him to try."

"That sounds like Lance," Mox said and she could hear the fondness in his voice. Alexa didn't share the same feelings for Lance that Mox and the rest of the Reigns did. She didn't dislike him, he was a good enough teacher at the high flying stuff, but sometimes she found his intelligence and the way his family gathered around him to protect him almost insufferable. "He would be the one to find out what the benefits were," Mox continued. "And he'd weigh the risks. Not that I think pot has a lot of risks, except that you might eat too many brownies." He gave a low chuckle.

"Well, actually that's how they gave it to Roman," Alexa said. "May learned how to make brownies with it. Well, she actually learned how to make butter with it, that she could use in the brownies. She didn't go into detail but it sounded like a complicated process."

"That sounds like May," Mox said, his voice telling Alexa he was smiling as he spoke. "She might pretend that she and Roman have an open relationship, but she'd crawl across broken glass for him. You don't do that if you're not seriously committed to a relationship."

"Do you think Roman is as committed?"

"Yeah, I do," Mox said. "He might not be aware of it, but he is."

She noted that he didn't make any comparisons in their relationship. He didn't suggest that he would hope she would go to all that bother if he were sick. Or that he would if she was sick. But part of her was convinced he would go to all that bother or more if she was sick. He'd learn how to make cannabis butter and make brownies for her. Or, at the very least he'd find a way to get it and make sure she could use it.

She just wasn't sure if she would have done the same thing for him.


	20. Chapter 20

_There are two kinds of music - good music and bad music. Good music is music that I want to hear. Bad music is music that I don't want to hear_.

\- Fran Lebowitz

.

_**Chapter 20**_

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

.

Life was good and getting better in Mox's opinion as he and Roman headed to one of the indoor rings together. Roman had one more treatment to go, but the confidence that he was going to beat his cancer had revitalized him even further. Maybe the cannabis brownies had helped, but a good shot of optimism had done its part too. Roman wasn't limping, wasn't shuffling like he was for so long, he wasn't ghostly white. He walked like someone who might have been a little sore, but it was only the bald head and lack of eyebrows and eyelashes that indicated he had cancer.

He wasn't in any condition to do serious working out, or wrestling, but the doctor was encouraging him to go for walks and do mild exercising. Of course, sometimes it was argued what exactly "mild" meant, because Roman seemed determined to push it to the limits. But fortunately, Roman had May and Mom to remind him not to overdo it, which was fine by Mox. Mox was Roman's brother and he was enjoying having the relationship going back to normal. Having to remind him not to overdo made him feel like he was Roman's babysitter or something.

"The way you're grinning reminds me of our first storyline," Roman remarked. "When you were playing crazy, and I was playing the snotty owner's son. You looked like you were so happy that you were on the manic scale. It freaked me out sometimes, how easy you could do it."

Mox knew he was grinning, and maybe it was a little wild, but he just couldn't seem to stop himself. "Sorry, I don't mean to freak you. I just feel like I'm finally able to breathe again, you know? I mean, I was breathing of course, but when the news came that you were getting better, I just felt like I'd been having trouble and now I wasn't."

"If our lives were a movie, this is the part where they'd play _Walking On Sunshine,"_ Roman said, and he was smiling too. It was a corny thing to say, but it was accurate. "Oh, speaking of good news, I overheard Dad and Marc talking last night. They're going to put Alexa in the show Saturday night."

_Just when I thought things couldn't get any better,_ Mox was sure his grin was wide enough now that he probably looked like The Joker. "Really? Have they told her?"

"I don't think so," Roman said. "I think they're going to tell her today."

Since they were headed to the ring where Alexa and May were working at, Mox hoped he might be there when Alexa was told. She had been working hard, her immediate goal being to get to perform on one of the Saturday night shows. He wanted to see her reaction when she was told. "Who is she going to face?"

"May," Roman said, and added with a grin, "Who else?"

It made perfect sense. Sefa preferred to put a "greenie" with an experienced wrestler whenever possible. Professionals usually knew better how to protect themselves from botches and not to botch themselves. May and Alexa would be great because they also had the advantage of being coach and student. "Does May know?"

Roman nodded. "I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I told her this morning when we went for a walk together. She promised to act surprised when Dad tells her." He tried to have a guilty expression, but his eyes were glittering, ruining the effect. "She's really happy, she thinks the two of them can put on a great match."

May was in almost every Saturday show, just as Mox was and Lance when he was able. Now that he was back at ESU, he wasn't in any shows and wouldn't be, most likely, until Christmas break. Performing to an audience was something they were used to. But this would be a first for Alexa, at least with wrestling. "Is that why May insisted the two of them work together this morning?"

"Probably," Roman said. "I have to give Alexa credit, she's really devoted to this."

"I know," Mox said. A tiny part of him wished it was him that would be her opponent in their first match, just in case she lost it, but she and May had worked together without a problem or an injury that wouldn't be expected from a green wrestler, so maybe it was just time for him to relax and start realizing Alexa was finally getting over her internal anger issues. _She's pretty amazing._

They had entered the ring building, and saw Sefa was watching May and Alexa as they worked together in the ring. When they got close enough, Mox said in a low voice, "Roman says you're putting them in the show Saturday. Is this true?"

Sefa eyes narrowed as he looked at Roman. "Someone was eavesdropping. Who else did you tell?"

"May," Roman cheerfully admitted. "And if you don't want me to overhear, then you and Marc should have discussed it at his place. Or at least kept your voices down."

"Don't be a wise guy," Sefa said. "You're not too old for me to whoop your ass."

Mox had to stifle a laugh. Sefa had never whooped his kid's asses or any other part of them. He had told Mox as much the second day he lived here. He and Jen did not believe in physical punishment.

Roman however, did laugh, clearly not at all bothered by the threat. "Don't worry, she promised to act surprised when you told them. Have you, yet?"

Sefa shook his head. "I was just about to and she might actually have reason to be surprised, despite your spoilers."

Before he could be questioned further, both May and Alexa had finished whatever moves they had been working on, and wandered over to where the guys were. They didn't leave the ring, but May leaned over the ropes. "I thought you were supposed to be watching us," she said cheerfully. "What's so important you stopped spotting?"

Sefa gave her a look that made it clear to anyone in the know that he knew May had been told the surprise. "I'm putting you both in the show Saturday night." He looked over at Alexa, "This will be your first time in front of an audience."

"Oh, that's great!" May said, doing a good job of pretending she didn't know.

Alexa stood next to her looking dumbstruck, then the news seemed to settle into her brain and she smiled, her eyes wide. "Really?" she finally managed to ask.

"Of course," Sefa said. "I wouldn't joke with you about something this important. And, I'm not joking about this part either, you're going to be the main event."

Now May's eyes were wide with shock. "Seriously? But we haven't even built up a story line!"

"We can wing it," Sefa said. "We don't have a major storyline going on right now, so we'll do a promo where one of you does something to piss the other off. Something quick and dirty."

May had been in the main event several times for SPWA, but she still reacted with delight, leaping over the ropes, and first hugging Sefa quick and hard, then hugging Roman. "Main event! That is awesome!"

Mox studied Alexa, whose eyes were still wide, almost as if in shock, until the news sunk in. "Really?" she asked.

"I don't lie," Sefa said. "You've worked hard and you deserve it."

"My first time wrestling with an audience and I'm going to be in the main event," Alexa said, her voice one of breathless wonderment.

"You deserve it," Mox said. Granted, the SPWA shows were about as far down as you could get for professional wrestling shows, but it was still a tribute to how well she had learned to be asked to main event the very first time. It also showed that Sefa, who could be a tough critic to new wrestlers, believed in her.

"I-I can't believe it," Alexa said, still looking a little awestruck, then the news sunk in further and she let out a whoop. "First time and main event! Look out, world, I'm on my way to the top!"

And Mox was so happy for her. And he knew she wasn't the type for huge displays of affection, and she sure wasn't comfortable enough to hug Sefa, but he still wished she'd reacted like May had, jumped out of the ring to hug him. _She'll fuck me, but she won't hug me._

.

Their conversation dominated the lunch table, working out how they were going to come up with an instant rivalry that would justify main event status.

"Don't worry that it's the main event," Sefa said. "You deserve to be in the main event because I know you'll put on a hell of a show. We just need to worry about why you want to fight in the first place."

Several ideas were tossed around, most of them basic, but most wrestling plots were basic. Alexa bumps into May and May takes it personally. May bumps into Alexa and Alexa takes it personally. May suggested maybe Alexa and Roman could be seen talking together, nothing serious, just a conversation, and May sees it and thinks Alexa was trying to steal her man.

Mox watched Alexa stiffen at that suggestion, and was about to dismiss it, but Roman spoke up. "I don't like that. I'm getting better but the last time I got on stage here, I was fit, strong, and had eyebrows and eyelashes. I'm not that person right now, and I don't want to be seen as a wrestler here as SPWA until I look more like my old self."

May nodded in agreement, and Mox watched Alexa's rigid posture relax. He had gotten pretty good at coming up with on-the-fly story lines, both from his time here and in the indies. "How about we stem it off of what's already going on?" he asked.

"Elaborate," Sefa said, helping himself to a sandwich from the platter.

"Well, last week, May had a match with Zelina Vega," Mox said. Zelina was on her second week of camp and the match had been nothing special. She was good enough that Sefa felt she deserved a chance to actually be in the ring, so they had just done a match early in the show. "How about we build on that?" he suggested. "We start with a promo showing you or Marc telling Alexa she's going to have a match with Zelina."

"Go on," Sefa said, a slow smile appearing.

"Well, May hears that and doesn't like it. She's the one who should fight Zelina, not Alexa."

"That would make sense," May said nodding, "Since I put her over. I should get a rematch."

"Exactly," Mox said, warming up to this, the more he spoke. "So, we do another promo we show just before Alexa and Zelina are supposed to go on. May, you do something to Alex, lock her in the closet or something, and go out to take her place. Zelina is surprised, but you can go into a live promo of how you and only you deserve a chance at Zelina, not Alexa." He looked at May, "You can say some disparaging remarks about Alexa too. How she doesn't deserve it, or whatever."

"Then, let me guess," Roman said, "The match barely starts, May throws Zelina out of the ring. Then, Alexa's music starts and she comes running down."

"Yeah," Mox said. "She runs down and distracts May so Zelina gets another win. Zelina disappears, but May and Alexa stay in the ring. You both start arguing."

"Then pushing," May said. "Maybe a little cat fighting?"

"That would work." Mox looked at Alexa, "You could grab her hair or something. And, just when it looks like you really are going to get in an all out cat fight, complete with ripping off each other's clothes, Marc comes out and tells you to cut it out and if you're both so eager to beat each other up, you'll have your chance later that night."

"That works," Sefa said, nodding. "How do you ladies feel about it?"

"I think it's great," May said. "I get to be a heel, which I love. Zelina should be thrilled too, because I put her over twice."

"She's worthy of that," Alexa said. "I've seen her, she works harder than most of the other campers. And she pushes herself on the weight and cardio training too. I know you're much more experienced than she is, May, but she still deserves it."

"I agree," May said. "But what do you think of the idea?"

Alexa nodded, a little slowly, as if she needed a few extra seconds for it all to sink in. "I think it's a good idea."

"Good!" May said, then looked at Sefa. "Who should win?"

"You," Sefa said, and looked at Alexa. "No offense. If this match is as popular as I think it will, we'll be able to spin it into a long going rivalry between the two of you. You're going to eventually have your times at the top."

"I-I don't mind putting her over," Alexa said. "She's been so good at teaching me, it seems only fair. A teacher always keeps a few tricks from her students."

"Okay then," Sefa said nodding. "We've got our reason." He looked over at Marc, who had joined them for lunch. "We need to get the promos filmed and read for Saturday night. Are you up to it?"

Marc nodded. "That shouldn't be a problem."

.

After lunch, Marc took May and Alexa off to shoot promos. Mox wanted to go with them, but he also knew Alexa didn't want him to hover, besides he had classes to teach. He noted Zelina wasn't in the class and hoped she'd been taken off to discuss the new storyline and maybe even to shoot a promo herself. He liked Zelina, she was an eager learner and completely dedicated to wrestling.

He wished he could say the same for the rest of the greens. A lot showed some promise, but there were a few that shouldn't have wasted the money. They didn't have the ambition or the talent. Mox wasn't allowed to openly discriminate against anyone who spent their valuable money to be here, but that didn't mean he couldn't be more likely to see some hands in the air when it came time to ask questions over others.

.

That night at dinner, he found out the shooting had gone well. "I've got plenty of video to work with," Marc said. "And most of it is good enough that my problem won't be trying to find enough good, it will be figuring out what I can eliminate." He looked over at May. "You do much better at talking heel trash than I realized."

May grinned. "I've made extra sure to listen to Raven's promo."

Marc and Mox laughed. "She was born to be a heel," Mox said. "She'd talk shi- uh, _crap_ to the ring post if she had to." The twins were at dinner too, along with Noella, and while it was bad enough to swear with Mom around, he'd get a double dose from her and Noella if he slipped. He didn't escape completely unharmed, Mom still gave him 'one of her looks.' The look that said _and here I thought I raised you better!_ A look that both irritated and thrilled him. He loved it when Jen seemed to forget he'd joined the family when he was almost sixteen and thus, she hadn't had all that much time to raise him.

"All we need is entrance music for Alexa," Marc said. May was still using Pat Benatar's _Hit Me With Your Best Shot_, the song she and Raven had used as their tag team theme the first summer they attended camp. Technically, the use of popular songs could be a red flag with the original artists, but Sefa figured the worst they were going to do is to remind people of how great they were. Still, he wouldn't let anyone use a song that was from after about 1995, despite a lot of protests from wrestlers, especially if there was a chance their videos would make the website.

"I'd like to use _Thunderstruck,_" Alexa said. "The AC/DC song, I really like it."

Mox knew the song and it would make good entrance music. He looked at Sefa and saw he was frowning. Mox himself used AC/DC's _Back In Black_ and Sefa really didn't like having major wrestlers likely to be involved in the videos to share songs by the same band. Also, he wasn't a complete stickler on this one, but he liked it when women picked songs sung by women. He didn't want to subject Alexa to Sefa's possible rejection, so he spoke up. "_Cherry Bomb_ by the Runaways would be a good choice too."

"_Cherry Bomb?_" Sefa asked, looking puzzled.

Marc pulled his Ipod out of his back pocket and fidget with it for a bit. Mox sneaked a look over at Alexa and knew he'd made a mistake. She didn't say anything, the expression on her face like one of stone, which usually meant she was seething inside but didn't feel she could let it out. _How much shit am I in, now?_

Marc found the song on his Ipod and handed it over to Sefa. "Here, listen."

Sefa put on the earplugs and listened. His expression was unreadable, until the first "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!" played, then he started nodding, which did nothing to make Alexa's expression change from stone. Nobody but Mox seemed to notice, they were all focused on Sefa's expression. Ultimately, it was his choice as more than one camper had learned. Roman hadn't been happy when Sefa picked the song _Whata Man_ for him for awhile, even though it worked with the character he was playing. Eventually, everyone learned even if you had always dreamed of using a particular song as entrance music, Sefa wasn't going to listen to you if he felt it wasn't going to work. When the song was over, he took out the earplugs and handed the Ipod back to Marc. "I like it. We'll go with that."

Mox had the feeling he was in serious trouble.


	21. Chapter 21

_Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned_

—Buddha

.

**Chapter Twenty-One**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

All through dinner, Alexa put her effort into staying calm, and it was taking a lot out of her. _There are things they don't know, not even Mox,_ she told herself. _So, try to keep some control._

It came down to two things in her mind, did she live with _Cherry Bomb_ being her theme song, or did she speak up and share part of her past? She could share it with Mox or Sefa alone, both of them knew where she came from, but she wasn't sure she wanted to give away more of her past. _Do I always have to share the worst of what I was with people? Face it, something will always come along that will remind me._

She knew the song, knew the words, they had been burned into her memory forever.

It was the title of one of the last movies she ever made. The last one she'd made with kids near her age, two other girls close to her age, one a girl with long, jet black hair, the other a red head, although her color might have come from a bottle. They played three preteen girls with a predilection for fucking college football players, (played by men who had left their college days years ago) school teachers, male and female, and coaches, also male or female.

Suzie had been the best little girl in the world back then, so of course she made the movie, her and the other two girls and the numerous perverts, all carefully disguised, or only shown from the back with wigs on, to make sure they wouldn't be recognized as the pedophiles and Ephebophiles they were. It didn't matter, the important people were "Little Suzie," "Little Lizzie" and "Little Tammy." They got to wear matching red and white cheerleader outfits and carry pom-poms around. And even though their skirts barely covered their bottoms, they never seemed to understand that they ought to be wearing shorts or at least underwear. _Cherry Bomb_ had been not only the title and the opening music in the song, the song was played several times in the movie.

Alexa hated all the movies she had done, even the ones with Little Timmy. All of them were disgusting in her mind, but the Cherry Bomb movie had upset her more than some. Football was one of the few things "Daddy Ken" had let her watch and she'd been fascinated by cheerleaders. Sure, their skirts were short, their tops sometimes a little skimpy, but they had shorts on under those skirts and they were working up a sweat, which meant skimpy tops made sense. There was something pure and innocent in Alexa's mind about it. She knew men were disgusting enough to fantasize about cheerleaders, but men couldn't stand to let anything be pure and innocent. There were men that probably whacked off to pictures of the Gerber baby. But to most people, Alexa thought cheerleaders probably looked like girls who worked very hard to put on their performances. They always seemed so enthusiastic and _pure._ Alexa couldn't help but think that in another life, one where she wasn't abducted and forced into being a child porn star, she would have been a cheerleader. When she watched football with Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean she would fantasize about going to try outs and being the squad leader, living a normal life, the head of the cheerleader team. She was small and slight enough, she probably would have been the one at the top of the pyramid. It was one of her few innocent fantasies and with one movie, it was over. Now, all watching cheerleaders did was remind her of that horrible movie. How she, "Tammy" and "Lizzie" had slept in the same room when the filming was over for those few days, getting visits from one or the other or sometimes several of the perverts, not as much the actors, but Uncle Sean, Daddy Ken, or one of the other girl's "Daddies," telling them how wonderful they were, how they got them so hard. As if it were their fault and thus up to them to help them.

And even though no one was going to make her wear a cheerleader outfit to wrestle, she would have to listen to that song. "Hello Daddy, Hello Mom, I'm your, Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-Cherry Bomb!"

Mox didn't know about the movie. She knew he wouldn't have suggested the song if he had, but she couldn't help but be angry with him. It did answer the question if Sefa had looked at more than just the movies she made with "Little Timmy," because she didn't think he'd be such a horrible person to have agreed to the song if he'd known.

She didn't want to talk about the movie. She didn't want to have to confess to Mox or Sefa, or anyone about it. Mox's "friends" at the FBI might have seen it, and that was horrible enough, but to tell people who knew her? Who saw her all the time? She'd rather die.

Which meant her options were to try to talk Sefa out of using it, which she had the feeling would be impossible. "I don't like it" wasn't going to work. Sefa would respond that if she didn't, tough luck. She got that. The big promotions like WWE didn't pick theme songs based on the desires of the wrestlers. A wrestler might have more freedom to develop a character than most forms of acting, but the control the product the promotion did have, they held onto with an iron fist. She got that.

That left the second option. Suck it up. Try to block it out and let it happen. _Just like my whole life used to be_ she thought bitterly. _Hate it, but pretend to love it. Is this really my future? Either spill my guts to everyone about what I was, or to suck it up when those two worlds cross swords? And if I have to suck it up too much, does that mean I'll learn to accept what I was as Little Suzie?_

.

"I'm sorry."

Those were the first words Mox said as they were heading back to the apartment after dinner. Alexa wanted to turn and scream at him, yell at him and hit him. Or, wait until they were home and really lay into him. And no, it would not lead to sex. But, she stopped herself. Again, Mox didn't know and she was the one who was choosing not to tell him. She drew in a deep, sharp breath. "In the future," she said, her teeth clenched. "If I make a suggestion, don't rush to override me to please your father."

"I know," She could hear the unhappiness in his voice. "I just… didn't want it to turn into some big deal. I'd heard Marc playing the song before, and I always thought it would make a pretty good entrance theme, so I filed it away in my memory. When I saw Dad wasn't going to let you get away with _Thunderstruck,_ I just found myself making the suggestion before I could think. I should have kept my mouth shut and talked to you later. We didn't have to find a theme song for you right that second."

_God, I want to be pissed off at you,_ she thought _And I am pissed off at you, but a whole lot more than I should be, and you don't deserve it. He didn't know. I can't make him pay for something he didn't know._ I wanted to use Thunderstruck because my fighting name was Toril, which means 'Thunder.' I know I shouldn't use Toril as a wrestling name, because I shouldn't link me to the underground fighter with me the wrestler, but I just wanted to pay tribute to my name. Not to some stupid song with and obvious double-entendre. You, more than anyone else, that Cherry Bomb has another meaning besides some explosive."

He looked even more guilty. "Again, I'm sorry and it was wrong of me. Do you want me to talk to Dad tomorrow and see if I can't convince him to let you use _Thunderstruck?_ Maybe I can explain why it's important to you."

_And maybe pigs will fly. _She shook her head. "Your father is fixed on the song. I just want to not think about it, okay? Let's just drop the subject."

.

When it came time for bed, she couldn't act like everything was fine. She was holding back her anger and bitterness, but she was still human. "I'm exhausted," she said, once they were settled in. "I've worked my ass off all day. I need to get some sleep." And before he could do or say anything, she rolled so her back was to him, and pretended to fall asleep instantly.

.

As sometimes happened, a good night's sleep did help the next day. She knew she was still angry about the whole situation, but she felt a little more confident that she could keep it under control. She was even able to make some light hearted, normal, conversation with Mox as the two of them drank coffee that morning. And she kept it up when they went to the house for breakfast. Fortunately, she could be mostly quiet at the table. She'd never been chatty like May was, never felt like this was her family too. All she had to do was wear a pleasant expression and eat her breakfast.

And try not to shoot looks of daggers at Sefa or Mox. And to tell herself they had no way of knowing.

"Alexa, I'm not going to be able to practice with you today," May said, as she finished off the last of her Swiss cheese and tomato omelette, something she'd eat every morning if left to her own devices. "A friend of mine from my gymnastic days is staying not far from here and we're going to get together and have lunch and do some window shopping. Actually, you're welcome to come with us, if you'd like."

Alexa shook her head. She got along with May a lot better than she had at first, she even liked May, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to hang around with her and an old friend. They probably wouldn't appreciate a third wheel who knew nothing about their past, unable to understand their inside jokes. "I appreciate the offer," she said, trying not to look disappointed. She wanted to do as much rehearsing as possible before Saturday.

May must have sensed something anyway, because she smiled. "We'll have plenty of time to work out the kinks. Don't worry, Alexa, we're going to blow them away Saturday night."

"I've got some free time today," Mox said, before Alexa could respond to May. "I'll work with you. I can't get as much air as you, but I can sure help you with the ground stuff."

Alexa felt an instant flash of anger, why did Mox always have to jump in? He just admitted last night that he should have asked before making suggestions to Sefa about her theme music, now, not even twelve full hours later, he was interjecting himself into her training. He didn't say, "If you would like," "How about." He said he had free time and assumed Alexa would agree. "Sure," she said, putting on one of her best "Suzie" smiles. "That sounds great."

Was she on her way to becoming the best woman in the world?

_Maybe that's what you need to survive, even on the outside. Especially if you let guys into your life. You have to let them call the shots, or be accused of being at best unreasonable, at worst a dominating bitch._

Part of her knew she was being unreasonable, Mox wasn't out to get her, and he had taken an active role in her training as well, so it wasn't that far out in left field to assume he was allowed to help her. But she just wished that he wouldn't constantly rush in to "make things better," because "making things better" involved a lot of assuming and very little asking.

.

"Have you thought of doing a rebound lariat?" Mox asked Alexa later, as they were practicing in "Mox's" ring. Alexa had just shown him a part of the match she and May had planned, where Alexa would bounce off the ropes, doing the same move as she would if she were running the ropes and then doing a clothesline to May.

"No, we hadn't talked about that," Alexa's tone was careful. "Should we have?"

"Watch," Mox said. He went over to the ropes and fell between them. He put one hand on the top rope, the other on the second rope and used the same rope to bounce off of, putting his arm out and lunging towards Alexa. He stopped just before the clothesline. "See? It's the same thing, but it adds a little more of an ooph to the clothesline, gives it a little more drama."

He was right, which irritated Alexa. Of course he was right, it was wrestling and when it came to wrestling, he was always right. "Show me again," she said, forcing herself to smile. It would add a lot to the clothesline.

He showed her again, slowly, then had her do it. It was one of those moves that looked extremely simple but wasn't. You had to understand the flex of the second rope and how to move so it wasn't too high or too low, the right spot so you could kick up your legs and push yourself out of it, almost like a child getting off a swing. It was a move that could be done dozens of ways, but unless you did it the right way, it lost its effect. "You're getting better," Mox said, after what seemed like the hundredth time she'd tried the move. "A few more times and you'll get it."

It took more than a few more times, but once she did get it, it clicked in her head and she knew she would never have a problem doing it again. She did the move perfectly as Mox watched. "Yeah!" he said, nodding enthusiastically. "You've got it, that's awesome!"

She was both pleased by his praise and irritated. Yes, he had taught her, but the way he sounded, as if he felt some type of claim on her, like she was a good wrestler because of him. _Am I a good fuck because of you?_ she found herself thinking. _Do I give good blowjobs because of you? What else am I good at because of you?_

"Now, try it again and then clothesline me," Mox said.

Sefa and Roman were there, watching the two of them, but keeping quiet as Mox taught her the move. She found herself looking towards them, seeing both of them smiling and nodding. It was obvious they thought Mox's suggestion was a good one as well.

"Jog towards the rope," Mox suggested. "Like you're trying to get away from me, climb out of the ropes for a break, but then turn, do the lariat, and then clothesline me."

_Anything else while we're at it?_ Alexa thought. _Do you want to redo the entire match May and I worked on? Because you're so much better than we are?_ Still, she did what he asked, she jogged over to the ropes, twisted, and performed the rebound lariat perfectly, getting more forward momentum than he often did. She only had to take one step to get to Mox, holding her arm out.

It started as an honest accident. She would tell herself that over and over again. An accident. Accidents happened all the time in wrestling. She'd taken her share of knocks from her practice partners, and given them their share as well. That was all this should have been, a case of getting too much force behind the lariat and hitting Mox a little too hard. He was significantly taller than her, she wasn't going to get his throat, just a knock to the area above the stomach. Maybe leave a bruise, but nothing worse.

Instead, something inside of her snapped as she flew forward, harder than she intended, and knocked him to the ground, flat on his back. He gave one wheezing inhale trying to catch his breath. "I'm sorry!" she said.

"S'okay," he gasped.

She never knew why that simple 'S'okay' set her off, but it did. Suddenly all the anger, first the anger that he had injected himself into this future match with her and May, then a little deeper, that he'd suggested the song she hated the most as her entrance music, that he'd convinced her to let him make love to her, all this resentment going right back to when they were children and he was her first lover, far before she should have had any lovers. All that anger came rushing out at once and she threw herself on top of him, sitting on his chest and started hitting him. Not wrestling hitting, this was the fighting she used to do but worse. She wasn't holding back, she was slamming her fists into him over and over again.

It was as if time stood still for everyone but her. Mox made no moves to stop her, Sefa and Roman stared in shock, their brains not able to comprehend what was happening. She kept hitting Mox, getting a grim satisfaction when his nose broke and blood flowed freely, then as she heard something else snap. She found herself jumping to her feet and kicking him as hard as she could, first in the chest, then when he finally curled up in a ball, in the back. Then the head, any place she could reach, not just kicking but bringing her foot down, stomping on him.

He never fought back. He tried to roll away, but he never tried to grab her foot. If he had, she might have come to her senses, but instead he just tried to get away. That made her angrier.

It was Sefa that stopped her. She had been so intent on hurting Mox that she hadn't even felt or seen him coming into the ring. She didn't realize he was there until he was grabbing her, pulling her arms behind her, and dragging her away from Mox. And she didn't remember Roman leaping in the ring later, standing between her and Mox, a weak, fragile, wall. She knew Roman would have risked his own health and safety to stop her from what she was doing to Mox.

"Calm down!" Sefa roared, and she knew she had been fighting him at first, but she finally relaxed. He still didn't let go of her. "What the hell were you doing, Alexa?"

All that anger drained from her at his question. "I-I" she began. She looked over at Mox, who Roman was kneeling over. She saw blood, a whole lot of blood. _I beat him harder than I beat the folks in the underground scene_ she thought. Yeah, it was supposed to be no holds barred, but nobody really wanted to kill each other. She knew that for those minutes of insanity she did want to kill Mox. As her sanity returned, she was ashamed and embarrassed, but she knew the truth. She wasn't just angry at all he had done, she was angry that he kept letting her get away with being a victim and himself the bad guy. He'd put up with her punching him and kicking him at the beginning. He never tried to instigate sex, he left that to her. It seemed like their entire relationship was him treating her like a fragile flower and her using him as a punching bag. Even his horrible suggestion of an Entrance song, was motivated by his desire to protect her against Sefa's objections to her own choice.

"It's-it's-it's okay," she heard Mox saying, gasping with every word as if his breath had been knocked out of him so badly he'd never get it back. "She-she didn't-"

"Yes I did!" she found herself screaming before she could stop herself. "I meant every kick, every punch and I'd do it again!"

"That's enough!" Sefa said, his voice still angry, but instead of shouting, he was using his, "You will listen to me" voice, the one that made every wrestler he ever taught shut up and pay attention.

"Dad, she really did a number on him," Roman said, still kneeling beside him. "She broke his nose at least. He's got blood coming out of his ear and he's coughing it up, too. This isn't something Mom can fix with a little first aid."

"I"m-" Mox began, then stopped.

"Going to the hospital," Sefa finished for him. "Call 911, Roman." As Roman called he turned his attention back to Alexa. "If I let you go, will you be a good person and not go near Mox? Will you go back to the apartment and just stay there for now?"

She wanted to protest. Even though she had caused all this damage, she wanted to say that she needed to help Mox, that she was his girlfriend, she should be with him. But she was smart enough to know that was the stupidest thing she could do. "Yes," she said in a soft whisper. "I'll do whatever you want." She wouldn't have blamed Sefa if he called the police on her and she had the feeling the only reason why he didn't was because it would upset Mox.

He let her go and without a word, she left the ring, heading for the apartment she had shared with Mox, knowing it was unlikely they'd ever share it again.

She had just shut the door, when she heard the ambulance sirens.


	22. Chapter 22

_Some people use their own hurt as an excuse for hurting others_

— Roland Merullo

.

**Chapter Twenty Two**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Mox was in a state of delirium for several days, thanks to the drugs they gave him. He also had a tube inserted in his chest, because a fractured rib had punctured his lung. They had to perform surgery for that, which was a good idea because another fractured rib was pressing into his other lung and they were able to fix that.

They also had to perform surgery to fix a broken cheekbone. They had to splint his nose. The good news was Alexa hadn't broken his teeth and his skull fracture wasn't that serious.

They could have told him they needed to cut his penis off and he would have just nodded, he had no real clue what was going on. He heard his father, his mother talking to people, agreeing on what he needed done, because he sure wasn't capable of making any medical decisions.

_She's tough_ he found himself thinking when his brain let him remember what had happened. _I'm glad I didn't have to face her when she was underground fighting, because she would have killed me._ The irony that she almost had killed him anyway didn't penetrate his drug addled brain.

He woke up once with some clarity and saw Roman sitting by his bed. It hurt to talk, but he managed. "You shouldn't be here," he said, his voice sounding so weak, even to him. It hurt to breathe too. "Your immune system… hospital isn't good for you."

"Shut up and go back to sleep," Roman advised him.

He didn't want Roman to be here, he might have a chemically induced immune system, but when he'd been in the hospital for treatments, he was kept in a special room for cancer patients. Mox didn't have cancer, so chances were he was in a regular room. A room with germs and viruses lurking on every corner, every surface. He wanted to tell him to get out, to demand, but in his condition he wasn't capable of doing much of anything.

So, he took Roman's advice and went back to sleep.

.

The next time he woke up somewhat coherent, Jen and Sefa were there. Jen was holding his hand. His vision was blurry, but he knew she had been crying a lot. Her eyes still had a shimmer of unshed tears. When she saw he was looking at her, she reached out and gently, so very gently, pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Hi, Mom," he managed to gasp.

"Oh, Jon, save your strength," his mother suggested and he saw the tears starting to spill out. He hoped they were tears of happiness that he was alive and not completely in a fugue state.

"How" It really did hurt to talk. It hurt to breathe, why would he expect talking to be easier? But he forced himself to talk. "How is Alexa?"

Jen stiffened instantly. "She's fine, Jon," she was spitting out the words as if ridding her mouth of something horrible tasting. "I don't know why you should care!"

"Not…" it was getting harder and harder to talk and breathe and whatever they were giving him for pain was kicking in again. "Her..fault."

"She's still in the apartment, son," Sefa said. "We're not going to bring Aaron into this, unless you want to press charges."

He shook his head. "No."

He knew that answer didn't please his mother, but he didn't care. He floated off to sleep again.

.

He realized later, when they cut back the drugs and he started being more aware of his surroundings, that someone in the family was with him almost around the clock. Jen and Sefa, alone or together. Same with Marc and Noella. Roman was there a lot, sometimes with May, sometimes alone. Even Seth came up on a Sunday. At that point, he was more aware, but talking still hurt. So, Seth did all the talking, going on and on about FCW, and how much he was missed and how much was changing now that they were working towards being rebranded as NXT. Mox appreciated that all he had to do was listen and nod. He enjoyed that day, it was good to see his other brother.

.

Lance came in on the weekend, looking wiped out from flying from New York to Florida. _He probably took a red eye and hasn't slept._ Talking was easier for Mox, so he shook his head. "You're supposed to be in school."

"They let you leave for family emergencies," Lance said, coming over and sitting down on the chair next to the bed. "It's not prison. Roman's picking you up a strawberry milkshake, he'll be here in a few."

Mox smiled, which hurt his face a little. Since he'd been allowed to eat, he'd developed a taste for strawberry milkshakes, especially the ones made from a little place across the street that used nothing but home style vanilla ice cream and fresh strawberries, none of that sugar sweet, strawberry syrup most places used.

"I'm under orders not to ask you too many questions," Lance said. "So, if you don't want to answer me, you don't have to, but what the heck happened? All Dad and Rome can tell me is that you and Alexa were practicing and suddenly she went insane on you."

"Yeah," Mox admitted. "That's what happened." He knew his voice was raspy as if he were an old three pack a day smoker, but lately talking wasn't as hard as it had been. Maybe it sounded worse than it was.

"You hadn't done anything to really piss her off?" Lance had his head tipped to one side in that thoughtful look.

"Not that she made me aware of," Mox said, which was the outer truth. The inner truth was that he had a lot of reasons why she might be pissed off at him, starting with him overriding her choice of entrance music and ending with what they'd done when they were first introduced. _I still hate you,_ she said when they first had sex, _But I love you, too._ He thought he had understood, he hadn't. He realized he was assuming the hate had faded into the background and it hadn't. She might not have even realized, she might have been telling herself the same thing, but the hatred was still there, still between them. She understood he wasn't to blame, but that didn't mean she could just let go of it.

"Why didn't you fight back?" Lance asked. "I mean, I get that you don't want to beat someone up, that's not cool. But she was beating on you. You're not a wimp, you know how to defend yourself, so why didn't you? Why didn't you stop her? According to Roman, you just let her do it. Why would you do that?"

"It's a long story," Mox said. He loved Lance, but sometimes that kid just wouldn't stop digging.

"She's Suzie, isn't she?"

Mox did a slow blink of surprise. How had Lance figured it out? Dad had seen her as a child in those cleaned up versions of their three movies, so it was a case of recognition, but Lance? "You went looking?" he asked. He should have expected that Lance would be the type that would start digging and the internet was a tool for curious people to dig further than politeness allowed.

"No," Lance said, shaking his head. "Dad didn't tell me either. I wasn't even sure I was right until Rome called me and told me about her going nuts on you. I suspected. Your relationship just seemed, well, _off._ The two of you were living together, you moved into the apartment so you two could keep living together, but yet there was something wrong about it. Especially her. She never seemed totally committed to the relationship. Yet, I had the feeling she wanted to be, she just couldn't jump that last hurdle. Something kept her from trusting you, from falling truly in love with you. And you always acted like you were tiptoeing around her. Anything she said, if it had the slightest chance it might be taken wrong, you rushed in to make sure it didn't. Yet, part of you always seemed a little afraid of her. Not like you knew she'd beat you like this, but that you weren't sure you were allowed to touch her. After that, it wasn't too hard to put it all together."

"Does everyone know?" he asked. Lance sometimes couldn't wait to share knowledge with everyone.

Lance shook his head, then shrugged. "Well, I don't know for sure, but I didn't tell anyone. I just get the feeling that others might have figured it out. Noella seems like the type to figure it out, and she'd tell Marc of course. Dad told me about the movies he saw. He was telling me to warn me never to find them. And I never have. But I figured he figured it out. He might not have told Mom at first, but I'm betting he has since you've ended up here." He paused, motioning around the hospital room. "Otherwise, she would have probably tried to kill Alexa with her bare hands."

"Is she all right?" Mox interrupted to ask. She didn't have to say which one he was talking about.

"I haven't seen her," Lance confessed. "It was straight from the airport to here. But, I know she's still on the property if you were worried she'd run off. Dad has talked to her. Noella and May as well. She isn't being kept prisoner if that's what you were thinking. She's not allowed to teach right now, but that's to be expected. And, according to Roman, Dad isn't saying she'll never be allowed. I think Dad gets that she's not likely to do what she did to you to anyone else."

Mox's head was swimming, but he did catch that Alexa wasn't being kept prisoner at the SPWA, nor had she run off. He wasn't sure what the future held, but he knew he'd have to talk to her again.

"Roman hasn't talked to her, he told me on the way over," Lance admitted. "He isn't trying to be mean, he just figures the two of them never got close, like she and May did, and he can't help but want to hurt her, or at least demand she explains herself. So he's avoiding her for both of their sake."

"Are you talking about me again?" Roman asked. He came in through the door, holding one of those cardboard containers restaurants and coffee shops used. It was holding three drinks. Before Lance could answer, he put the container on the nightstand and pulled out one of the drinks, handing it to Mox. "Strawberry milkshake for you."

Mox took it and took a sip. It was cold and it felt good on his throat. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to appreciate it.

"And here's your chocolate and avocado shake," Roman said.

The flavor combination was enough to make Mox open his eyes just as Roman was handing Lance the plastic cup. "Chocolate and _what?_"

"Avocado." At least Lance had the decency to blush at his choice. "It's really good. Chocolate masks the avocado flavor, but the avocado gives it a really silky texture. Don't knock it until you try it."

Roman shook his head, taking the last cup out of the holder and tossing the holder into the wastebasket. "You can have it, bro. I'll stick to peach." He took a sip of his own drink. "I like my milkshakes made with fruit."

"Avocado _is_ a fruit." Lance shook his head.

"So are tomatoes, but I don't drink tomato milkshakes," Roman shot back. "I'll eat guacamole with my nachos, but that's about as far as my relationship with avocados goes."

"I don't like them at all," Mox confessed. "They taste like they gave up. Like they were doing the best they could to be delicious and about half way through, they said 'screw it,' and threw in the towel."

Roman and Lance both laughed at this, which made Mox the happiest he'd been since showing Alexa a rebound lariat. He still had the ability to make folks laugh.

But when his shake was about a quarter of the way gone, he looked at Roman. "Please don't be mad at Alexa."

"I can't do that, Mox," Roman said, growing instantly serious. "You're my brother and she… well, she beat the fuck out of you. Maybe you can just let that go, but I can't. When you were lying on the floor of that ring, blood pouring out of you, I wanted to kill her. The only thing that stopped me was being concerned about you. I was expecting you to just die while we were waiting for the ambulance, that's how bad you looked. Maybe you're the forgiving type, but I can't be that way. I'm still angry. Maybe when you're up and around and feeling okay, I can let it go, but you aren't and I can't."

"She's not completely to blame," Mox whispered, staring at his milkshake. A brief silence fell over the room, then he lifted his gaze to Roman's. "Do you know who she is?"

Roman shrugged. "She's someone from your past, before you met us. I figured that out. And since we met you within an hour of your escape, I put two and two together. I knew about Little Suzie before then, Mox, it was all over the place especially when that book came out. So, I put it together."

"How come you didn't say anything?" Mox kept his gaze on Roman's.

"It was none of my business," Roman said. "I figured if you wanted to know, you would tell me, but you didn't. Had I known she was going to do this," he paused to motion to Mox's body. "I would have talked to her sooner and let her know I knew and she'd better not hurt you."

"No you wouldn't have," Mox disagreed. "You didn't know she was going to turn on me like she did. You probably would have been like Dad and worried that we'd hurt each other emotionally."

Roman squirmed for a moment, then shrugged, which was the closest Mox knew he'd get to Roman confessing Mox was right. He took another sip of his milkshake, then turned his attention to Lance. "Please don't tell me you're transferring back here because of this."

Lance shook his head. "I would, but Lita and Perry Saturn are both out on injury and have agreed to help Dad. They're on the tail end healing so they get around okay. They can teach."

"Good," Mox said, "I don't want you to transfer again to help. Roman having cancer was one thing, but I'm going to be just fine."

"Of course you will," Roman said. "The doctor is saying you can go home in a couple days."

Mox nodded, then looked at Roman. "Are they going to give me Lances old room? Because of the bed and all? Because you and May have been using that bed and I don't want to take it away from you."

Roman blushed. Now that he was feeling better and about ready to finish up with chemo, May and him sharing a bed was becoming less about May wanting to be close to him in case he needed her, and more about them being a couple. And their parents weren't offering any objections, likely out of gratitude to May. "Well, yeah," he admitted. "But May and I will be moving into our old room."

"Two twin beds," Lance teased. "Won't that take some of the glow away?"

Roman looked over at Lance, brows raising. "You'd be surprised at what you can do on a twin sized bed, if you have the ambition."

"Quit bragging," Lance said. "Have some sympathy for a guy who's single right now."

They laughed and then abruptly stopped and avoided looking at Mox. _Well, I guess I don't have a girlfriend anymore either, _ he admitted to himself.

.

Later that same afternoon, when Roman and Lance left and Sefa and Jen came in, Mox begged Jen for another milk shake. When Sefa suggested he'd go get it, Mox shook his head. "No, I-I just would rather Mom got it."

Sefa and Jen exchanged looks, then Jen nodded and left the room, understanding that the milkshake wasn't that important, it was giving Mox a chance to talk to his father alone. "What's up, Son?" Sefa asked, sitting down on the chair Lance had been sitting in, the one that made it easiest to look at Mox.

"You're going to let me see Alexa, right?" Mox asked. "I know you and Mom don't want me to, but I can't leave it like it is."

Sefa nodded, "I understand. And I've been thinking it over carefully. I'm not kicking her out of the camp. She's good at weight training. I'm being a little over cautious about her wrestling again, but that's me. May isn't coming out and confessing, but I know she and Alexa have practiced a few times. Which, I don't think is helping Roman get over this, but it is what it is. May doesn't seem afraid. At the very least, Alexa can go back to just being a weight trainer, but I think she'll be back into wrestling, too. Unless you want to make a huge deal out of this, nobody outside of the family needs to know."

"I don't," Mox said. His voice was raspier than normal, he'd been doing too much talking today. "But Dad, it can't end like this. We have to talk."

"I know," Sefa said, reaching out and patting him on the arm. "And the two of you will see each other soon enough, I promise."


	23. Chapter 23

"_That's what life's all about: little by little, day by day, with excruciating stubbornness, each of us learning how to be less screwed up."_

—Dean Koontz from the book _Icebound_

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**Chapter Twenty Three**

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{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Alexa had no clue how much time had passed before someone finally came to check on her. She didn't even have an idea of what she did in that time either. She knew she'd cried, because the wastebasket near the bed was overflowing with tissues, and her eyes were swollen and sore.

When the knock came, she was sitting on the sofa, the tips of her fingers bleeding from biting her nails and it was dark outside. "Alexa?" a voice called out, forcefully, but not unkindly.

It was Noella. no surprise. Nobody else in the family was going to talk to her. She'd beaten up Mox and if the Reigns had one motto, it was "You fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us." If she'd heard Roman, Sefa, Jen, or even Marc's voice, she would have expected to open the door and find a gun pointed to her face. She knew Noella wouldn't, but Alexa still sat there.

"Alexa, I have a key," Noella said in a no-nonsense tone. "I'll use it if I have to, but I'd rather you opened the door."

_At least she didn't add, 'of your own free will.'"_ Alexa rose from the couch, her arms and legs giving protest at being moved after being stationary for too long. She'd heard that line too often. "I will force you if I have to, but I'd rather you did it of your own free will." It was bullshit. It was a choice between a shit sandwich on Wonder bread and a shit sandwich on Sunbeam. It was still a shit sandwich and the only person who thought there was a difference was the person forcing you to eat it.

She opened the door. Noella was holding a pizza box in one hand, the master keys to the entire camp in the other. She was in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that looked as if one or maybe both of the kids had hurled on it and the stain never came out of the wash. Still, because she was Noella, she looked beautiful. Alexa wanted to both send her away and hug her for being willing to come see her. "Hey," she said, stepping aside so Noella could come in.

Noella walked in, putting the pizza on the counter that separated the kitchen area from the living room area. "I thought you might be hungry," she said. "And, screw the carbs."

Alexa had to smile at that. She wasn't sure she was hungry, until Noella opened the box and the smell of cheese, pepperoni, and tomato sauce filled the place like a delicious new scent of air freshener. She went around to the kitchen area and pulled plates out of the cabinet. Noella, in the meantime, walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out two bottles of diet coke.

"We keep that in there for when Seth visits," Alexa said, nodding to the bottles. "Mox thinks any type of soda is bad."

"Do you really think Mox is worried about you having a soda?" Noella asked.

Alexa accepted the bottle.

She let Noella select her slice of pizza first as if she wanted to make sure Noella got whatever she might believe was the best slice. _Why am I acting like this?_ Deep down, she knew the answer. Suzie would have waited for Daddy Ken and Uncle Sean to pick their pieces first. If killing them had liberated Alexa, almost killing Mox had brought back a bit of Suzie.

It wasn't until they were both settled on the counter chairs with their pizza that Noella got down to business. "Thank you for not running off," she said. "I would have understood if you did."

"What would be the point?" Alexa said, shrugging. "It wouldn't change what I did." She had thought about it, but realized the ID she still used was Alexa Waters. The family knew her as Alexa Bliss. If she'd run off, that would guarantee the family would have called Sheriff Aaron on her, who would have called the Staties and the whole thing could have ended up in a much worse mess. The best thing she could do was stay and hope they wouldn't decide to call the cops on her.

"True," Noella said. She took a bite of her pizza and said nothing until she had finished it, following it with a swallow of soda. "Why did you do it?"

"I-I don't know," Alexa said.

"I don't believe you," Noella said. "I think you do know why, you're just ashamed and embarrassed to admit it."

_Well, that was blunt_ Alexa took a bite of pizza as an excuse not to answer for a moment. "Because… I just got so mad at him. It was wrong, and it was stupid, but that's the reason."

"You're right, on both counts. Wrong and stupid."

"If this is a pep talk it's a pretty bad one."

"It isn't a pep talk," Noella said firmly. "I think what you did to Mox is horrible. You broke his ribs and punctured a lung. He's in surgery now as far as I know. Marc, Roman, Sefa, and Jen are at the hospital now, waiting to make sure he'll be all right. The only reason why I'm able to come here is because I asked Monique to watch the twins."

Monique ran the dining hall, which meant that it had to be after SPWA dinnertime. Alexa's gaze went to the clock on the microwave. 8:37 it told her. She'd lost quite a bit of time. "I don't know if I can explain."

"You have to try," Noella said. "Because if you can't explain it, it's just going to make everyone angry. Nobody does what you did to someone unless they're out of their minds, or there are some deep rooted issues going on."

"How about both?" Alexa mumbled, looking down at the counter, ignoring her pizza, suddenly losing her appetite. She forced herself to look at Noella. "I-I was mad at him," she confessed. "I was mad that he kept- kept jumping in on things. I wanted to use a certain song for my entrance music, and Sefa didn't like that. Instead of letting me argue for the song, or pick another one, he jumped in and suggested another song. A song I don't just hate, a song I loathe with all my being." She thought that might sound like an over the top reaction, but it was the truth.

"What was the song?" Noella asked.

"_Cherry Bomb,_ by the Runaways," Alexa said, embarrassed almost to say the title because in her mind, it sounded filthy. "I know why Mox suggested it and why Sefa thought it was a good song. Cherry bombs are like firecrackers on steroids. The song is bad girl mixed with badass. But that's not what it means to me." _I must sound like an idiot._ She drew in a deep breath. "Do you know who I am?"

Noella barely hesitated. "You're the former little Suzie. You were once the little girl Mox made those movies with." For the first time since she had arrived, she showed compassion, by putting her hand over Alexa's for just a moment.

"Yeah." Alexa wanted to ask if someone had told her, like Sefa or Mox himself, but she knew it wasn't the time. "And, uh, one of the movies I made, not any of the ones I made with Mox, one of the later movies I made with a couple other girls and a lot of adults. It was called Cherry Bomb and they used the song a million times in the movie."

"That must have been difficult for you," Noella said. "Why didn't you tell Mox when he suggested it, that the song had some bad memories for you?"

"I-" Alexa began and stopped. Why hadn't she done that? Why hadn't she just shook her head and said to Mox before he played the song for Sefa, 'I don't want to use that. Can we think of another?' "Because I knew Sefa and Mox would figure it out," she said, and she knew it was the truth. "Maybe not that I played a sex crazed pre-teen cheerleader with two other girls, but that the song was tied into one of the movies I made. And-and-" She had been doing well, but she didn't have the words anymore.

"You didn't want to look like a victim," Noella offered and Alexa found herself nodding. "You didn't want to look weak or vulnerable," Noella continued. "Considering your past, I understand. Alexa, how did you escape?"

Alexa had never told anyone that she had murdered her captors. Not even Jessica. She knew Mox knew they were dead, likely figured out she killed them, but not how she did it. "I murdered them," she said,. "I planned their deaths, found the right weapons and bashed their heads in. Then, I burned down the house we were using. I don't know if the bodies were burned completely or not, but they didn't trace them to me."

"That was very brave of you," Noella said, not looking the slightest bit dismayed. "I don't think Mox could have done that."

She thought at first Noella might be taking a dig at her, saying she was brave, but implying that Mox was a better person for not killing his captors, just escaping. But she studied her face and realized she wasn't trying to play games with her, she meant it. "Mox was younger when he was taken," she said. "I was older. I think Mox was too beaten down to even think about doing such a thing. I always got the feeling that he only found the guts to run away, because he knew he was going to die anyway, so what did he have to lose?"

Noella nodded. "I don't fault Mox for what he did. He did what he felt he had to and it worked. You did what you felt you had to and you're alive to tell the tale."

"I don't want to tell anyone."

"You don't have to," Noella said. "It's just a figure of speech. I'm not going to tell anyone. Some might fault you for taking justice into your own hands, but I'm sure you felt those men gave you no choice. I admire you for taking care of a problem. You saved yourself and likely saved other children too."

"I survived by being good," Alexa confessed, sniffling. She wasn't crying, but she felt close. "And part of that was Timmy. Well, I know he's Mox now, but he was Timmy then. He's the one who told me the best way to get through things was to be good. That if I wasn't good, I'd get hurt, I could be sold off to people who were even worse. So, I was good. I was better than good, I was awesome. I had those two perverts convinced that I loved what they did to me, what I did to them. I had them convinced that having sex before I even hit puberty was exactly what I wanted. Timmy, I mean, Mox, had scars all over his body especially his back. From when he was bad and got beaten. I didn't want to be beaten. Almost worse, I didn't want to be kept in a basement. So, I just played along. I learned to do what they wanted. In my head, I hated them and hated it, but on the outside? I was a hell of an actress, because I believe if you could talk to 'Daddy Ken' and 'Uncle Sean,' they would still be shocked I did such a thing. They would tell you how much I'd loved the life they gave me."

"You were brave," Noella said. "You were a victim, but you still fought."

"Sometimes I felt I wasn't fighting, I was just giving in," Alexa whispered.

"I can understand that," Noella said. "You were doing what they wanted, it would be easy to think you weren't fighting, but you were. You gained their trust enough so you could plan how to get out of there."

"I don't like being a victim," Alexa's voice was bitter. "When I got away, I told myself I would never be a victim again. And I found myself being a victim anyway until I met someone who helped me. She got me into underground fighting and I learned to fight. With every fight, I told myself I would never be a victim again."

Noella nodded, then looked into Alexa's eyes. "I'm just going to be blunt here, I think you and Mox as a couple is a big mistake."

Deep down, she knew Noella was right, but she wasn't ready to admit it on the surface. "We both understand," she said. "We don't have to explain our pasts to each other, we get it."

"Yes," Noella said. "That's true. But, he's also a constant reminder of being a victim. It isn't his fault, he didn't kidnap you, but he did participate in what happened. It would seem to me he'd be a constant reminder of what you went through, those days of being a victim."

"But he didn't want to, he told me so." Alexa even realized how feeble her protests sounded.

"You may not blame him, necessarily, although I might argue that you might subconsciously. But, even though he was as much of a victim, that doesn't mean that he didn't do it. He still did it."

"But I do like Mox," Alexa said, grabbing for a tissue. While they had been talking, she had grabbed the nearly empty box on the bedside and started using it. "Sometimes I even think I love him. I mean, I got so jealous when I thought he was also, seeing Raven."

"Feelings aren't singular things," Noella said. "You can feel several different emotions for the same person. You might love Mox in a lot of ways, but I don't think that can outweigh that he was there at the start of the worst time of your life.

"I think Mox wants me to love him," Alexa confessed. "I think he wants us to be like you and Marc or Roman and May. And sometimes I want to be like that, hold hands, kiss, all of that, but I just can't do it."

"And that's exactly why I think this is too big of a problem for you to just 'get over.' Do I think you and Mox should stay friends? Yes. But I think being friends with benefits is a big mistake."

"So you're saying I have to break up with him?"

Noella shook her head. "You're an adult, Alexa, and so is Mox. None of the family, me included, can force you to break up. All I can do is tell you that you need to give it some serious thought. If you care about yourself and Mox, you need to seriously consider what type of relationship will work best for both of you. And I'm sure, when Mox is feeling better, he'll be thinking about the same thing himself."

"Yeah, and I'm sure everyone will convince him I'm evil," Alexa said, trying not to sound bitter.

Noella looked at her steadily. "You almost killed him. How would you expect the folks who love him to react?"

She had nothing to say to that, and she didn't even try.

.

She stayed in the apartment for three days, living on the food she and Mox had in the place, and the dinners that Noella brought over. Noella usually stayed for a bit talking to her, and letting her know how Mox was doing. Every update made Alexa feel a combination of disgust and delight. He'd be okay, but if it wasn't for her, he'd be great.

On the third night, as Noella brought her dinner, Alexa complained she felt like a prisoner. "Nobody is forcing you to stay in this apartment," Noella said. "You might want to stay away from most of the family for a bit, they aren't ready to forgive you, but you can still take walks. And if you need to pick up things for yourself, food supplies so on and so forth, let me know and I'll take you. I'm sure you could even eat in the dining hall if you wanted. Nobody has put the mark of Cain on you."

The next day she went out for a walk, ready to run to the apartment at the slightest sign of trouble. She saw Roman sitting outside one of the rings, watching as May taught a class of female wrestlers. Alexa made sure to avoid looking at him.

She got bolder over the next few days, spending a lot of her time outside or in the gym working out. Nobody at the camp except the family treated her any differently, even students, so she concluded nobody but the family knew what she did. If a member of the family came in while she was working out, she left, but other than that, things seemed almost normal. She started taking her meals in the dining hall. If she crossed paths with a family member, with the exception of Noella, she would ignore them and they would ignore her. _We treat each other like ghosts._

On the fourth day, as she was eating dinner, May came into the dining hall and plopped down across from her. "When you're finished, let's go to the ring."

Alexa stared at her, wondering if this was a cruel joke. If there was one thing she missed, it was wrestling. Not just the actual wrestling, but the sense of being part of a team. _If I agree, will she laugh at me and go, 'you wish'?_ "Aren't you afraid of me? Scared I'll kick the shit out of you or something?"

May shook her head. "Not really. And it's not because I've been trained to defend myself, it's because I'm confident you have no desire to beat me up."

"Are you sure? I'm betting everyone thinks I'm dangerous. Some overly stretched thread waiting to snap."

Again, May shook her head. "I don't think you're any danger to me or anyone else. I don't think you wanted to be a danger to Mox, but something inside of you cracked. I'm not excusing what you did, I don't know if or when I'll forgive you, but it isn't my forgiveness you need to seek."

"I know," Alexa sighed, pushing her tray to the side. "It's Mox's."

"And yourself," May said. "In the meantime, no matter what you've done, you have talent, so, let's go work on your wrestling so you don't fall behind."

"Does Roman know you're doing this?"

"Roman is visiting with Mox right now," May said. "I can do what I want in my spare time.

_In other words, no._ Alexa thought. But she still brought her tray to the dishwasher, and followed eagerly followed May.

.

She and May started training again. Not on the regular schedule they used to, instead it was mostly in the evenings. They used the outdoor ring located the furthest from the house. May acted as if nothing had happened and didn't mention Mox unless Alexa did. And when Alexa did ask, she told her honestly how he was. But when they trained, they trained. Alexa found herself regretting that she had missed out on her first chance to wrestle in front of an audience. _Main event, no less_

Things fell into a strange routine she found some satisfaction in, if not comfort. She was training again, she was able to work out at the gym and she at least had limited company. She still avoided everyone in the family but Noella and May, and avoided the two of them when anyone else was with them.

May told her one evening that Mox had come home that day. Alexa wanted to ask her if she could see him. She wanted to ask for, even beg for his forgiveness. And tell him how sorry she was. But she knew May wasn't going to be allowed to give her permission. She wondered if she'd have to wait until Mox was walking around himself and run into him before she'd get to talk to him.

Then, Sefa came down the next evening while she and May were practicing. Alexa didn't even realize he was there until she and May were taking a quick break. He was standing a ways from the ring in a way that suggested he had been watching them. When he saw they were resting, he came over. "Looking good, ladies."

Alexa hadn't been expecting that and merely nodded.

May, on the other hand, smiled cheerfully. "She's got it," she said, nodding towards Alexa. "We need to get her into the shows."

Alexa almost gasped at May's bold statement that she be allowed to do shows. She expected Sefa to shoot her a few dagger looks but he gave a half nod then said, "May, Roman's up at the house, he was wondering where you were."

If that wasn't bullshit, Alexa didn't know what was. If Roman had really been looking for May he would have found her. It was a lame excuse to get rid of May and Alexa almost wanted to call Sefa out for it. She wasn't sure she wanted to be alone with Sefa, but she kept silent as May draped a towel around her neck. "See you later, Lexa," she said cheerfully as she climbed out of the ring.

Alexa went over to the edge of the ring and sat down, dangling her feet on the apron. "Obviously, you want to talk to me," she said, hoping she didn't sound snippy.

If she did, Sefa gave no indication. "Mox is home," he said, getting right down to business. "He's been worried about you."

"I hope you've told him I'm all right," she said.

"Are you?" Sefa had a gaze that felt as if it were looking inside of you, seeing right into every nook and cranny, discovering all your thoughts, good and bad. It was that gaze he fixed on her now.

"Compared to him, physically at least, I'm doing great," she said, hoping it didn't sound like a snippy retort. "Emotionally? I'll go on, I'm tough. But I don't know if I'll ever get over what I did."

Sefa nodded, his gaze getting a little less intense. "Would you like to see him?"

She nodded.

.

He led her into the house, through the kitchen, where Jen was absent and Alexa was pretty sure that was by design. She heard the TV faintly in the tiny den, and wondered if Jen was hiding out in there.

Mox was in a small room, lying on one of those adjustable beds, his head and back raised in a half sitting position. He had a sheet and thin blanket over his legs and his chest was bare, because there was a drainage tube sticking out of it.. _If I see that guilty expression, that one that says he's blaming himself for this, I might just beat him up again._

"Hey, Lexa," he said softly.

"Hey, Mox." She had to look at him now. His face was still bruised, but some of those bruises had faded down to a sickly yellow/green color. But he was smiling and while he didn't look delighted, he looked at least happy to see her. And most important, he didn't look guilty.

"Have a seat," Sefa said.

She was tempted to sit on Mox's bed, but she thought better of it and sat down in one of the chairs in the room. She expected Sefa to sit down, but he didn't.

"Look," he said, standing near the door. "I've got something to say to both of you, and I'll get straight to the point, I think the two of you make a terrible couple."

She could see Mox's mouth open as if to protest, but Sefa cut him off. "I think separate, you're both good people, but together, you bring out the worst in each other. You're both adults, so I can't stop you from seeing each other, but I think it's a huge mistake and I'm not the only one. You have too much bad between you and you're never going to fix it by having sex. Friends? Yes, I think it's good for you to be friends, but that's all."

Now she wanted to protest, but she didn't try. _I'm going to be kicked out of the camp_ she thought. She found herself hoping they would give her some time to gather her things. She'd lived on the streets before, she could do it again. Maybe she could find a way to get back to Detroit where she knew she could survive in the underground scene? She started biting her lower lip.

"I might not be able to stop you once you're both off this property," Sefa continued, "but I can stop you while you're here. So, Alexa, you'll continue to stay in the apartment, Mox, you'll stay in the house."

_Well, getting to keep the apartment is a good sign, but for how long?_ She wasn't surprised the Reigns were putting brakes on their relationship, not after what she'd done.

"This is what I'd like to propose," Sefa said. "Mox, you get better. It will take awhile, but I called my friends over at WWE and explained you'd been in an accident, so they're holding your space open. It wasn't a big deal with them, either. They like you. So, once you're healed, I think you should get your ass back to FCW, well, actually to NXT. Roman will be just fine then, so you have no excuses."

_Well, that's Mox's future, what's mine?_ she wondered.

She didn't have long to ponder. "Alexa, I am furious at what you did, I might understand a little of why you did it. Still, you _are_ a good wrestler with a lot of promise. And, you're a good weight and cardio trainer. More than a few of the women you trained have made it a point to let me know how much they liked you, how you were firm but fair. So, I propose you stay here. You can go back to weight training and continue to work on your training. May claims you have the moves down, so we'll focus more on getting you in shows and working on your promo skills. I can't pay you a ton of money, but you get to keep the apartment and you can still eat in the mess hall. All we ask in return is that you see someone for those anger issues. I have a feeling it won't be a problem, that this thing with Mox is only with you and Mox, but you never know. It would be wrong of me to just send you out to wrestle without making sure you weren't going to go ballistic on another wrestler."

Alex didn't know what to think. Part of her was upset that her relationship with Mox was being dictated by his family, but another part of her was grateful. Nobody was kicking her onto the streets, in fact, they were willing to let her stay, to work, and it sounded like Sefa was willing to help her wrestling career. She wasn't excited about the "someone" she'd have to go to for her anger issues, but the request didn't seem unreasonable. She could have ended up in jail.

"You both probably want to talk about this, so, I'm going to go downstairs, have some iced tea and spend time with my wife." He looked at Alexa, "It's important he sleeps, so if you haven't resolved this in an hour or so, I'll be up with his meds. I really hope you two have made a decision by then."

He turned and walked out of the room, leaving Mox and Alexa alone together.


	24. Chapter 24

_The end of a relationship is not always a failure. Sometimes all the love in the world is not enough to save something. In these cases, it is not a matter of fault from either person. Some things cannot be, it's as simple as that._

— Ashly Lorenzana

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**Chapter Twenty-Four**

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{o}-{o}-{o}

.

Mox said nothing until he heard the sounds of Sefa heading downstairs. When he was satisfied no one could hear them, he looked at Alexa. "How are you doing?"

"A lot better than you." She sounded half bitter half contrite. "Mox, I don't know what happened and I feel just awful."

"You know what happened," he said, wishing she was closer, just so he could put his hand over hers and comfort her. "Suzie decided she'd had enough of Timmy and his advice and kicked the shit out of him. Thinking about it now, I'm shocked it didn't happen sooner."

"Why didn't you fight back?" She moved the chair closer to Mox, but he was sure it was to give them extra privacy. "Don't tell me it was some code of chivalry, this wasn't some bullshit thing where I slapped you with my white glove and it would be crass for you to reciprocate because I'm a lady, this was me trying to-" she hesitated as if she was afraid to say the rest, then blurted it out, "kill you."

"I know," he said. "But I don't believe Alexa wanted to kill Mox, I think Suzie wanted to kill Timmy." He shrugged. "I just had to take the damage."

"Stop being nice!" Mox could hear the pain and frustration in her voice. "I _knew_ you'd be nice about it. I just knew it. Don't be, I don't deserve it. I almost killed you, you should be pissed off. You should want to kill me. You should want me to fall off the earth, or at least want to tell me off! Why are you _nice?_ I don't deserve nice. You should have been fighting me off! If not the first night, but after that. But you kept letting me abuse you and then fuck you!"

"Yeah, but you've got to admit, it was pretty good sex," Mox said, unable to resist a grin. He couldn't see it, but he knew it was a Mox grin. _I've gotten stronger_ he thought. _Physically, I'm still weak, but mentally, I'm not just becoming Timmy around her._

"Stop it, or I'm going to want to hit you again!" Alexa was angry, amused and sad, all three emotions flickering across her face. Mox wasn't sure he'd ever seen anyone feel those three things at once.

"Sorry," Mox said, even though he really wasn't. "Look, I had some serious thinking time at the hospital once they stopped giving me the really strong painkillers. Even though my family hovered around me, I still had time to think. And, I think I realize what happened." He paused to see if she'd ask, which she didn't, but she did nod, giving him permission to continue. "Alexa is a fighter. So is Suzie. Mox is a fighter. But Timmy isn't, at least not when it comes to Suzie. And he can't see you as anyone but Suzie."

"There you go, blaming yourself again-"

"Yeah, but it's the truth," Mox said. "Suzie has every right to be furious at Timmy. Timmy might have done what he could to make it… better, but he also forced Suzie into a horrible situation. You gave Timmy permission, but he still _raped_ you. You were only given a choice between two horrible situations. And I didn't even save you from either of them. They still came down and took you that second night. They took you upstairs and I wasn't there, but I know what happened, they gang raped you. Then they brought you back to Timmy and Timmy tried to make it up to you by being as gentle as he could. But no matter how you twist it, how much we both tried to twist it, it was rape. And what sucks is we were both powerless. There was no hero to burst through the walls and save us. It happened and there is no taking it back."

She opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again, needing a moment to think. Her shoulders sank and she sighed. "I don't know if you're right or not, but it feels like the truth. Do you agree with your father and the rest of the family, we can't be a couple?"

Mox looked at the ceiling, needed to draw his strength for this one. "I wish I could say we can overcome this, but we can't," he said. "I can't get over the guilt, you can't get over the anger. I love you. I don't think I can ever stop loving you, but I think we both have to face it, the romance is never going to work between the two of us. When we're apart, we can control Suzie and Timmy, but when we get together…" Mox paused, swallowing several times. He had told himself over and over again, he wasn't going to get emotional about this. His mind knew this was the best thing to do.

But his heart was another matter, and no matter how he tried to fight it off, it kept creeping up and trying to get involved in this matter. "…we can't. I can't stop acting like everything you do to me, especially when you hurt me, is something I deserve." He paused to wipe his eyes. Her own eyes were shining with tears as well, and he avoided looking at her, knowing they would both start crying. "I didn't fight back when you lost it on me, because I think the part of me that's Timmy was glad it was happening, glad you were finally punishing me the way I really deserved for the part I played."

"I don't want to hurt you," Alexa said, and he heard the tears in her voice.

"I know," Mox said. "But Suzie does and I don't blame her."

"I-I don't want to lose you," Alexa said. "I get what you're saying, I understand that we might fail as a couple, but that doesn't mean I want to have to avoid you!"

"It won't." Mox said and that he was sure of. "It might take a bit, but we'll move away from this. We'll stop giving Suzie and Timmy a chance to run the show. With any hope, we'll eventually find people we can have a physical relationship with as Mox and Alexa. Someone we never want to hurt or to be hurt by."

"Like Raven?"

Now Mox smiled. "You're never going to get over her, are you? Raven and I are never going to be a couple. We're buddies. After Roman, and Seth, she's my best friend. She sorta represents to me the childhood I wish I could have had. Every time we talk about wrestling I think about how great it would have been if she'd been my little sister, how much fun we would have had together. It's innocent. Do I think she's attractive? Yes, I do, but when it comes to romance, she's my sister. Remember when she and McIntyre were making googly eyes at each other?"

Alex shook her head. _Well, maybe she didn't see that,_ he allowed himself. _Raven wasn't here that long._ "Well, trust me, I sure saw it. I didn't say anything, but I was pissed off at Drew. And it wasn't because I wanted Raven for me, it was because I wanted to pull him aside and tell him if he ever did anything to hurt her, I would make his life a living hell.. But I couldn't do it, because all they did was make cow eyes at each other. They never even went out for pizza. But, I just know that they are going to bump into each other in the future and I won't be there, and they'll probably make more than googly eyes at each other and I won't be there to tell him he'd better not hurt her."

He dared to look at her again, and she was smiling, but her expression grew serious. "What do we do now?" she asked. "You're not going to be healed overnight. We'll have to see each other at the camp."

"We deal," he said. "We'll likely try to avoid each other because it will be so damned awkward. We'll learn to wave in passing, and eventually, when things settle down, we learn to be decent around each other. We'll be almost like every other couple who broke up in an amicable way."

"Do you think this is amicable?"

"I do," Mox said. "I hope you do, too. Maybe not today, but I hope you realize that this is for the best, even if we don't want it to be. And I want you to do what my father wants, I want you to stay here. To keep the apartment, keep working, keep training. Because you are that good. I want to see you in WWE someday. I want to be part of the main roster and watch you walk in one day and tell me you've signed a contract. I want to watch you wrestle from backstage. I want to see you draped in gold, and it's more than just a pipe dream, you have the chops to make it happen."

"Okay," she said, and stood up. "Uh, I have to get going."

She didn't say why, but he was pretty sure she wanted to be alone, to cry over this loss. He couldn't fault her, he'd done the same thing. Maybe he hadn't sobbed, but he'd had plenty of tears roll down his cheeks. "Before you go," he said, "can I ask you for one thing?"

"What?"

"Could you kiss me?" He felt silly asking and knew his cheeks were turning red, but he didn't care. "Not as Suzie kissed Timmy that first night we spent in the house, where you almost cut my lips. I want you to kiss me like we're Alexa and Mox. And we just got home from a date and both of us know we'll never work as a couple, but we like each other enough to end the date with a kiss."

She thought he was going to refuse, but she came over and sat down on the bed. Mindful of his injuries, the two of them gently wrapped their arms around each other and kissed. It was bittersweet and wonderful. _Now I know what it's like to kiss her_ he thought. _Not Suzie, but Alexa._

When they drew apart, neither said anything, she simply left the room.

.

Shortly after she left, Roman came into the room. "Move over," he ordered Mox, motioning to the bed, where Mox was sitting right in the middle, staring off into space. When he did as Roman asked, Roman stretched out, having already kicked off his slippers. The head was raised so Mox could watch TV. Roman grabbed an extra pillow, put it behind his head, then grabbed the remote from the bedside table. He flicked through the channels until he found an old, black and white movie playing on one of the classic movie channels.

Mox was pretty sure the movie wasn't picked based on preference, it was chosen because it was just starting. "Why aren't you spending time with May?" he asked, although he suspected the answer.

"We're not glued at the hip," Roman responded. "She had things to do. So, I thought I'd hang out with you. Mom's watching the Hallmark channel downstairs and I hate that crap and you've got the only other TV."

_You're full of it,_ Mox thought. _May is making sure Alexa is all right. You are making sure I'm all right. And I love you both for it._ "What are we watching?"

"I dunno. I was getting comfortable while the name was being shown. But it's got Clark Gable in it, and Mom says every movie with Clark Gable in it is good."

"I think Mom is a little biased because Gable was a pretty good looking guy."

"Yeah, but he's not a bad actor."

They fell into silence as they watched. The movie wasn't bad at all, although Mox would never think it made the top ten of best movies of all time. Clark Gable was playing some reporter guy, and the costar was Claudette Colbert, some spoiled millionaire's daughter, back when having a million dollars meant you were richer than rich. It had some over the top funny bits and it was just enough entertainment so it kept his mind from wandering over what had just happened.

It wasn't until the halfway point, when the station decided to load up on commercials, that Roman spoke. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know you loved her."

"I did," Mox said. "I still do. I know she and I are bad for each other, it makes sense, but it still hurts."

"Yeah."

Mox half expected him to elaborate with some philosophical bullshit about how it was better to have loved and lost, or that sometimes, doing the right thing wasn't always what you wanted to do, but you did it anyway. Or, maybe even some platitude about how it was good for both of them, so he shouldn't feel sorry for Alexa. She'd be fine. But, Roman said nothing. A commercial for coffee came on, that hinted that just a sniff would make a grumpy person instantly awake and refreshed. A group of clean cut men singing a Capella in the background gleefully informing the audience that the best part about waking up in the morning was having this particular coffee in your cup. There was a time when Mox would have agreed, but his coffee tastes had improved since then, and no, that particular brand was not the best part of waking up. He opened his mouth to tell Roman the commercial was bullshit, but what came out had nothing to do with coffee. "I guess it's back to a life of celibacy again. Too bad, because I was really starting to enjoy that sex stuff."

He kept his eyes on the TV screen, but he could hear Roman turning his head to look at him, feel his gaze upon him. "Maybe for awhile, but you'll find someone."

"That's what I told Alexa but I don't know if that's true or not." He turned his head now to face his brother. "At least with Alexa, we both knew, you know? We didn't have to explain how we knew certain things, we knew how. Yeah, the beating up as foreplay was pretty lousy, but the actual sex was intense. She taught me that I could function as a man in the bedroom. It's more important than you'd think."

"No, it's more important than you used to think," Roman said. "I already knew how important it is to be able to 'function as a man in the bedroom' as you put it. So does Marc, Dad, and even Lance. No one wants to be known among the women as Limpy the Noodle." They both chuckled, then Roman got serious. "You'll meet someone," he said. "It might take awhile, and I don't think you'll ever be the type that goes for casual hookups. But someday you will meet the right person. You'll date, you'll fall in love, have sex, maybe get married and have kids. You'll love her and trust her enough to be honest about your past, if she doesn't know from all the media bullshit. Either way, she'll trust you and you'll trust her."

"I wish I could be as confident as you are," Mox said wistfully.

"You will be," Roman assured him. "You're nursing a broken heart right now. Give yourself time to get over it."

"How long will that be?"

"As long as it takes."

It wasn't a definitive answer by any means, but Mox still found some comfort in it. There was no timeline he had to stick to, he had whatever time he needed and nobody could push him into it. _As long as it takes_ he thought, hoping that wouldn't be forever.


	25. Chapter 25

_Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over_

—-Nicole Sobon

**Epilogue**

.

{o}-{o}-{o}

.

"Mox-my-man!" Sami said, as they high-fived each other in the locker room. "It's good to see you back! How's your brother doing?"

Mox continued putting gear into his new locker. He liked the new training center. Everything was bigger and cleaner, including the lockers. He could put his duffel bag easily into these. And, they had real padlocks too, not combination locks that could be figured out in an instant. "Roman is doing great," he said. "He's even got enough hair to make it look like a hair style of choice, not some in between garbage."

"And it's as soft as a kitten's belly," Seth added from the locker next to his.

"Dude, I'm not sure I want to know how you know how soft Roman's hair is," Sami laughed.

"It's not as weird as you might think." Mox came to Seth's defense. "May is amazed by it and tells everyone, 'go ahead, touch it!' Roman's cool about it. He says he remembers Lance's hair being soft like that when his grew in after chemo. But, when Seth came to pick me up, May told Seth to touch it."

"And like most tiny women, she's got that way of making you feel that requests are really orders," Seth said.

"Yeah," Mox agreed. "But yeah, Roman is in complete remission. He's putting his business degree to work by doing all the administration stuff for SPWA. Which is great for Mom and Dad because it means less work for them. Especially Mom."

"Even better, when he's fully recovered? He's going to go into wrestling," Seth said eagerly. "I mean, I'm sorry his football career is over, but if he can't follow that dream, he should be a wrestler."

"You just want to reform the Citadel," Sami said with a laugh, then clapped Mox on the shoulder. "Again, glad you're back. I'm glad Roman's doing good, too. I've got a meeting with The Powers That Be. I'll catch you later."

"Yeah," Mox said. "I've got drills."

"Let's hope they don't start you at the bottom," Sami said, heading for the door. "I saw your SPWA shows on YouTube, you don't have ring rust on you."

He didn't talk about the time when Mox wasn't on because he was recovering, which Mox was relieved about.

.

It was strange being back, because everything had changed while still remaining the same. It wasn't FCW anymore, it was NXT. They had a brand new training center that smelled like citrus cleaning products and not citrus cleaning products covering the smell of sweat and mold. It wasn't just the building that was new, everything inside of it had been replaced, except for some of the work out equipment and wrestling rings, but those even had been cleaned, polished, and refurbished as needed.

They were going to have weekly shows in front of a live audience at Full Sail University. In an arena that had been built just for them. Triple H was already in negotiations to get their shows put on TV. Maybe not live, but an hour show that would be made from the best of the three hour weekly performances. There were even whispers and rumors about how Vince McMahone wanted to start a private network just for the WWE and the NXT shows might be able to be seen on that. Seth though, had told him that according to Hunter, that was going to take "quite a bit" of time and effort before it would happen, but still, it was something that might happen and that was exciting too.

But, a lot of the faces were the same. Yes, some had moved up in the time he'd been gone. Some had decided this wasn't the life for them, or were told this life wasn't for them. Hunter was still the boss, but it seemed like he had less to answer for with Vince. Dan was still around, but he had two other folks working with him, which meant he was the _head_ writer.

There were new faces too, Mox had seen them passing him in the halls as Seth had shown him around. He hadn't introduced him to anyone, but there had been a few waves and Seth would tell him their name and how long they'd been there. Mox thought he'd meet these folks soon enough.

It was good to be back. He missed home. But he didn't miss all the days of misery while they waited to see if Roman was going to beat this. He didn't miss the feeling that his wrestling career was going to go stagnant. He loved the feeling that his life was back on track.

He did miss Alexa. Even though their last intimate moment had been that kiss on his bed, after a few weeks of awkwardness, they had settled into being friends, maybe even good friends. She'd hugged him when Seth had come to get him, telling him that he'd better work hard to move up, or else he'd risk running into her before he did. He teased her that he'd warn all the Diva's to expect her. Lance had been there, home on a vacation break and commented that Mox would bellow, then explained that it was a Star Trek reference, that Klingons would scream when one of them died to warn the dead a Klingon Warrior was coming. Okay, the joke fell a little flat, but Mox got the sentiment.

Even better, his family, including his mother, had started to accept her. His mother had been the hardest to bring around, but after a lot of discussions, Mox managed to get her to understand that Alexa was as much of a victim as he was. "The only difference is how we handle it." Jen still wasn't treating her with the same warmth and love that she gave to May or Raven, but she'd thawed a lot, especially as Mox got better.

Alexa had taken Sefa's requirement that she see someone about her anger issues and unlike Mox had been at first, she took it seriously. For awhile, every time Mox saw her right after a session, it looked as if she'd been crying and while he didn't like seeing her in pain, he knew sometimes you had to go through the darkness before you saw the light. One night when she was at dinner, which sometimes she still took with the family, she mentioned that her therapist had proposed the idea that she should reach out to her parents, let them know she was alive and try to start a relationship and Alexa was considering it carefully. Mox had the feeling this was going to happen sooner than Alexa herself might realize.

One of the last conversations he'd heard between Alexa and Jen, was Jen telling Alexa that should she reach out to her folks, that she was welcome to invite them to the camp, if that would make her more comfortable, rather than trying to go to Ohio, where it might be overwhelming. Mox had smiled, thinking Jen was remembering how it had been for him to go and meet his mom and her family. _She's trying to think of ways to make it easier on Alexa. She's accepting her._ He wondered if some day, she might become a surrogate daughter, much as May and Raven were. That might take a little, maybe even a lot longer, but he could almost see that day.

_God is in his heaven and everything is all right with the world_ he thought, as he changed into his work out gear. He smiled to himself, thinking how pleased Roman would be that he'd had the thought. Almost as pleased as Lance would be irritated.

The only thing he still wasn't sure about was his romantic future. Twice, May had set him up on dates. Okay, they weren't really dates, it was more of a situation that some friend of May's, be it from wrestling or gymnastics, would be in Florida and since that friend, herself, and Roman were going to dinner, Mox might as well tag along. They had been fun nights, in both cases the girls had been attractive, intelligent and in the case of one woman, very funny. But he hadn't felt any type of spark. The funny one had even grown serious enough to suggest maybe they could 'get together' while she was in Florida, making it clear it would be nothing more than an extended one night stand. He wasn't interested. He saw a variety of very attractive women at the camp, and he could acknowledge they indeed were beautiful, but that was as far as it went, he never had the desire to ask them out, he was willing to appreciate them as he might appreciate a beautiful painting at a museum. Something to admire, but not to make a part of his everyday life.

That was okay too, though. Roman said things took time and maybe it was time, or maybe that part of him wasn't going to get fixed. Sure, he'd love to experience romance and sex, but he also knew he was never going to be the type to go for casual sex, but there wasn't anything wrong with it. He wasn't worried, either it would happen or it wouldn't. _I've got time,_ he told himself, heading toward the door. _Nothing has to be rushed._

He opened the door to the locker room but as he stepped out, something, no, some_one _crashed into him, knocking him to the floor. "Hey!" he shouted, more in surprise than anger. He looked up to see a thin blonde woman wearing a pair of black jeans and a pretty blouse.

Something lurched inside of him. He couldn't explain it, but even though she was flustered, he thought her eyes were beautiful. He almost wanted to stand up and kiss her on the tip of that adorable little nose of hers.

"I'm so sorry!" she said, reaching out her hand to help him up. He accepted it and realized as she helped him that under her skinny frame, she was no weakling. "I'm just running late this morning. I have a meeting with Mr. Helmsley. But that doesn't excuse not being careful. Again, I'm _so_ sorry."

"It's okay." He smiled. Her rushed explanations even seemed cute, but those _eyes_… those eyes of her, they didn't appeal to the cute side of him at all. Her eyes might sparkle, but he could see a lot more than innocent mischief in them. Before he could think about it, before he could even stop himself, he blurted out, "If you really want to make it up to me, you could take me for coffee."

She stopped then, and looked him over. _I am the biggest fucking idiot in the world_ he thought, expecting her to squirm and try to figure out how to get out of this. But to his shock and delight she smiled. "That sounds fair," she said, and her eyes told him she thought it was a little more than "fair," that it was actually a pretty great idea. "How about after work, tonight, uh, oh crap, I don't know your name."

"Mox," he said, then remembered that wasn't his name here. "Well, Mox is my real life nickname. Around here, I'm Dean Ambrose. And tonight sounds great." He realized that he'd have to depend on her for a ride home or ask Seth along, since Seth had the only car, but he didn't care. He'd happily walk home if he had to, just to spend some time with this woman who made him feel so wonderfully strange.

"Nice to meet you, Dean, or Mox, whichever you'd prefer." Smiling, held out her hand to shake. "I'm Renee Young."

* * *

Thank you, anyone who read this far.

And Lynn? One last question... what do you think this society should do about their immune compromised? I mean, should we wait until hospitals and everyone who is at risk has enough of the N-95 masks and gloves so we might be safe while you go out for your pizza and hang at your bar?

Or is it just all about killing off the weak?


End file.
